Thirty-five days on the road. He’d come all the way to Florida to fulfil a dream that wasn’t his when Perry should’ve been here to do it himself. He was going to start his own business, getmarried to the girl he loved, have lots of babies. All of those dreams shattered because of one reckless night.
Kevin toyed with the chain in his hand, getting ready to throw it as far out into the ocean as he could. He walked closer to the water’s edge, the bubbly white surf lightly lapping at the tips of his sneakers. Raising his arm, he tried to take a deep breath to brace himself. It didn’t work and he tried again. Using all his strength, he flung his arm, but his uncooperative fingers closed tightly over the dog-tags.
“I can’t…” he said even though there was no one there to hear him. “I can’t let you go.” He dropped to his knees, unable to hold himself up. “It should have been me.” The damp sand gave in beneath him, allowing the water to seep through his jeans. He wanted the tide to drag him in and swallow him whole. Actually, that wasn’t what he wanted. It was what he deserved. “It should have been me!”
The shudders came first, causing his body to tremble despite the jacket he wore. Next his stomach began to churn, twisting into a tight ball from all the guilt. Then grief and pain got lodged in his throat, obstructing a clear passage and he found himself gasping for air. And then came the tears, little by little, and then all at once. He broke down, clutching onto the chain so tight he felt like the tags were slicing into his skin.
Nothing good is ever built in an instant. It takes time. It needs to be molded, crafted until it’s perfect. It takes patience and understanding. It takes time. Days. Weeks. Months. Years. But it can never be done in a second. And yet that’s all it takes to destroy it. One measly second and it was gone. All that remained were the broken pieces of what once was. That was him, the fragmented shards left behind after that one measly second. He was only one half of a friendship.
“We’re gonna be best friends forever, right, Kev?”
Even if he tried, he couldn’t hold it back. He cried and cried and just when he thought all the energy had drained from his body, he cried some more. Tears flowed in a steady stream, becoming one with the ocean as they rolled off his cheeks. Deep down, he’d secretly hoped that when he got to Florida, he would be able to let go, let go of the pain and the guilt and fifteen years’ worth of memories, but now he was clinging to all of it, holding onto the other half just so he could feel whole. Letting go of all that meant he would have to let go of Perry and he didn’t think he would ever be able to do that.
He shifted, moving off his knees to sit on the sand, and he sat there for almost two hours watching the waves creep up on the shore. He closed his eyes, hoping that the sound of the water would soothe the restlessness within him, but it didn’t. There was no solace, no way of living with the guilt, no way of living with himself knowing what he had done, and eventually he gave up. He didn’t even want to try anymore.
He stood up and didn’t bother dusting the sand off his clothes. He stomped down the beach, heading back to the spot where he’d left his bags. Tears stung the back of his eyes. Angry tears. He was angry because he was still powerless to do anything, angry because he couldn’t right the wrongs of the past. He had brought the only thing he had left of Perry to Florida and it still wasn’t enough. Nothing he did would ever be enough.
As he neared the path heading back to the road, he saw her sitting on the rock beside his bags and he stopped, froze in place. She was the last person he wanted to see right now. She represented everything he’d taken away from another couple.
He’d lost count of how manylast daysthey’d spent together. Since Alabama, he’d woken up every morning thinking that by nightfall, they would have gone their separate ways. But every day, he’d spend a few minutes with her and lose his will to saygoodbye. He couldn’t leave her, so he’d begged her to leave him. Yet here she was, and he didn’t want to see her.
“What are you still doing here?” His voice sounded hoarse and he cleared his throat. “I asked you to leave.”
Her shoulders lifted in a small shrug. “You’re in a place you don’t know on a secluded beach. Who knows how long it will take before you find someone to take you to…anywhere. I thought—”
He grabbed his bags and started walking towards the road. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”
She stood up and took quick, hasty steps to cut in front of him. “You’re not fine. I can see it…and you shouldn’t be alone. You don’t even have to talk to me, just let me take you someplace where you’ll be safe. You’re not in the best frame of mind. I know today was hard for you and—”
“You don’t know anything.”
Dan:He’s ticking, Bob. He’s ticking.
“I know that you withdraw at the mere mention of Perry’s name. And I know that today you were reliving that night over and over again in your head. It’s hurting you, Kevin, but you don’t have to go through it alone. I know the guilt is eating at you because you survived and they didn’t. I understand how you feel.”
Dan:Triggered.
“Oh,youunderstand?” The sound that came out of him was half snort, half laugh. He dropped his bags and crossed his arms over his chest. “You understand the guilt I feel? Did I tell you I was driving that night, Jazz?” It was the first time he’d admitted it out loud and it stung him to his very core. “Did I tell you I was drinking that night?” He actually had to take a second and breathe through that because the words burned the inside of hismouth on the way out. “No. I didn’t tell you that part. I didn’t want you to know that…I didn’t want you to know I was the one responsible…for fucking up the lives of three people. Two are dead and Clayton can’t walk because of me. I did that.”
Her eyes were wide after that revelation, filled with something he couldn’t decipher. Pity? Sympathy? Disgust? He didn’t know. All he knew was that she’d never looked at him that way before.
“Kevin…” She took a step towards him, reaching out to take his hand but he immediately stepped back.
“That’s not even the worst of it,” he said, finally ready to reveal all. She was the only person he’d ever opened up to and he wanted her to know everything. He showed her his vulnerability and his scars. Now it was time to show her the monster that lived within. “I didn’t look for Shandré. I promised him I would and I didn’t. His dying wish…and I didn’t do it. And then afterwards…I didn’t even go to his funeral.” He felt it then, even in the presence of the thermostat. There was no way she could shut it off. It was like lava. All of it rising up, bubbling over inside him until the heat beneath his skin was so severe, he thought he might ignite. “My best friend…I didn’t go to his funeral, didn’t pay my last respects. I couldn’t face his mother…a woman I love like my own mother. I saw her…I saw her…at the morgue.” It raced up his throat, clogging it, and something as simple as talking became a strained effort. “She was hysterical. They had to sedate her. I did that to her…and I couldn’t bring myself to look at her again. It’s been four months now…she lives four fucking houses away…and I haven’t gone to see her once…That’s the kind of coward I am. I took her only child…and then refused to see her. She’s in the hospital now because of me.” His eyes met hers and he didn’t blink. He wanted her to see it, see every despicable part of him so she would finally realize that he wasn’tworth her time. “Tell me, Jazz. Do you understand the guilt I feel?”
She stood there completely expressionless, unable to answer.
“I should be in jail right now. But somehow my toxicology test got fucked up.” A sardonic chuckle popped out involuntarily. “It said I was under the legal limit…and I don’t know if it’s because I wasn’t really drunk…or because I threw up on the side of the road. You have no idea what not knowing does to me…So after everything I did, I get to walk away like nothing happened. Life goes back to normal for me. I got to go on this trip…see half the country…meet you. I didn’t deserve any of that, but I got it.” The knot in his throat tightened and speaking was becoming excruciatingly painful. Words were cracking and squeaking as he forced them out. His ability to hold back the tears was also dissolving and every few seconds, he felt one roll down his cheek. “Tell me, Jasmin…Do you understand the guilt I feel?”
This time she managed to swallow the shock and shake her head. “No.”
“There were no consequences for my actions, no ramifications. I should be punished for what I did…and there’s nothing!”
She tried to take his hand again, but he took another step back to keep the distance between them.
“So you punish yourself?” she asked softly.
“Someone has to.”
