“I know. But you’ve changed.”
“There’s more.” Harlan cast his gaze to the floor, then back up to me. “And it gets worse. I treated the people at the firm no better than servants, there to do whatever, whenever I asked. I talked down to them, cast dispersions on their fitness to work, and made racial and ethnic slurs in front of them. I also threatened to fire them with no reference if they made any claims.”
A sinking feeling hit me in the chest. “Why would you do that? How could you hurt people like that?”
“I don’t know,” he whispered. “I told you I was a terrible person.”
Maybe he was. But I couldn’t reconcile that Harlan with the man I’d come to know.
“Is there more?” That alone was enough, and I was afraid to hear the rest.
“Yeah. The final straw came when a lawyer threatened to bring a sexual-harassment lawsuit against me. He said I harassed him about his religion and sexuality. And”—his voice dropped to a whisper—“that I kissed him against his will in the office and threatened his job if he told anyone.”
“Did you do that?” I forced the words out, even though I knew the answer.
Hugging his knees to his chest, Harlan couldn’t face me. “Yeah. Oren, that’s his name, was a lawyer in my group. I was attracted to him but couldn’t let him know. I couldn’t allow myself to feel what I did. Seeing him every day, knowing how much I wanted him but couldn’t ever act on it, sent me spiraling out of control. I started drinking more heavily and using coke more frequently. In some sick, twisted way I thought it would bring us closer if I made him do my work.”
“Why? How would that happen?” It didn’t make sense to me.
“I don’t even remember anymore. When I discovered he was in a relationship, it devastated me.” His face contorted, and I knew he relived it in his head. “I struck out, and got so drunk and high, I came into the office and kissed him, then threatened to get him fired if he told anyone.”
“I can’t believe you did that.”
“I told you. I was a terrible, miserable person. You would’ve hated me on sight.”
The scariest thing was that Harlan was most likely right. “So how did you get from there to here?”
“After Oren left, I sent him an email stating he better not tell anyone or else…classic stupidity to put it in writing, and in the end it was my death knell from the firm. My only excuse, when my father called me in to tell me I’d been fired, was that I was drunk. He looked at me in disgust and called me a stupid fool. They not only fired me, they stripped my name from the will, locked me out of my apartment, and since my money was tied up in some convoluted trust, I had very little cash in my name. I lived off the money I did have until it ran out and I ended up in shelters or on the street.”
He flopped onto his back and stared at the ceiling. Not even the loud fight between a woman and her boyfriend right outside my window on the street could distract me. I hurt for Harlan but felt sorry for the people he’d caused such pain.
“What happened with the guy?” I asked. “Did he end up pressing charges?”
“Of course. Wouldn’t you? Even as I was doing it, I knew it would blow my whole world apart, but I couldn’t stop myself. I was on a deliberate path of self-destruction, and that poor man was in my crosshairs.”
“He reported you then, even though you threatened him.”
“Yeah. You can push and push, and then the person you thought would always bend to your will snaps, and it all explodes in your face. That was the catalyst…the final straw for my family. You could do anything but cost them money or cause them shame, and I committed the cardinal sin of doing both.” A deep sigh escaped him. “It took them less than a week to erase me from the firm and probably their minds.”
“But you didn’t havta go to jail or nothin’, right?”
Harlan waited a moment before answering. “No. The firm paid him and the others a large settlement. I don’t even know how much, but I know the lawyer. I’m sure they made out well.”
“As they should. You were a bully.” It came out harsher than I intended, and Harlan rolled over and sat up.
“I agree. The hardest thing in rehab was admitting that I was a coward. Most bullies are. We’re so busy being afraid other people will find out our ugly truths that we hide behind the little power we have to torment people. I was so afraid for the world to find out I was bisexual, I picked on an innocent victim and made him feel guilty and miserable for being who he was.” He picked up his knapsack as if he was readying himself to leave. “I always knew telling you the truth most likely would damage our friendship. I tried all along to tell you, you don’t need someone like me.”
As if he hadn’t spoken, I continued. “But if you can change and grow and learn from mistakes, who am I to hold you hostage to the past?”
Harlan’s jaw dropped.
I got up from my chair to sit next to him and tipped up his chin with my finger. “Close your mouth. I got a better use for it.”
I kissed his soft lips, and he dropped the knapsack and slid his arms around my neck. Visions of a naked Harlan rolling around in my bed filled my head, and we continued to kiss until I heard the ringing of my phone. “Hold on,” I told him between kisses. “I’ll tell them to go to hell.”
I scrambled for the phone, ready to bite the head off whoever was on the other side, but seeing “Mom” on the screen, my heart jumped and sweat broke out over my body.
“Mama?” I gripped the phone in my sweaty hand. “What’s wrong?”
