That’s the problem. I wasn’t thinking.
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to push back the wave of emotions threatening to overwhelm me. The truth is, I haven’t been thinking clearly for weeks now. Maybe longer. I’m dealing with so much these days that I’m cracking along the seams, fractures spreading through me like a porcelain vase that has been dropped one too many times.
And as a result, I lost control this afternoon. Completely lost it.
The memory of snapping at Kieran makes me wince. His face flashes through my mind—the shock, the concern, the hurt I put there with my harsh words. He had just saved me from those noble daughters, stopped me from retaliating in a way that would have made things even worse, and I lashed out at him like a cornered animal.
I shouldn’t have done that.
But I’m being bombarded from multiple sides, attacks coming from every direction, and there’s no one I can talk to. No one I can lean on without feeling like I’m failing somehow.
I can’t bother Astra with this. She’s dealing with a difficult pregnancy, her body going through changes that are taking their toll. The last thing she needs is me dumping my problems on her doorstep when she should be focused on keeping herself and her baby safe.
And Selene—Selene is finally happy with Seth. Actually, genuinely happy. I can see it in the way she lights up when he enters the room, the way her smile comes more easily now. How can I burden her with my darkness when she has just found her light?
My breathing becomes shallow and rapid. The walls of my bedchamber seem to be closing in around me. I curl onto the bed, pulling my knees up to my chest, trying desperately to control the panic rising in my throat.
There is so much pain inside me.
The grief of losing the female alpha wolf, of losing my unborn children in past lives, of knowing that my fated mate doesn’t want to be with me because he thinks I’ll die again. It feels like wherever I look, there’s no one there for me.
I always had to rely on myself as a child. My uncle trained me to be a soldier, but he was abusive, and my parents were more focused on my brothers. I was always neglected. I’ve always felt like I never belonged anywhere. And now, with memories swirling in my head of my past lives, I feel like I’m losing my identity. The fated mate bond with Kieran is so strong that I’m being forced to suffocate my wolf so I can stay in control.
I let out a shaky breath, my entire body trembling with the effort of holding myself together. The words come out just above a whisper, a desperate mantra to the empty room: “I’ve got this. I can handle this alone. I don’t need anybody.”
The lies taste bitter on my tongue.
I force myself to get up, wash away the blood, and apply more of Astra’s wolfsbane cure to my wounds. The scratches are healing now, the poison drawn out, but I can still feel the phantom burn where the claws raked across my skin. My body is exhausted, wrung out from the attack and the emotional turmoil of the afternoon.
I change into my nightclothes and crawl into bed, pulling the blankets up to my chin. Sleep doesn’t come easily. My mind keeps replaying the attack and Kieran’s face when I snappedat him, the weight of everything crushing down on me. But eventually, exhaustion wins out, and I drift into a restless sleep.
The knockon my door jolts me awake. For a moment, I’m disoriented, unsure what woke me. Then, it comes again—a firm but polite knock.
I push myself up and rub my eyes. The soft light filtering through my window tells me it’s evening now. I must have slept for hours.
I swing my legs out of bed and pad to the door, suddenly very aware that I’m in my nightclothes. I find Leon standing in the hallway, carrying a stack of textbooks. His expression is warm and concerned.
“I’m sorry to wake you,” he says, “but I brought these for you—the ones you asked about last week? For your research into historical pack alliances. I came earlier, but no one answered. I have to go on a brief mission tomorrow, so I wanted to make sure you got the books before I left.”
“Thank you.” I manage a smile, genuinely touched that he remembered. “That’s really kind of you.”
Leon’s eyes find the mark on my face, and his expression darkens. “I heard about what happened in the gardens. Are you alright?”
“I’m fine,” I lie automatically. “It’s already healing.”
He studies me for a moment, and I can see he doesn’t believe me. But he doesn’t push, just nods slowly. “If you need help—with anything—I’m always here. You know that, right?”
My chest clenches at his earnestness. Leon is good. Kind. Reliable. Astra has been pushing us together for weeks now, dropping hints and creating opportunities for us to spend timealone. And Leon has made it clear, in a dozen small ways, that he’s interested in me as more than just a colleague or friend.
But my heart doesn’t beat wildly for him. Not the way it does for Kieran. When Leon walks into a room, I feel nothing. No spark, no pull, no desperate need to be close to him. He’s attractive, certainly—objectively handsome with his sandy hair and warm brown eyes. But I’m not attracted to him in the least.
The realization makes me feel guilty. Why can’t I want someone who actually wants me back? Why does my stupid, cursed heart have to belong to someone who is determined to stay away from me?
“I appreciate that,” I tell Leon, forcing warmth into my voice. “Really, I do.”
He brightens at my words, taking a step closer. “Actually, if you have some time, maybe we could go for a walk? The gardens are beautiful at sunset, and I thought—”
Before I can answer, Kieran’s door slams open with a force that makes both Leon and me jump. Kieran strides from his chambers to mine, his presence filling the hallway like a storm rolling in.
