“How about I make a fire and we toast the leftover marshmallows? We finished all the chocolate.”
Could Win be any more perfect?
“Still following my list? It’s not necessary, you know.”
Win nudged his cheek, kissed it. “I don’t know about that. I’m looking forward to working my way through some of it. Like: ‘able to go hours in bed.’”
Elliot’s cheeks caught fire. “Stupid. You haven’t heard me complaining.”
“Me neither. I have everything I want right now.”
For how long, though?Elliot wanted to ask. How long would it be before Win grew tired of him the way every other man had?
Silence swelled between them, and Elliot wished he had the confidence to open up to Win more. Life had been a hamster wheel of searching for comfort but finding only loneliness in the arms of the wrong men. Never feeling loved. Never understanding what loving anyone really meant. Until Win. But, hearing the voices of his friends yelling in his ear not to say anything stupid, he shunted off the images of him and Win celebrating Thanksgivings and Christmases together and forced a smile.
“That sounds great. I’ll take these throws so we can wrap ourselves in them if it’s chilly.” He picked up the two draped over the couch. His mother had knitted them in the hours she spent at the hospital with Claire, and after, at the cemetery.
“We’ll only need one.” Win kissed him. “Body heat is the best thing for keeping warm.”
Arms around each other, they left the house, and Elliot closed the door firmly behind him, hoping to keep the bad memories from following them.
***
Fall had come, and though the nights grew cooler, he and Win still spent time in front of the fire pit, wrapped in blankets. During the day Win had started sending him hey-how’s-it-going texts, and Elliot would respond with a funny meme or something interesting he was working on. After several days of that, Win started telling him when he’d be home for dinner, and each time Elliot saw a message pop up, he’d smile. It made him feel connected to Win even when they were apart, giving him hope that there was more to their relationship than sex and having a good time.
One night Win was later than usual, and Elliot had visions of him being wounded and in the hospital. If that happened, Elliot would have no rights to see him—he was only the boyfriend, and their connection still a tenuous one.
The doorbell chimed, setting his heart pounding, and he ran to open the front door.
“I noticed you were out of your favorite chocolate ice cream, and I had to make a few stops to find it.” Win held up a bag with two containers in one hand, while the other held chocolate syrup and a can of whipped cream. “How about a homemade ice-cream sundae?”
And then he led Elliot to the bed, where he fed him spoonfuls of ice cream and squirted the whipped cream directly into his mouth. “I should’ve brought some maraschino cherries to top it all off.” Win teased the aching points of his nipples. “I felt like being decadent tonight.”
Elliot licked his lips. “Being with you is decadent enough.”
Win drizzled chocolate syrup on his tongue and kissed him, the creamy taste delicious but not nearly as rich and sweet as Win’s mouth on his.
“I got worried when you didn’t show up. I thought something might’ve happened to you, and that’s when I started thinking, if you ever got hurt, I’d never know because we’re just dating.”
A shadow darkened Win’s face. “Nothing’s going to happen to me. You don’t have to worry.” He set the spoon and bottle of syrup on the nightstand. “That’s not what I thought we’d be discussing when I brought you up here.”
“I know, but we have to come up for air every once in a while. I understand your work is confidential, but it’s dangerous. It’s normal to worry about someone I care for.”
“I’m fine. I promise if anything ever happens—which it won’t—I’ll make sure you’re told.”
Life without Win now seemed unimaginable, and Elliot allowed his concern to be kissed away by Win’s talented lips, finally secure enough to think:
Maybe this is real.Maybe it’s going to last.
***
On Win’s next day off, they spent the morning raking leaves from both their lawns, and Win, usually more playful and talkative, had become uncharacteristically silent, answering Elliot’s, “What do you want to do today?” with an, “I don’t care” and a shrug. At first he assumed it was due to the danger of his work detail, but after enduring a couple of hours of near silence, he wasn’t so sure anymore.
He’d let it go for the morning, but when they were in his kitchen eating brunch and Win had been staring at his bagel for several minutes without taking a bite, Elliot made an attempt to draw him out.
“Is everything okay?”
“What? Yeah. Fine.”
