“They said they did, but I know how badly I hurt them. I never returned to school. I would’ve been the first in my family to graduate from college, but I was too ashamed to apply and have to explain why I’d gotten expelled. I got odd jobs, took online courses in office management, marketing, human resources…finally got that college degree. I left home for my first job in the city with a law firm—I was a temp filling in for the partner’s personal assistant who was out on maternity leave. They kept me on when she returned, and then I met Janice Butler, who took a liking to me. She was dating one of the partners and told me if I worked with her headhunting firm, she’d hook me up with top businesspeople—New York’s elite. I told her everything about my past, and she said it’s hard to find someone who’s gotten far in life without suffering some kind of adversity. My first PA job was with an international banker, but he moved to Europe and I didn’t want to leave the country. My second was with the head of one of the largest hedge funds in the country. He went to jail.” A slight twitch of his lips. “Then I went to Boris.”
“Janice sounds like a smart woman.”
Surprising him, Hayden returned to the couch to sit by his side. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to know because I was soashamed.” He shook his head and made a fist on his knee. “I hate that you had to find out. I didn’t want you to think less of me.”
There wasn’t a chance in hell he could ever think less of Hayden. But to know that his cocky confidence had all been an illusion and that for years he’d walked a tightrope of doubt and fear, that hurt. And it hurt more that Hayden could think he’d be the one to push him off, toppling him to the ground.
“I couldn’t, Hayden. I don’t. You’re an amazing PA. I couldn’t survive in the office without you.” Armi decided to hell with keeping secrets. “But you’re so much more than someone who works for me. I care about you. You’re my friend.”
“I was afraid you were going to fire me.”
“For telling me the truth? Never. You’re not going anywhere.”
Chapter Nineteen
It was out. At last. The secret he’d carried, chewing him to pieces like a parasite living inside him, had been exposed, and he remained standing. And employed. Hayden allowed himself to breathe and finally looked Armi in the face.
“Thank you.”
“Did you really think I’d fire you? I think you’re so brave for telling me. Thank you for giving me your trust.”
An indefinable yearning filled him, and Hayden wrapped his arms around himself. “I didn’t know what to think. I was so busy being scared someone would find out.”
“Like your friend Janice said, there isn’t a person in the world who hasn’t made mistakes or done something they never wanted anyone else to find out.”
Hayden snorted. “What have you ever done that was so terrible?”
“I should’ve tried harder with my father and insisted on working with him. Maybe he might not’ve died being so disappointed in me. And I shouldn’t have tried to change who Iwas and hope people would be my friend. Because it didn’t work. No matter what I did, people still didn’t like me.”
Hearing Armi’s confession crushed Hayden’s soul. “No. That’s impossible. You can only go so far and try so hard. You’re beautiful, inside and out, and you shouldn’t have to twist yourself into knots trying to prove it to people. If they can’t see it for themselves, they’re not worth your time.” It hadn’t occurred to him that Armi was trying to prove his father wrong, which only made it sadder, knowing it was a battle he could never win.
“So are you, Hayden. I hope you realize it. You have so much light inside you to give. Don’t let anyone dim it by bringing up what’s no longer important.”
In their short time together, Hayden had learned that Armi’s eyes reflected his emotions, and the yearning in their blue depths was unmistakable. It matched his own. He wanted Armi, and it would be so easy to lean in and kiss him, merge their breath and bodies and fall into each other to wipe away their collective pain. His heart pounded, and every cell in his body screamed for him to do it. Take and claim what he knew he could get. But he resisted, despite how his blood burned. Nothing had changed. Armi was his boss and a friend. Sleeping with him would ruin the bond they’d forged, and Hayden refused to do anything to jeopardize it because once it ended, he’d have to leave.
And he didn’t think he could bear that.
“Thank you for caring so much and for coming by.” He moved from the couch to the kitchen, putting space between them, and while it didn’t lessen his desire, it was safer. Disappointment flashed in Armi’s eyes, and he nodded.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He got to his feet and headed to the door.
“How did the scouting meeting go?”
Hand on the doorknob, Armi stopped. “Fine. Russell and I are going to head down south this weekend to watch some of the prospects play.” Armi opened the door. “Night.”
“Bye.” He leaned against the door and closed his eyes, listening to the footsteps on the opposite side fade away. Damn, he hated doing the right thing.
**
Hayden had tons to do in the week before Armi left for his road trip—and he was glad for it. It kept his mind off Armi and Russell being away together for a whole weekend. It nagged at him because he suspected Russell of orchestrating something that would somehow get Armi into his bed.
Not that there’d been any overt signs of Russell’s intent, but Hayden was laser-fucking-focused on everything Russell Anders did when it came to Armi. Like the frequent touches, innocuous to all but someone who’d spent time watching and noticing he didn’t do it with anyone else. That canny bastard was after Armi.
The thought made him sick to his stomach.
“Not your goddamned business,” he muttered to himself. “You’re not a couple.”
“Hayden? What’s wrong?” Armi approached his desk, face screwed up with concern. His tie lay askew, and there was a suspicious stain on his shirt that might be butter from the bagel he’d eaten that morning. God, he was cute.
