“What, Ma?” he cut in, turning his full attention back to her. “What exactly were you trying to do? You trying to make me feel better? Is that it?”
“Kevin.” Dom’s warning was a little more compassionate this time, but still a warning.
Kevin was past the point of caring about the consequences. He didn’t care about the tears that were now running down his mother’s face. He didn’t care about anything. “Here’s a newsflash, Ma.Nothingis going to make me feel better. Notyour bacon and eggs, not your chocolate chip cookies, and certainly notyou! You wanna offer me breakfast like everything is just peachy when my best friend is six feet under. Forgive me if I don’t have an appetite.”
“You’re not the only one who lost him,” Dom bit out. “Stop using it as an excuse to behave like a dick! Perry was like a brother to me, too. I know how you feel.”
“Fuck you!” The retort burst out of him louder than he’d intended. He was grinding his teeth, desperately trying to stop hot tears that were on the brink of falling. “You weren’t there that night. You don’t have a clue how I feel.”
Dom’s brown eyes softened, immediately switching to big brother mode. There was too much love in this damn family and he wanted no part in it. “Well, I’m right here, Kevin. Tell me. You keep bottling it in and then you just explode, so instead of snapping all the time and blowing up over something as simple as breakfast, just tell me how you feel.”
He made it sound so easy, like there were actually words to describe every fragment of a shattered soul, like simple sentences were enough to convey the black hole sucking the life out of him from the inside. Yeah, Dom didn’t have a fucking clue.
“Kay needs to eat,” was all he said before he walked across the kitchen and out the back door.
He went to the shed, got a hammer and one nail and then walked across the yard to a log calledMom. There was a log for every member of his family. It was his way of keeping track of every vile comment that left his mouth.
When he was ten years old, a heated argument with Jordan caused him to snap. He’d lashed out with ugly words and because she’d never been the type to take shit from anyone, she fought back. She grabbed him by the ear, dragged him outside and instructed him to hammer a nail into a log. When he was done,she pulled out the nail and showed him the hole that was left behind.
“That’s what your words do to people, Kevin,” she’d said. “And it doesn’t matter if you say you’re sorry, that hole doesn’t close. It stays there forever.”
So that’s how he kept track of every hurtful remark, every hole he left in his wake. It was a reminder of what an asshole he could be, and he needed very little provocation.
Dom had four nails in his log. Even though he always stepped in to diffuse a situation, he rarely did anything to piss Kevin off. Shane only had three. He never stopped talking, which was incentive enough for Kevin to steer clear of him. Jordan had nineteen, because Jordan was a sister and sisters were annoying. Momma B, Perry’s mom (Kevin’s second mom), had one for that one time he’d said the ugliest thing imaginable to her. After a swift slap, he never snapped at her again.
Just like Dom and for the very same reason, his dad had four. There were no nails in both Perry and Max’s logs. Perry for obvious reasons, but Max…Max had a temper, the Aries temper Mom called it. It didn’t matter if he was outsized or outnumbered, Max was always the first to throw a punch. Kevin and Perry had been bullied all through elementary school and he’d grown to hate violence. He would never allow it to come to fists, not with his brother. On the very few occasions Max had angered him, Kevin had chosen to simply walk away.
But then there was his poor mother. She had fifty-eight nails and twenty of them had been hammered in during the last three months. She just didn’t get it. Every time she tried to hold him, he thought about how Momma B would never get to hold Perry again. Every time she tried to reach out, he withdrew even more. She wanted to take away the pain, but he deserved to feel every ounce of it. Perry and Shandré were the most amazing people he’d ever met. They should have had a beautiful, happy lifetogether and yethewas the one who survived. How did he come out of that crash with nothing but a scratch?
They’d hit something in the road. He still didn’t know what it was, but the car spun out of control. It flipped and Perry flew straight through the windshield. They’d found Shandré’s body lying in a ditch. He’d dragged Clayton to the side of the road. His legs were broken in so many places bones were jutting out through his skin. Kevin had been covered in so much blood that night he could still smell it. Two dead bodies, two amputated legs, and all he got was one fucking scratch.
The guilt was overwhelming. He didn’t go to their funerals. He hadn’t gone to see Momma B. He hadn’t seen Clayton, not even a phone call to see how he was doing. There would be too much resentment and he had enough to deal with.
He needed to get out of there, away from Great Falls, away from the haunting memories. His birthday was coming up and he didn’t want to be anywhere near here on that day. Perry wanted to go to Florida and he’d take him there. Well, at least what he had left of him. The dog-tag chain that he’d worn every day since they were eighteen years old. He would take that to Florida. That was in no way good enough, but he had to do something. It wouldn’t ease the guilt, but it was the least he could do to honor Perry’s memory.
He didn’t have a lot of money. With the allowance his dad deposited into his bank account each month, he had a bit saved up and he’d make it work somehow. Hitchhike as much as he could. Cheap motels. Limited food. The trip should take a little over a week. He could make it work.
With his mind made up, he walked back inside and went straight to the bathroom. He showered and changed, then went to his bedroom. He packed two large duffle bags with the basics of what he might need and tucked Perry’s dog-tag chain safelyinto his pocket. He had the same chain hanging around his own neck. Three years and he hadn’t taken it off once.
Walking back to the living room, he knelt down in front of the sofa. “Hey, Princess. Uncle K is going away for a little while.”
“For how long?” she asked innocently.
“Just a few days. I need you to be a good girl, okay? And I need you to take care of Grandma for me. If you see her crying, just give her a big hug. Can you do that for me?”
She nodded, shifting on the sofa and throwing her short arms around his neck. “I’m gonna miss you.”
He held onto her for a bit, squeezing her a little too tight, but she didn’t complain. “Me too. I promise we’ll have that ball as soon as I get back.” He felt her lips on his cheek and enjoyed that for a few more seconds before he slowly eased her away and stood up. “See you soon.”
Grabbing the duffle bags in one hand, he tossed them over his shoulder and headed for the front door.
“Kevin, where are you going?”
“None of your business, Dom.”
“So you were just going to leave without a word? Just let our mother sit here and worry while you go off to God knows where. Real mature, little brother.”
Kevin flipped him the middle finger and carried on walking to the door.
