‘I can’t… do this. I can’t be like this with you any more.’
Luca frowned, trying to digest this. ‘Oh.’
‘I thought we’d… I mean, I’m with Mark now. It would be cheating.’
‘Right.’ He sat up and edged away from her a little. ‘But you said you didn’t sleep with him.’
‘No, I didn’t – because I wasn’t ready. I would have been doing it to please him, or because I felt too awkward turning him down. But I will, when the time is right – on my terms, like you taught me.’
‘Oh, right. Sorry, I thought…’ He shook his head. Shit! He’d finally woken up and realised how he felt about her, and it was too late. He wanted to howl at the unfairness of it.
‘No,I’m sorry. I should have been clearer…’
‘No harm done,’ he said briskly. ‘Probably just as well anyway.’ He poured the last of the champagne into both their glasses. ‘I really should get back to work.’
‘Oh. I thought maybe we could have something to eat…’
She looked so disappointed, he felt like a shit, but he just wanted to get her out as quickly as possible and be on his own to try to absorb what had just happened. His head was reeling and he needed to be alone. Besides, he couldn’t guarantee that he wouldn’t burst into tears any second now. ‘Sorry. Some other time, yeah?’
‘Um… yeah, sure.’ She gave him a smile and drained her glass. ‘Well, I suppose I should go, then.’ She stood.
‘Thanks again for the presents,’ Luca said, as he saw her to the door.
‘It’s nothing. Well, bye.’ She was about to go, when she turned back in the doorway. ‘Luca, we’re still friends, right?’ she asked, grabbing his hand.
‘Yeah, of course!’ He looked down at her hand in his, his thumb stroking over her fingers. ‘I just – I don’t know how good I’m going to be at this friends thing, okay?’
‘But you’ll try? I really don’t want to lose you.’
He sighed heavily. ‘Yeah, sure. I’ll try.’
30
The next day Luca tried to throw himself into his work, but he spent most of the time standing pointlessly in front of the canvas, utterly uninspired and unable to focus. He tossed down his brush in frustration. This had felt so futile lately, like he was bashing his head on a brick wall. He knew he was good, it wasn’t that. He had no insecurities about his art, no real doubts about his ability. But he also knew that talent wasn’t a guarantee of success or even recognition – either critically or commercially. Sometimes it seemed completely arbitrary, and it was incredibly frustrating to see all the money and acclaim lavished on artists who weren’t half as good as he was.
Maybe he should pack it in and get a real job. He’d never cared about materialistic stuff before. He had been content making art that satisfied his own creative objectives, and was prepared to live with the consequences. But the trouble with wanting Claire was that it made him want all this other stuff too. He had never been bothered about being the kind of guy who could show a girl a good time or provide her with creature comforts. Claire made him wantto be that guy. He wanted to be someone she could depend on – someone who could make her life easier, instead of being another drain on her energy and resources. He wanted to be able to do nice things for her – take her to New York and buy her presents. In short, he wanted to be bloody Mark.
In the days afterwards, Claire felt adrift. Despite his assurances that they would still be friends, she felt that Luca was distancing himself from her. By the following Monday she hadn’t heard from him for a week. She told herself that he was probably just concentrating on his work, but she couldn’t help wondering what else he might be doing. When Yvonne talked about a party she’d gone to at the weekend, Claire asked casually who’d been there in the hope that she would mention Luca, but she didn’t.
‘But what’s happened to you?’ Yvonne asked sharply, peering into her face. ‘You’ve lost that glow. You look all lackluster and— Oh my God! You’re not doing it any more.’
‘No,’ Claire admitted, with a wan smile. ‘I’m not.’
‘But what about the guy in London?’
‘Well, first we were doing the five-date rule, and then?—’
‘I should never have told you about that stupid rule,’ Yvonne interrupted. ‘It’s not for everyone, you know. And it obviously doesn’t agree with you. Anyway, it doesn’t work for long-distance relationships – you don’t see each other often enough. You could be a hundred before you’d get a shag.’
‘Well, now he’s in London and I’m here, and he’s going to New York next week…’
‘Well, hop on the minute he gets back. And in the meantime you’ve always got Luca.’
Claire shook her head. ‘Luca and I aren’t a… thing now.’
‘Oh,’ Yvonne said, apparently unsurprised. ‘I guess having a regular fuck buddy would be too much of a commitment for him.’
Claire wanted to spring to Luca’s defense, but she had a feeling Yvonne might be right.
