Chapter Twenty-Two
Having Elliot gaze at him with such trust and light shining from his eyes smoothed the path for him to open his heart. He shouldn’t have been surprised, as Elliot made everything better, and it had taken the day spent wrestling with himself and the devil he’d carried with him for five years to understand. Elliot’s warm palm rested in his, and he held on to it like a lifeline leading him from choppy waters to the safety of shore.
“This morning when I left here, I went home to beat myself up for forgetting Kevin’s birthday, and yet all I could think of was how I was deceiving you. And myself.”
“Yourself? How?”
“Denial,” he said simply, now that the truth was out and not weighing on his heart and soul like an anchor. “From the first, even when I was merely following that list for fun, there was something different about you than any other man I’d tried to be with since Kevin died.”
Elliot blinked. “How many men? You made it sound like I was the first.”
“You were the first who mattered.” It seemed stupid not to share that truth, and from the brightness of Elliot’s shy smile, he’d made the right call.
Elliot’s cheeks tinted pink. “The night of the break-in, I thought you were this hot, tough cop. I didn’t know if you were gay, but you were like my every fantasy come to life. I figured a guy like you would have his pick of whoever he wanted to be with. But I never thought I’d be one of them.”
“Ah, babe, you’re not one of them. You’re the only one.” To lighten the mood a bit, he decided to share his dating app story. “There was one guy…he wanted to have sex within the first hour of meeting me.”
Elliot raised a brow and raked him with a lascivious eye from head to toe. “Can’t say I blame him.”
“Okay, have your fun.”
“So you said no, I’m assuming?”
An astonished laugh burst from him. “Of course I did. I wouldn’t sleep with anyone the first time we met. He was too into the partying scene, and I’ve got no time for that. The last thing I want is to hang out at a club or bar. Maybe you think my behavior when we first met was only because of your list, but I actually love coming home, putting on a movie, and eating dinner on the couch. I’m a homebody. Plenty of nights I’d just sit in the backyard alone, looking at the stars. None of it was a ploy to get you into bed.”
“Not that I made it that difficult for you.”
“That’s not the point. I need to have a connection with people beyond physical, because that can end in a hot second, and then what? You’re left sitting with each other, and if you have nothing in common and don’t like each other beyond the sex, you’ve got a problem.”
“I agree.”
The list sprang to his mind, and though Elliot had made light of it, Win wondered if there was some kernel of truth to it after all. “Are you sure that’s true? The only reason I ask is because of that list.”
“Oh God, please, can we just rip that up and never mention it again?” Groaning, Elliot fell back on the couch. “I certainly never anticipated anyone seeing it. As you know, that was pure Spencer, except for the parts I wrote in, which you more than fulfilled.”
“Hmm.” He stretched out his legs. “So what you’re saying is I don’t fit the Spencer parts. Something’s wrong with my ass?” He cocked a brow. “I’m not…what did it say…‘hung’?Oof.”
Elliot landed on him. “You know you more than exceed anything Spencer put on that stupid list and whatever he didn’t.” A blush crept up his neck. “You’re everything,” Elliot whispered.
Win chuckled and wrapped his arms around Elliot, the pull to keep him near now calmed. The impossible had happened, and he’d found joy once again. The challenge would be to learn to enjoy it and not worry that Elliot would also be taken away from him. Win kissed the top of his head. “I guess you can show me later.” Hopefully, later would be sooner.
Twisting in his arms to face him, Elliot had a different idea. “You never finished telling me about the other men you dated. You only mentioned the party guy, but I’m assuming there was more than one.”
Damn. Elliot would do well during interrogations. “There was Royce, who was a nice guy—Forrest’s wife set us up. She’d been nagging me for years to start dating again.”
“You liked him, though. Am I right?” Perceptive as always, Elliot pinned him with an unwavering gaze that had him squirming.
“Yeah, I won’t lie. I did. He was easy to talk to, and we had fun whenever we got together.”
“Did you sleep with him?”
God, this was embarrassing. “I tried. I couldn’t…it didn’t…” He sighed. “I thought if I pushed myself, it would work out. It didn’t. I felt bad because I wanted to be able to. I felt like I should. But that spark wasn’t there. Not with him.”
“No?”
With Elliot’s hands in his, Win hadn’t felt as sure about anything in years. “Are you still doubting me?”
A muscle jumped in Elliot’s jaw. “Not you. Myself. Every relationship I’ve been in, I’ve had to force myself to believe it was okay for them to treat me like they did, even when deep down I knew it wasn’t right. I knew what a good relationship was—my friend Chess and his boyfriend are perfect together. I blinded myself to the shortcomings of every man I’d ever been with, hoping they’d want me. It never worked out.”
