Jude sat next to him and stretched out his legs. Mason admired the strong, thick thighs with all that rough dark hair. He loved having it rubbing against him. His mouth dried, and hastily, he took another sip.
“I wanted to be there for my mother. You have no idea how debilitating MS is in its later stages. And I would see her try to walk and fall and try again. And when she still couldn’t do the simplest things, she’d cry to herself that she was failing us. It wasn’t right that she had to do it on her own.”
Tentatively, Mason reached out and covered Jude’s hand with his. For a moment Jude stiffened as if he were going to pull away, but Mason held on. “Did you ever know your father? You never mention him.”
Jude stared into his glass. “No. Ilana and I have different fathers, which we’ve always been aware of, and it doesn’t change anything. She’s my blood. My father stayed for a while, but then my mother kicked him out for stealing her credit card and drinking too much. I found out later, after my mother passed away and I was going through her papers, that Ilana was the product of a date rape. She told Ilana and me that he’d died.”
Mason paled. “Jude…I—”
“I know. She never discussed it with us. Obviously. Probably didn’t want to burden us with that knowledge. She reported it to the police, but they never arrested him.”
“I know ‘I’m sorry’ seems inadequate. No wonder you hate me. I was always thumbing my nose at you, and you must’ve only seen me as a stupid, frivolous kid wasting his life.”
Jude tossed back his drink. “Yeah, I did. At your age I was working and going to school and watching my mother wither away, all while trying to care for her and Ilana. We got some money from the state, but it barely covered rent and necessities. I didn’t even want to trust Doug at first. And seeing you piss away your life made me angry. Resentful.” He swiped at his eyes with a rough jab of his hand. “Jealous.”
“Of me?”
“Yes. You sailed through life so easily, with no consequences or repercussions for what you said or did, and someone was always there to clean up after you.”
“Yeah. You.” When he was young, it had gotten to the point where every time he’d done something stupid, he’d expected Jude to be there.
“Sometimes. But you had the safety net I never had. I could never afford to fall.”
Mason took Jude’s trembling hand. “Now if you do, I’ll be there to catch you.”
Jude laced their fingers together. “You’ll never know how much your family means to me. If it wasn’t for Doug, I might’ve never gotten over my self-doubt.”
“Everyone loves Doug.” Mason slouched. “He’s the golden boy who can do no wrong.”
“You don’t have to measure yourself against anyone or anything but the image of who you want to be in your own mind. Anything is possible.”
Easy for Jude to say. He didn’t have a constant barrage of questions and criticism at home:
When are you going to apply yourself? You’re just as smart as your brother, but you’re wasting your potential.
Do you really think hanging out with that group is going to get you anywhere in life? You need a friend like Jude, who has his head on straight.
Maybe if you stopped staying out all night, drinking and doing God knows what, you wouldn’t get into trouble.
“Of course I compared myself to my older brother. It’s natural. In my eyes, everything came easy to him. Grades, women, his career. I was little Mason who had to push harder.”
“And so you pushed everybody’s buttons to get seen.”
“Not everybody’s. I liked pushing yours the most.”
“Did you now?” Jude rested his arm on the back of the couch. “Why’s that?”
Mason finished his tequila, letting the burn of the liquid soak through him, easing the peculiar tension coiled inside.
“Because I saw it bothered you.” He set his glass on the table and rested his head on Jude’s arm. As he’d hoped, Jude’s fingers tangled in his hair, playing with the waves.
“And you liked bothering me?” A rumbling chuckle rolled through Jude, and Mason couldn’t help pressing his smiling lips into the strong cords of Jude’s neck. “You always were a little shit.”
“Let’s not call it ‘bothering you.’ You were always there with Doug, silent and judging me. It pissed me off. Especially…”
Jude stopped petting his hair. “Especially what?” He nudged Mason. “Tell me.”
Mason licked his lips, tasting tequila, and continued in a low voice, “Especially since I had a crush on you. I wanted to make you notice me.”
