I look across the street where my sisters stand. They're standing still, watching us. I shouldn't have been sitting here for this long, but my mind was wandering to the past couple of weeks that I lost track of the time.
"Hey." I don't know what else to say. I've had dreams about talking to them again, but I've been too scared, worried about what our parents would do.
"Where have you been?" I can see and hear each of the emotions he's going through. Confusion, hurt, anger. "Mom and Dad said you left and weren't coming back, ever."
"I know," I say. I take a deep breath, steadying my breathing. I remind myself what Garrett told me that night when I opened up to him about everything. "I…" I have no idea what to say.
"Why are you here?" His voice is definitely turning more toward anger. I don't want him to be mad at me, but I know that I don't have near enough time to explain myself.
"I didn't want to leave," I say. I can feel tears welling in my eyes and I blink them back, going for the quickest answer. One that I hope will take some of that heat in his eyes away. "I didn't have a choice, but I never left. I stayed around here and I watched you, made sure you were okay."
"Well, we aren't. I'm not." His words are short. I can feel my heart racing. "You left and everything fell on me."
All the times I daydreamed about reuniting with the three of them, I pictured tears. Happy ones, ones that showed they missed me as much as I missed them. These tears, in both our eyes, are of unhealed hurt. "I'm sorry. I… They didn't give me a choice. You were too young, all of you were, but I tried to stay."
"That's not what we were told. Why'd you leave?"
Is Jayden old enough to know what happened? My biggest fear is that he's going through the same thing. He's bigger than I was at his age, maybe Dad doesn't take his anger out on him. "I don't know what you were told, but I didn't have a choice in leaving. Mom and Dad kicked me out."
"Why?" Jayden sounds like he doesn't believe me. Why would he? I haven't spoken to them in years. Our parents had plenty of time to tell them whatever they wanted.
I look down at the sidewalk between us. "I snuck out to meet a friend one night. We were just hanging out in the yard, we didn't go far. But Dad came back and he was drunk. I guess Quinn woke up and was looking for me; I didn't hear her outside." Reliving this moment, the one minute that changed my entire life, is hard. It's harder seeing the look in Jayden's eyes. I can't tell if he believes me or not and that hurts the most. "I came inside when I heard Dad screaming and saw him raise a hand up like he was going to hit her. I just reacted. I shoved him and he fell. He hit his face on a door knob or something. Mom woke up and told me to leave and never come back."
There's silence between us for a long moment. Jayden finally looks at me and I can see something akin to belief in his eyes. "I remember he had a bruise, but he said he got it at work. They told us you wanted to leave, that you were tired of us."
I go to say something, I'm honestly not sure what, but my sisters yell across the street that the bus is coming.
"Bye, O." I stand there and watch Jayden cross back over. All three of them are looking at me. I can see the recognition on Katy's face, but Quinn doesn't seem to recognize me. That hurts the worst. She was only five when I left. Now she's eleven and looks beautiful. If a bit confused. I raise a hand to my face, wiping away the tears. I wait until they're on the city bus before I walk back to my apartment. That did not go how I imagined.
I don't know if they're going to tell our parents that they saw me or if they'll be okay with me continuing to check on them. Would they think it was weird? Or do they even care? I didn't know how it would go when I left, but I hate that Jayden had to take care of everything when I was gone. I hoped that he got at least a little bit of a childhood. Did he get to go out? Or was he getting yelled at for forgetting to write down when the parent-teacher night was? Did he have to hide bruises when someone from the school called to discuss what one of them said during class? I tried to teach them that talking about what we do at home can get us in trouble, but they were young and didn't understand. It was on me to protect them and I did my best. I took as much as I could.
I have to get ready to leave for work in an hour. I go through the motions, taking a shower and making a fried egg and slice of toast. I miss the breakfast at Garrett's. At my Daddy's. Thinking of him, I grab my phone from the bedroom and see I have a good morning text from him. I don't want to bother him with this, so I just send a good morning back. He responds almost immediately that he hopes I have a good day.
My finger hovers over his name to call him and tell him what happened, but I click out of the phone app and set the phone down on the counter. My brain is whirring with all the things. Between my hours being cut, having to refigure what small budget I already had, and now seeing that look on my brother's face whenever I blink, I want to just curl back up in bed and let the day pass. I can't afford that, though.
I finish my breakfast and get dressed, adding the hoodie back on because the temperatures have dropped again. I can't wait for Spring to arrive. The walk to work is uneventful, but it's in full swing when I clock in and I'm immediately jumping to help Tyler with the drinks. Austin and Daniella are on the food side. He gives me a roll of his eyes, silently telling me what he thinks of the new schedule already. I push all thoughts of this morning out of my mind and focus on helping catch up with the orders that are waiting. A few of the regulars ask where I was and I explain quickly that our hours were shifted around.
A few complain of the wait times and I apologize as much as I can, topping some of them off with extra coffee or a pump of whatever flavoring. Tyler tries to keep up and I appreciate it, but he's not over on this side often. I hear more than once 'Orion knows how I take it' and I have to stop and explain how to ring the items up in the system. It's about twenty straight minutes of people ordering drinks before there's even a break in the line. Tyler looks pale, with bags under his eyes. He leans against the counter with his head on his arms.
"Are you okay?" I ask. I lay a hand gently on his shoulder. He doesn't lift his head, but I hear him talk.
"I'm fine. Just need a breather."
I take advantage of the lull and clean up the espresso station. I wipe down the counters and make sure the coffee carafes aren't empty. I don't ask Tyler to help with anything because I can see he's not feeling well. I have another customer come up and order. I direct Tyler to refill the stirrers and sugars while I help the guy. It's one of the nurses I see in here on Thursdays, but he's started to come in most mornings now.
"Is he okay?" the guy asks. His badge says his name is Brandt. He looks genuinely concerned. I glance over at Tyler and back.
"He's okay," I say. "Just been a busy morning, I guess." I don't know what's going on personally, but I'm not about to air out that someone is sick to a stranger. Even if that stranger happens to be a nurse of some sort.
I can see Brandt look at him twice more while I'm ringing him up and taking his money. Tyler finishes restocking and turns to lean against the counter. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see he stands a little straighter when he sees the customer. "Hey, Brandt."
"Hey, Tyler. Feeling okay?"
Okay, so they must know each other. I'm not sure if it's just from here or outside of work, but it's not my business. It doesn't stop me from listening to their conversation while I'm making an Americano.
"Didn't sleep much last night," he says. "I'll be okay though. I go on break in just a few minutes and I'll get something to eat."
The look that Brandt gives Tyler is one I've seen many times on Garrett. He's giving off major Daddy vibes right now. Or maybe that's just me wishing my Daddy was here. The two shots finish brewing and I add them to an empty cup, pressing the button to fill it the rest of the way with hot water.
