"It's just after four," I say. "We have plenty of time before bed tonight."
He swallows his bite before answering. It's nothing fancy, just turkey and cheese. I added mayo and tomato to mine but wasn't sure how Austin preferred his.
"Can I ask you something?" Austin asks, his voice low. He's avoiding my eyes too, looking down at his sandwich.
"You can ask me anything if you look at me first," I say. I know he avoids eye contact when he's nervous about asking or saying something. I want him to come out of that habit, to gain some confidence. He's so much stronger than he realizes.
He squares his shoulders and looks at me. It's another beat of silence, though. I can see his jaw working, like he's practicing the words in his head first. I have no clue what he's about to ask, but when he does I'm not taken aback. I'm happy. More than.
"Can I move in with you?"
"If that's what you want," I say with a smile. "I'd lovefor you to."
"I do," Austin says. "I was just thinking about it and my lease runs out in January. Our talk earlier, about making every day worth it had me thinking. Before I fell asleep, that is. I love you and want to spend every day with you that I can. I don't want to wait until society thinks it's appropriate or… For something to happen."
I know that he's worried. His family got into his head and with his past, he's scared of the what ifs. I can assure him over and over again, but even I can't predict the future. I'm forty-one-years-old, time isn't slowing down for myself either. I love Austin, my family loves him. I don't want to wait either.
"We'll get it all sorted when we come back from the camp, okay?" I take this as my cue to be brave and ask what I've been thinking about for weeks now. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah." He takes another bite of his sandwich and I wait for him to swallow before I speak. I take his hand and give a soft smile.
"This is something serious," I say. "It involves your regression and possibly a negotiation."
His expression changes and he tilts his head slightly. "Do you not…"
"Baby, let me talk before you start jumping to conclusions, okay?" I lead him to the living room and we settle on the couch. I keep his hand in mine. "I wanted to talk to you about something that I've noticed, something that I've been thinking about for a while. Last week, when you came home and went for a nap? I came into the playroom to wake you up and you were sucking your thumb. Then, on Saturday, you did the same thing. I know that your regression is usually in the playful stage, but have you ever regressed younger? Or, is that something you would be willing to try?"
"You would want that?" Austin's question surprises me. I'm expecting some hesitance, or maybe even embarrassment about me seeing him sucking his thumb. Instead, his shoulders relax and he's smiling. Just the corner of his lips are turned up, but still.
"I want you any way that you're comfortable," I say honestly. "The thought of giving you a bottle or pacifier, or you even using me as a pacifier, has been running through my mind since then. We can talk about what that means for us, together, and if you're comfortable with that."
"I tend to regress like that when I'm really stressed out or scared." Austin moves to sit on my lap. His fingers immediately start carding through my beard. "I don't mind it every now and then, but I do prefer the playful side. I love when we play together and make up stories. In the past, I sometimes would go nonverbal or very close to it. I didn't know if that is something you would be comfortable with. You're such the perfect Daddy playing with me and making me food and snacks."
"Well, if you ever want or need that, just know that I'm open to it okay?" Austin nods and I lean forward to kiss him.
"Would you want to try a scene tonight?" Austin surprises me once again. "I mean, I don't wan to spring that on you but we can if you want."
"What do you have in mind?" I ask. Austin sits up in my lap and smiles at me. I have no idea why I was worried about bringing this up to him. I can see that he's happy we're talking about this. The lack of hesitation and him suggesting a scene so soon gives me the answers I need. He needs this as much as I want it. Austin shrugs though at my question, but it's out of indecision, not worry. I decide to make a suggestion. "Howabout tonight, since you took this unplanned nap and I'm sure you might have a little trouble sleeping—"
"You said I would be fine, Daddy." His voice is taking on that playful nature.
"Well, I'm just thinking if you have some trouble sleeping, I could maybe fix you a bottle for bedtime and hold you until you fall asleep."
"I'd love that, Daddy." He kisses my cheek. "And if you feed me ice cream after dinner, I will definitely have trouble falling asleep."
"You and your ice cream," I say with a chuckle. Aussie giggles and kisses me once more. "We'll see if you eat all of your dinner first before we talk ice cream. If you change your mind at any point, Austin, just let me know."
"I will, Daddy. I love you."
"I love you too, baby. Now, how about we go play for a bit and I'll order us some food to the house tonight? Daddy doesn't feel like doing dishes the night before a vacation."
"Chinese!" Aussie shouts and bounces off my lap. Well, that answers that. He grabs my hand and we head back upstairs to the playroom.
Chapter Twenty
Afterdinnerandanothermovie, where Austin actually stays awake, we share a shower together. I don't let Austin come, knowing that he would be fast asleep soon after that. Aussie slips right back into his Little space when we get out of the shower, deciding against clothes until bedtime. This is something new and something I definitely don't mind if he continues. Seeing him walking so confidently around the house butt naked is equal parts adorable and hot.
We do get a bowl of ice cream each and eat it in the kitchen. I take the time to show Austin pictures of the place we're going to. He immediately falls in love with the different playgrounds and the pictures of the cabin that we're going to share. He asks all kinds of questions about what it would mean if I secured the client, things that I'm surprised he is taking an interest in. I know he took a Business class in school, but it makes me happy that my partner is as invested in my work as I am.
