“You have no idea how bad I want that.” Doug’s good-natured expression faded, and tears shone in his eyes. “It was a struggle, but having Ilana by my side to encourage me and cheer me on made all the difference. If I didn’t have her…I’m not sure I would’ve made it back. Or wanted to.” Doug shook his head.
Ilana wiped her eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away what was happening, but I couldn’t sit by his bedside and talk to him, with him having no memory, then call you and repeat the whole story again…I would’ve lost it.”
It wasn’t until they’d come home that Ilana told him and Mason the truth—that when Doug first regained consciousness he was so befuddled, he didn’t remember her or his parents, and she’d left the hospital in tears. The next day, sitting with him, waiting and hoping for his memory to return, left her drained and exhausted, but the following afternoon, to everyone’s relief, Doug greeted her with a smile and an “I love you.” And she’d confided to Jude that she’d never seen Doug cry until she told him about the miscarriage.
Like he’d done since childhood, Jude wished he could take away her pain and make it his own, but when she hugged him, he could feel her strength. She didn’t need him to fight her battles anymore; she was a warrior in her own right.
The twist in his heart at Doug’s words hit Jude hard. “Don’t ever say that—don’t even think it. Aside from the business side of everything, it’s not the same without you there. I can’t do it alone, and I don’t intend to.”
“Oh, don’t worry.” Doug flashed a grin so reminiscent of Mason, Jude couldn’t help smiling in return. “I’m going to be working hard with my physical therapist to make sure I’ll be in the office as soon as possible. I missed you too. Both of you. So damn much.” Serious now, Doug shook his head. “And in case I didn’t say it before or enough, I love you. I know we’ve joked about you and Mason getting together, but it’s nothing to make fun of. I’m so damn happy you found your way to each other. Don’t ever take love for granted, or life. It’s so damn precious. And short—too short to spend time worrying about what other people might think or say. Who gives a shit? Because when they go home, they’re not thinking about you. But we are. And you deserve it all.” Ilana’s hand crept into Doug’s as he added, “It’s no good to be alone, Jude.”
His throat too tight to answer, Jude nodded. He didn’t want to be alone, not anymore. He’d grown too accustomed to Mason’s light to sit in the dark alone. Loving Mason had shown him he didn’t have to choose between business and pleasure. With Mason he could have it all.
Doug yawned, and Ilana raised her brows and tipped her chin toward the door. It was her signal that it was time to leave.
Pink clouds streaked across the sky, heralding a beautiful late-summer evening, and he and Mason, who’d remained unusually silent, walked leisurely home through the Village. Couples crowded the streets, window-shopping, or looking at restaurant menus in the windows, or simply taking an early evening stroll in the warm, balmy air. Jude pictured himself and Mason during the winter months, sequestered inside a log cabin in the woods, in front of a raging fireplace.
“Maybe we should think about a weekend away. Just the two of us.”
All he got was a “maybe” in return, and he spent the rest of the walk home running through the afternoon’s events to figure out what happened to cause Mason to be so quiet.
“Are you okay?” he asked when they entered the apartment. “You’ve barely said a word since we left Doug and Ilana’s. Is something wrong?”
He’d thought Mason would brush it off, but instead he pulled out one of the barstools at the kitchen island and sat with athump.
“Yeah. There is, kind of.”
Jude set his keys in the bowl and leaned against the counter, wondering why his mouth turned to dust and his heart suddenly picked up speed.
“I knew it. Tell me.”
“Here you are, talking about going away together, and yet when Doug told you it’s not good to be alone, you couldn’t even answer him.”
“I would think the answer is obvious. We’ve been together all summer. I want to continue being with you.”
“Nothing in this relationship has ever been obvious. First you wanted to deny anything ever happened; then you said it couldn’t—wouldn’t—ever happen again. And when it did, I respected your wishes to keep it between us at the office because you were right.”
“Well, hallelujah for that. One point in my favor,” Jude muttered.
“This isn’t a game,” Mason lashed out, startling Jude with his vehemence and depth of pain. “At least I didn’t think so. I’m trying to tell you how I feel.”
Chastened, Jude rubbed his face. Sweat broke out over his body. “I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t mean to make you think I wasn’t taking us seriously.”
“I might not like your answer, but I need to know there’s going to be a point when you’ll feel comfortable enough with our relationship to say to other people, ‘I love him.’ Or, ‘Yeah, Mason and I are together.’ I deserve to be acknowledged as your lover because I’m so fucking proud to be with you. But if you can’t reciprocate in front of the people closest to us, then I have to wonder.”
“Wonder what?” Unable to maintain eye contact, Jude focused on his breathing.
“Whether you’re as committed to this relationship as I am. Is it that I don’t fit the mold of who people picture you with?”
“I don’t think people pictured me with anyone.” He’d intended that as a joke, but it didn’t have the desired effect, as Mason didn’t smile. Jude raked his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know what I can say. I love who you are, you know that.”
“Yeah, sure. You’re wonderful at telling me how you feel when we’re alone. You love showing me every night. Now you mention wanting to go away together. And while I love being alone with you, we can’t be alone forever. Are you really not comfortable even talking about our relationship with Doug and Ilana?”
His cheeks hot, Jude said, “I thought it would be better, but I’ve spent my whole life being so private, it’s going to take me a little more time. Can you wait?”
“Well…let me ask you a question. Do you really think you can change?”
The question surprised Jude. “Thinking about the place we started from, one of mistrust, miscommunication, and doubt, I think I already have.”
