“Oh, God. Fuck.”
The ache began at the soles of my feet and radiated up my thighs and spine. When Ezra cupped my balls and slid a finger up the crease of my ass, I couldn’t hold back anymore. I spurted hot and heavy into his mouth, and he took it all and licked me clean. Sated, I forced my eyes to stay open and watched Ezra rise to his feet in one limber movement. Feeling more at peace, I reached out to touch his cheek, but he held my hand away from his face and laced our fingers together. Frown lines deepened next to his mouth.
“Give me a moment to catch my breath, and then we need to talk.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Confusion replaced the hazy desire in Roe’s eyes. “Is something wrong? I know I was harsh on you earlier, and I’m sorry. It was the shock—”
“Don’t apologize. All our lives we’ve been manipulated, first by my parents to keep us apart, now by your grandmother to bring us together. It’s so fucked up.” I was nervous now that we were about to sit here face-to-face, with our secrets exposed. Nothing remained between us but the truth, something I hadn’t ever allowed myself to face, but for Roe and I to have a real future, he had to hear the truth.
I said, “My father called me today.”
“Ahh. I see.” Roe stroked my cheek. “And he repeated what your mother said?” He rested his warm palm on my face, and I leaned into him. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, and more. Let’s go sit, okay?” He followed me to the couch, and this time he sat next to me. “But he also said something else that made me think I wasn’t as innocent as I’d believed.” Revealing this truth was as painful as picking glass out of my skin. “I owe you an apology.” Roe’s lips parted, but I shook my head. “No. Please. Let me talk?”
“Go ahead.”
This was proving harder than I thought, but it sat heavy on my chest. “I’m sorry I didn’t fight as hard as I could’ve for you. In the beginning, I should’ve tried to call you more often, and I’ll never forgive myself for that. And when you didn’t write back, I should’ve called you over and over until I spoke to you, or written more, or done something to get to you directly. When my mother said you forgot about me, I shouldn’t have accepted it so easily and given up. I could plead that I was young and dumb and hurt. But my father asked me—Why would I accept someone else’s word without hearing it from the source? Why didn’t I ever try and contact you?”
Strip away the years, and I was still the same person at forty I was at seventeen: doubting myself and my place in people’s hearts.
“I suppose it’s easy to look back with the luxury of time and decide what the right thing was.”
I knew Roe was trying to let me off lightly and spare my feelings. But I didn’t want that. “I know you think I gave up on you, and I’m sorry. Knowing what my parents did to you has ripped my family apart. I’ll never trust them again. How can I? I’m calling into question everything they’ve ever said, how they feel about me as an agent, as their child…” I’d never bared myself with anyone this way, but this was Roe. The man who saw beneath my skin.
“In their minds, they believed they were protecting you.”
Incredulous, I could only stare at him. “Don’t tell me you’re justifying their behavior?”
His eyes twinkled. “I’m not that nice. Of course not.” He sobered. “It hurt so bad to think you’d tossed me aside and forgot me. Us. But life goes on, Ezra, and after a while, I picked myself up and moved forward. Still, I can’t lie. I do wonder why you never bothered to get in touch.”
Admitting this to Roe would be admitting to myself what I’d kept locked away all these years. But my chance was now or never. “Fear. Shame. And jealousy.”
“Jealousy? Of me?” His brows drew in sharply. “What on earth could you be jealous of me for? You have everything—money, a beautiful home, you’re gorgeous, and you’ve traveled everywhere and know everyone.”
“But you’re a doctor. I’m not smart like you. I may not’ve called you, but I followed your career. I was proud when you became a doctor, as proud as if I were your boyfriend and stood up beside you. And when you became a professor, I knew it was the highlight of your life.”
A smile touched his lips. “It was the culmination of my dream and my parents’. And my grandmother was over the moon.”
“And so was I. But with each award you received and paper published, I saw you slipping away from me. You became this unattainable dream I couldn’t hope to win.”
“Why would you think that?”
“Well, you know the saying—beauty fades, but brains last forever. What did I really have to offer you but sex? You go to these functions with all these professors and doctors and discuss important things. You once told me my life was petty and shallow and—”
“No, Ezra,” Roe cut in, his voice gruff. “I said that in the heat of anger. I was wrong.” His regret might be genuine, but I knew the truth.
“Please, Roe.” The words physically hurt to say, but I couldn’t hide any longer. “The fact is, you weren’t wrong. Yeah, I’ve helped some people along the way, but what I do every day isn’t meaningful or life-changing. All my life I’ve known I didn’t have much to offer beyond my physical appearance. I can close a deal because I know how to schmooze the client and tell them what they want to hear. You should be with someone like yourself. Someone who can help you in your professional life as well as your personal one.” I needed to leave so I could be sick alone.
Tension uncoiled from Roe’s shoulders, and he grabbed my hands, forcing me to gaze into his eyes. “Stop it. You can apologize for fucking up without denigrating yourself. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. You excel at people skills. I could never handle a crowd like you do. You’re charming and can converse about anything. You’re everyone’s friend and put people at ease with a smile. I’m not like that. Small talk makes me cringe. People love being with you, Ezra. You make everyone feel as if they’re the most important person in the world.”
Cautious optimism crept through me. “So what are you saying? That we complement each other?”
“Look at that. And you say you’re not smart.” Serious again, he nudged my face with his nose and rubbed our cheeks together, and a contented sigh escaped me. “We do complement each other, but there’s more. It’s time to stop letting the past dictate what we do now. It was important, but not as much as the present. I loved the seventeen-year-old Ezra with a passion I didn’t fully understand. The love I have for you now far exceeds those emotions.”
“You love me?” The question sprang to my lips before I could stop it, but I didn’t care if I sounded needy. I was. I needed him.
