Fidgeting with the zipper on his jacket, Zach gnawed on his lip. “The offer stills stands. I’m happy to get you a nurse. Someone to come in and help you.” He took off his jacket and washed his hands. “Can I hold them?”
“Yeah.” Jessica slumped into the tiny folding chair. “I know. You offered that the night they were born and almost every day afterward. But I don’t want to hire someone when I’m going to be giving the babies up, remember.”
Zach’s heart squeezed as he picked up little Matthew first, then Clara. Jessica had told him she’d named the babies after her grandparents, both of whom died when she was young. He sat on Jessica’s bed with a baby tucked into the crook of each arm.
“Have you found anyone yet?”
A hank of hair fell into her face, and she brushed it off before answering. “I don’t know. Maybe. There’s a couple coming from New Jersey tomorrow who I want to speak with and see how they act with the babies.”
“New Jersey? That’s so far away.” Since they’d come home, Zach had stopped by Jessica’s East New York apartment every day, ostensibly to help her but also to see the babies. In the evening, Sam would swing by and bring them all dinner and they’d watch the babies while Jessica took a shower and rested. Being with Sam and the babies made him think of possibilities.
“Well, they have a big house with a backyard, and that’d be good for them, don’t you think?”
“I guess.”
“Zach.” At her somber tone, he glanced at her with his brows raised. “I know you don’t understand, but I have to give them up. I never wanted kids, and maybe that makes me a terrible person, but I know adoption is the best thing for them.”
He gazed down into Clara’s little face, and she yawned and blinked up at him. A tiny sound escaped her, and Zach knew he couldn’t stay longer or he’d say something he’d regret. “Would you mind if I left a little early tonight?”
Her brows knitted. “Uh, yeah. Is everything okay? You have the weirdest look on your face.”
“Yeah, of course. I just forgot something I needed to do. At home. Um, if you don’t mind.”
“Of course…Zach you don’t have to come every day. You and Sam have done too much for me as it is.”
“It’s not too much.” He felt terrible leaving but before he could say anything more, a discussion with Sam was paramount. After putting the babies into their bassinets, Zach adjusted his glasses and forced a smile. “Sam and I will come tomorrow. You should get some rest while they’re sleeping.” He paused. Jessica hadn’t mentioned her family, and Zach hadn’t wanted to upset her right after the birth to ask. “Does your mother know you had the babies? Have you heard from her?”
“No, and I don’t expect to.” Jessica’s lips tightened and her pretty brown eyes grew hard. “She made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me when I told her I was a lesbian. She wouldn’t even let my girlfriend, Brianna, in the house. I called her after I was raped and she said it was my fault. That’s how I ended up at Bright Horizons.”
“Where’s Brianna now?”
“Still at home in Tennessee. She can’t afford to come here—she has a job. We talk on the phone, but it’s hard, you know. I haven’t seen her in almost eight months.”
“If you did go home, would you live with her?”
A shy smile flirted on her lips. “I mean…we’d like to yeah. But I don’t know how I can. First I’d need a job to help pay the rent, and with the babies, that would be impossible. I want to go to school and get a degree in computer science, and that’s going to take time. That’s why I’m hoping the couple I’m going to see will work out. They said they’d be willing to do an open adoption, so they’d know me.” Tears glittered in her eyes. “I don’t want Matty and Clara to think I didn’t love them enough.”
Zach’s heart was breaking on two fronts—losing the chance to see the babies and Jessica’s heart-wrenching decision. “You’ll do the best thing for them.” He gave her thin shoulder a squeeze. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
In the Uber on the way home, Zach ran through what he planned to say to Sam, drawing up pros and cons for each side. By the time he opened the front door, he was prepared.
“Anyone home?” he called out, walking toward the glow of light from the kitchen. “Sam?”
“In here.”
That deep quiet voice never failed to send thrills through Zach. The sight of Sam, still in his dress shirt and slacks, with the sleeves rolled up, sent a flutter of desire through his belly. Sam sat at the kitchen island with a bottle of beer in front of him, and Zach slipped his arms around Sam’s waist and leaned into him, pressing his lips to Sam’s strong neck.
“Hi.”
“Hi, yourself. Where were you?” Sam spun on the barstool to face him.
“At Jessica’s, dropping her off some food.”
Sam stood and drew him close. “How is she? The babies good?”
Zach leaned against him, listening to the comforting thump of Sam’s heart. “Yeah. Really good. Are you hungry right now?”
Sam gazed down at him, studying his face. “No. And even if I was, you have that look on your face that means you want to talk. Let’s sit.” Holding his hand, Sam led him to the sun-dappled living room where they made themselves comfortable on the couch. “What’s on your mind?”
