Very slowly, a smile curved on her lips. “How do you know I have a boyfriend? You checking up on me?” He didn’t answer and her smile widened. “I might be reading too much into this, but you sound…a little jealous. Are you jealous, Kevin?” Again she paused, waiting for a response that didn’t come. “No, I am reading too much into it. Seeing me with Dalton probably doesn’t affect you at all. And I’m sure you don’t care about how much time we spend together…or us making out…cuddling naked under the sheets. You know, all that boyfriend-girlfriend stuff.”
She used a mocking tone and he felt his blood boiling under his skin. His breathing elevated, his fingers balled into tight fists as he battled to keep his temper under control.
“He’s anamazingguy and we just can’t seem to keep our hands off each other. He likes my ass too, by the way.”
“Stop it!” he hissed through gritted teeth.
“What’s the matter?” It wasn’t just the sarcasm that irked him now; it was the amusement in her voice. She was purposely trying to rile him up and it was working. “Does the thought of me being with Dalton bother you? It shouldn’t. I thought you didn’t give a fuck about me. Weren’t you just using me for sex because it wasconvenient, because no one else was around?”
“What exactly are you trying to prove?”
“That you’re a liar…and I figured you out.” She took a step towards him and, quite unexpectedly, gently traced her forefinger over his mouth. “These lips communicate with me in two ways. Cold words and hot kisses. After what you said to me in Florida, I drove myself crazy trying to figure out which one was real, which one should I believe. And then it struck me: they’re both telling me the same thing. It’s not that you don’t care about me. You care too much. You’re just too scared to show it.”
He took a small step back, clasping his hands behind his head. Disrespectful Jasmin didn’t give him the space he indirectly asked for. Instead, she stepped closer, her hand moving to his cheek and lightly caressing his jaw. “You fell first…and then you dragged me down with you only to toss me aside because you’re so afraid that we could be something more. You hurt me to protect yourself. There’s only one ugly thing you said that day that was true…You are a coward…and you’re right. That’s not the type of man I need.” She dropped her hand from his face and broke eye contact, choosing to stare at the ground instead of him. “I’m sorry I ruined your Christmas. I just needed to find a way to let go of all this. This is where theroad ends for us…and I’ll…” She looked up at him again, mist leaving her mouth as she exhaled a shaky breath. “I’ll get over you eventually…as soon as I can convince myself that what I feel for you is just a chemical reaction in the brain.” Even though tears brimmed in her eyes, she still smiled through it. “Goodbye, Kevin…And after everything you’ve been through, I hope that one day you find happiness, the kind of happiness you want to hold onto forever.”
It was clear that she wanted to have the last word because she didn’t even give him a chance to respond. She walked back to the car and got in.
“Jasmin, wait.” His throat was so tight, he didn’t know if she heard his strained voice over the wind.
He was still absorbing the shock of what she’d said when she started the engine and she drove away before he could get to her car.
“Jasmin!”
Calling out after her proved to be pointless as he watched the car disappear around the corner. He should leave it there and let her move on with her life. She was better off without him. She deserved more. He told himself all of this and yet he was still racing back up the stairs. He rushed inside and went straight to the kitchen to get the keys to his father’s Land Rover. He didn’t care that there were a million reasons why he should let her go. There was only one reason why he was going to chase after her. He didn’t have the strength to watch her leave a second time.
As he walked back to the front door, he noticed that Jordan and Max were still in the dining room…at the window. That made it clear that they’d been spying on him outside. Jordan handed Max a twenty dollar bill and that confirmed that they’d taken a bet on the outcome of his argument with Jasmin. Morons!
His siblings were smart and successful adults, and it was mind-jarring that they could be so immature at times. But at least they were distracted and didn’t see him sneak out again.
He pressed the button on the remote to open the garage door and got into the car. Going after her seemed like a good idea, but as soon as he got behind the wheel, panic started setting in. He hadn’t driven since that night and the memories came flooding back. All his senses went into overdrive. He heard the screeching tires and metal crunching as the car spun out of control. The stench of burnt rubber and blood filled his nostrils. His fingers gripped the edge of the roof and it was only then that he realized he’d gotten out of the car.
Taking a deep breath, he tried to steady himself. Once…Twice… “You can do this. Just go get her.” He got back into the car and with trembling hands, he turned on the ignition. “You can do this.”
She came all this way. The least he could do was take his head out of his ass and apologize. That was all he’d wanted to do for two weeks. That was what he’d wanted to do before she drove off. And he wasn’t going to let her leave until he had his say. He ignored his racing heart and sweaty palms as he slowly backed out of the driveway. He went in the same direction as she had and it didn’t take long to catch up to her. She was driving at less than twenty miles per hour. It was a quiet street heading out of the suburbs towards the main road with nothing but wilderness on either side. He sped up, cut in front of her and stopped the car, forcing her to do the same.
He hopped out first, slammed the door shut, and waited…and waited. She was bracing herself to face him again and he didn’t rush her. There was a drawn out silence when she finally got out and he decided to speak first.
“Why did you cut your hair?”
She hadn’t been expecting that question because confusion muddled her expression. “It…it was too long and…it’s so hard to maintain at that length.”
“Why did you cut your hair?”
“It was becoming so annoying to have it hanging in my face all the time.”
“Jasmin, why did you cut your hair?”
“And every time I brushed it back…I thought of you…And I really need to stop thinking about you, Kevin.”
It was confirmation of yet another beautiful thing he’d destroyed. “I’m sorry.” He walked from his car to hers, closing the gap between them. “Fuck, Jasmin…with everything in me, I’m sorry. And it’s too late and it’s not enough, but…I’m sorry…for everything. What I did, what I said…I don’t expect you to accept my apology…and you won’t understand why I did it—”
“Why did you do it?”
He shrugged, trying to find a way to explain it. “Come here.” He took her hand and led her to the side of the road. After picking up a stick, he knelt down in front of her. “This is me.” He drew a large circle in the snow and a smaller circle inside it. “Everyone I care about is in this circle, the bigger one. And the only person who managed to weasel his way into the smaller one was Perry…because he was the only one who ever really understood me. After he died, it’s like there’s nothing there. I was with him every day for fifteen years and now that he’s gone, there’s just this big, gaping hole. This whole space feels so empty…Now, this is you.” He drew a stick figure with one leg in the smaller circle and the other leg in the bigger one. “You came along and hit me like a freight train. And you have no idea what it’s like for me. I wanna be with you every second of the day and yet I can’t stand the sight of you. You represent everything I shouldn’t have, every feeling I shouldn’t feel…because that’s exactly what I took away from my best friend. The guilt eats atme every time I’m around you, but all I want to do is…be around you. It fucking kills me.” He paused, inhaling a deep, steadying breath. “That day in Florida…I had two choices. One part of me wanted to let you in. I wanted you to fill the emptiness, take away the pain…and maybe even the guilt…but the other part of me wanted to keep you out…so that I never have to feel this way again. But you see, both choices were selfish, so I chose neither. I chose to let you go. I didn’t do it to protect myself. I wanted you to leave and not look back. What I said was fucked up, but I knew you’d get over it. It would take a couple days, but eventually you’d realize I wasn’t worth your time and you’d forget about me.”
She sighed irritably and shook her head. “Well, it’s been a couple days and look at where I am.”
“Yeah. What I didn’t filter into the equation is the fact that you’re bat-shit crazy.”
