Another man came to stand behind him and patted him lightly on the shoulder. “It’s time.”
Kevin shook his head. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye. “No, please…not yet. Just a few more minutes.”
The few minutes they chose to give him felt like mere seconds. One paramedic slowly started pushing the gurney while the other placed his hand firmly on Kevin’s chest to stop him from going after it.
“Please,” Kevin pleaded. “Don’t take him away.”
They ignored him and carried on pushing. His fingers tightened around Perry’s chain. “No. Wait.” He tried to lunge forward but the other man kept him restrained. “Just wait!” And as the gurney moved further away, the chain snapped off Perry’s neck, the last reminder of his best friend dangling from his weak hand. “Stop! Please! Just wait!” They wouldn’t listen. “Perry!” he shouted, like if he yelled it loud enough, he would wake up. He was becoming more frantic now. It was all too final and he’d had no time to prepare. “Get off me!” he shouted, shoving the other man to get out his grip. “Perry!” The arms around his waist tightened, but he still continued to wriggle. “Get off me! Perry! Let me go!” At this point, he didn’t know why he was still fighting, but he felt like he needed to fight. Fight the inevitable. Fight the finality. Fight for the friend who couldn’t fight anymore.
They had already closed the doors to the van and when the paramedic finally let him go, he didn’t have the strength to stand. He collapsed, falling knees first onto the tarmac. Everything around him became a blur—the cop cars to his right, the medic standing on his left. All he saw were the red lights of the van carrying his best friend getting further and further away until it eventually faded into the darkness.
“PERRY!”
His desperate cries echoed through the night, but the one person it was meant for couldn’t hear it.
November, 20
Gallup, New Mexico
“Perry!”
Kevin shot up in his bed, sweating, shaking, gasping for air. It took a while before he realized he was in the motel room and not on that deserted road. He didn’t know how loud he had screamed, but it was loud enough to wake him up. His state of semi-consciousness was a confusing place to be. In that place where dreams mix with reality, he was delusional enough to believe that calling out Perry’s name could bring him back. In that place where what-ifs were confused with what is, desperation and sheer will were enough to save his friend.
But Perry was gone. Now he only existed in that place and Kevin’s existence seemed perpetual in this world of nothing but emptiness. He wanted to escape it, escape the guilt. He hadn’t even looked for Shandré like he’d promised. He’d disrespected the dying wish of his best friend and to this day he didn’t know if she would have survived if he had gone to search for her earlier. The lives of three people had been in his hands that night and only one survived. He hadn’t known what to do, so he did nothing, not one thing to save them.
He heard shuffling and quickly dropped his head back onto the pillow, pretending to still be asleep. Jasmin had probably heard him and he didn’t want to talk to her. She asked too many questions and a part of him wanted to answer, open up and share the load with her. Maybe then the weight wouldn’t feel so heavy. She had the ability to make him forget about his problems, his pain. Her aura was all-encompassing, so positive and reassuring that he just wanted to get sucked into it and forget. But this washis burden to carry. It wouldn’t be fair to bring her into it. She had more than enough to deal with already.
The lamp beside his bed was switched on. He felt the mattress drop as she sat down beside him and then a gentle hand slowly brushed the hair off his forehead. He kept his eyes closed, hoping she’d think he was sleeping and go back to bed.
“Bad dream?” she whispered.
Her hand moved down the side of his face, caressing his cheek, making him realize just how much he wanted that contact. He’d pushed everyone away after Perry’s death, never allowing himself to feel any sort of comfort, but right now it felt so good. All he wanted was for her to wrap him up in it, just until the ache dulled.
“I wish you’d talk to me,” she said. “I wish you’d tell me what’s hurting you so much. I can see it, you know. You’re really bad at hiding it. Maybe as we go along, you’ll learn to trust me more…but until then…sweet dreams, Kevin.”
She leaned forward and her soft hair tickled the side of his face. A normal person would have maybe kissed his forehead or his cheek, but disrespectful Jasmin went straight for his lips. There was a slight jolt of anger at the violation, but that disappeared quite quickly. The second he registered the warmth of her mouth, the only thing he wanted to do was thread his fingers through her hair, keep her there for eternity so all he’d ever have to feel was her lips against his.
He heard a soft moan and opened his eyes to see that he had done just that. She pulled away slightly, but the hand in her hair stopped her from moving more than a few millimeters. He should’ve let her go, but she was so close, and he wanted her closer. Close enough to dull the ache. Close enough to stop the pain. He just wanted tofeelher, only her.
His eyes locked on hers for a minute, her breaths coming out soft and uncertain, mimicking his own. He waited and whenshe didn’t try to move further away, he pulled her back down to him and kissed her. Long and deep, searching the depths of her mouth for the comfort he knew lay hidden there. He sucked on her tongue, trying to draw her essence into his soul so she could make him whole. His arms went around her, shifting her body until her legs were straddling his hips. She was nervous, unsure of what to expect, but she didn’t hold back. Just like with everything else, she opened up to the experience, offered herself wholeheartedly to him. And he couldn’t find the strength to say no.
Her tongue traced seductively over his lower lip and he just lost it, got lost in it. He tossed her over on the small bed, kicking the covers off before he rolled on top of her. Everything changed at that moment. Want turned into need. Hunger turned into greed. He wanted all of her, could think of nothing else but having her. Twisting one hand in her hair, he tilted her head back so her full, ripe lips were exposed and ready for him. No one else had tasted these lips. No one else had touched this body. It was his for the taking. He wasn’t gentle about it. It was raw assault, his mouth claiming hers like he was actually worthy.
He wasn’t.
At some point, he didn’t know when, he found a few seconds to remove his sleepshirt. His hand crept beneath her pajama top, cupping her breast, and she arched her back to take full advantage of his touch. He spent a few more minutes ravaging her mouth before his lips went down her neck—sucking, biting, trying to fulfill insatiable need building inside him.
He wasn’t gentle about this either.
“Kevin,” she moaned, her shallow breaths warm against his ear.
The sound of his name on her lips had his fingers pressing harder into her flesh. The buttons of her pajamas were quickly undone and his eyes followed every movement of his hand ashe spread the material. With her top half bared to him, he took a few moments to appreciate every curve, every contour. Her smooth skin. Her supple breasts.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, dipping his head to take her nipple into his mouth.
Her fingers gripped his hair, keeping his head in place as his tongue swirled around one swollen peak and then the other. Her responsiveness was intoxicating, pushing him closer and closer to the edge. He was getting drunk on that cocktail of inexperience mixed with eagerness. Her smell, her taste—he wanted it to consume him. He wanted to lose himself in this lust, allow outer pleasure to replace the inner pain.
He dragged his mouth back up to hers, because he hadn’t had enough yet and pressed himself harder against her, loving the feel of her bare skin on his. His hand moved between her legs, sliding up her inner thigh before cupping her over her pajama pants. He rubbed her, feeling her dampness through the material. Moaning against his mouth, she writhed beneath him. His hands were impatient and he wanted more. Clothes were completely unnecessary. Hooking his fingers into the waistband of her pajama pants, he began to tug it down.
