Kyle held his sides as he rolled around on the chair, laughing. “You’re high and you didn’t even take a hit. Love you? Yeah, I love to fuck you, but did you think we were boyfriends?”
André blinked, slowly digesting each word like a stab to his heart. “I did. You said you loved me.”
Kyle jumped on the bed. “Of course I love you. You’re young, hot, and gorgeous, and we get high together. The sex is amazing. But you’re not the only one, and if you think I’ve been sitting around with my dick in my hand, waiting for you to come home from college, you’re crazy.”
Spots danced before his eyes. “You’re lying. You’ve been seeing other people all along?”
“Yeah, sure.” He picked up the blunt again, and his nonchalance infuriated André.
He ripped away the sheets and jumped off the bed. “You bastard. You fucking liar. You let me believe I was the only one. All that talk of how I was the best and how incredible I made you feel.”
“All true.” Kyle’s lazy smile through the haze of smoke twisted something dark and ugly in André’s chest. He lunged at Kyle.
“Son of a bitch. I hate you.” A knock sounded at the door, but he ignored it. “You lied to me.”
Kyle was still laughing as the knocking turned into pounding, and André heard Dawson yelling, “André. Let me in. André!”
Still naked, he stormed over and flung open the door to see Dawson, swaying, eyes glazed and face wet with tears.
“She broke up with me. Amanda said she doesn’t want to see me anymore. There’s another guy, I bet. What am I gonna do?”
“Welcome to the club. She’s always saying some shit to you. Go into the house and sleep it off.”
“You don’t give a shit either. Fuck you. Fuck you all.”
He stomped away, and André slammed the door, ready to return and finish the argument with Kyle, but he was fully dressed by then and had slipped on his flip-flops.
“I’m out. I don’t have time for little-boy tantrums. It’s tiring.” He sauntered past André, knocking his shoulder. “See ya.”
Awash in memories, André finished relaying the story of the rest of that terrible night and rubbed his wet face. “Later that evening, we got a call from the Southampton Police that Dawson had taken one of our cars and crashed into a tree after veering off Sunrise Highway. He wasn’t wearing a seat belt and was ejected. He died at the scene.”
Horrified, eyes silver with tears, Chess wrapped him in his arms. “Oh God, babe. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you relive this.”
“For years I blamed myself. If I hadn’t been so angry about Kyle, I would’ve talked to Dawson and he’d still be alive. If I hadn’t been so stupid about Kyle…” A sigh ripped from him. “Dawson’s death changed me. It woke me up out of the puppy-dog life I’d been living, trailing after Kyle with my tongue hanging from my mouth. It also made me hesitant, mistrustful, and unable to connect with people outside my family.”
Chess continued rubbing his back. “Of course. I understand.”
“I had meaningless affairs over the years—I wasn’t a hermit. But I refused to allow myself to love.”
“You were very lonely.” Chess kissed his cheek. “And, if I can hazard a guess, that’s the reason you won’t go inside the pool house anymore?”
“I was. So damn lonely.” He took Chess by the shoulders, sliding his hands up his neck to cup his cheeks. “I’m sorry I hid this from you, but I was also hiding it from myself. Not only haven’t I been in that pool house since that night, but I ripped apart and redid my house, to erase any memories of Kyle’s presence. I cut myself off from coming out here, even though I loved it, because I didn’t want to think about Dawson and how I failed him.”
“You didn’t. It was a horrible tragedy, but it wasn’t your fault.”
“Maybe.”
Chess grabbed his wrists. “No maybes. Dawson made a choice to get behind that wheel. It had nothing to do with you. You told him to sleep it off, but he ignored you. It was his decision. Just like you made the decision not to love again as a punishment.”
“I couldn’t forget his voice and how he begged me to be with him—I still can’t—but I was selfish.”
“No. You were a kid—what, twenty-one? What the hell did you know? And you loved Kyle—”
“No. I didn’t. That’s the one thing I’ve learned from everything. I never loved him. It was only sex. It might hurt you to hear me say it, but it was so long ago. It means nothing. Not anymore.”
“I’m not so sure.” Chess appeared lost in thought. “Past experiences have a way of shaping our future. What matters is whether we let them control us to the point of blindness to any other path.”
“You’re my path—my path home.” André closed the space between them, kissing Chess’s lips, which didn’t soften under his. “You showed me the way. Meeting you opened my eyes to everything I’d been missing in my life. I love you. Only you. Forever. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about everything between me and Kyle. Now I see how stupid it was to hide something that in the end means nothing to us. Forgive me?”
