“No? What did you do? Tell me how you felt.”
“I mean, yeah, I was angry. Angry as hell. I did a good job, and he gets rid of me because I’m gay? That’s when I knew he was the stupid one. I felt sorry for him, that he’s such a bigot. And when he started talking all that garbage about me not bein’ a real man and stuff, all I wanted to do was call Frankie and be with him.”
“That’s wonderful, Aaron. Look how far you’ve come. I’m very proud of your success, and you should be as well.”
I took Frankie’s hand. “I owe everything I am right now to Frankie. If he didn’t give me the chance to change, I don’t know where I’d be.” Yeah, I did. Probably back in prison, ready to kill myself.
“Don’t say that. You did this. You.” He squeezed my hand tight. “Yeah, I helped, but you gotta want it bad enough.”
Dr. Morrell put a hand on my shoulder. “Why don’t you look at Frankie and tell him how you feel?”
I shifted my chair to face him and took both his hands in mine. “I wanted you. Every day we were apart reminded me how much I missed you. Now that we’re together, you help me discover myself.”
“I do?” His lips curved up into a smile. “I’m glad.”
Dr. Morrell watched us.
My focus remained on Frankie and what I’d waited months to say. “I needed to change. To get rid of the old me. It was a bad skin to be in. Becoming more of that person you wanted and needed me to be meant being less of myself, but that was good because I wasn’t a good person.”
Frankie’s knee brushed mine. “But look how you’ve grown. That means it was always there inside you, waiting.”
“Frankie,” Dr. Morrell interjected, “why don’t you tell Aaron howyoufeel now?”
Gazing into my eyes, Frankie smiled, and a rush of memories swept through me. Three years together hadn’t dimmed his sparkle, though the years had brought a maturity to his sweetness. It was what had drawn me to him from the start.
Almost shyly, Frankie began. “I wasn’t sure what you saw in me when we first met. You weren’t my type.”
“Yeah. You never went for the muscled guys. You thought we were all jerks.”
His eyes twinkled. “But you were different—so happy to be with me. Like you thought I was something special. You treated me so good, and we had so much fun. That’s why when you changed, I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I wanted my Aaron back. The man who won me teddy bears at those stupid boardwalk games, even though you knew they were a scam. The guy who hated Sicilian pizza but went to Spumoni Gardens with me anyway because I liked it and you wanted to please me.”
Fuck, this hurt. Like getting stabbed again, only this time in my heart. But Frankie deserved to know. “It got to be too much. I got scared. Like, I knew you had everything and I had nothing, so why would you want me? Hurting you, I could pretend I didn’t care. Drinking and getting into fights was my comfort zone.”
“It was safe for you, right, Aaron?”
I gave the doctor a grateful smile. “Yeah. And Frankie took it, so I kept on doin’ it, not thinkin’ what it was doin’ to him or our relationship. I said terrible things to him, accusing him of all kinds of things.” I faced Frankie again. “I’m sorry. I never meant what I said to you that night. I know you never cheated on me.”
“Why’d you say it, then? You knew how it hurt me.” Hesitating a moment, he asked in a low voice. “Did you cheat on me and want to make yourself feel better?”
My answer came swiftly. “No, never. I never cheated on you. I saw you going to school and making friends, and I was sinking lower and lower. I’d lost my job.…I was jealous of you.” I stopped to catch my breath and wait for the light-headedness to pass.
“I needed to hear you say it.”
Dr. Morrell’s gaze swung to Frankie, then back to me. “I think it’s good for you to talk about past hurts and not hide from them. I know you’ve discussed bits and pieces of that night and your emotions, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen you two be as open and honest as I have this evening.”
“Before now, I don’t think I could’ve.”
“So tell me, Aaron. What’s changed?”
“Not what,who. Me. I learned that I can handle failing. That it’s normal and ain’t gonna kill me. And that if Frankie and I argue, I’m not gonna insult him and say things to hurt him. I trust Frankie with everything.” I took a deep breath and exhaled. “I finally got up the nerve to tell him what happened to me in prison.”
“You did?” Dr. Morrell leaned forward in her chair. “I wondered when you would. How did that go?”
“It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I felt sick to my stomach.” Frankie’s hand crept into mine at my admission. “I don’t know if that feeling will ever completely go away. Even now that we’ve been together again…like in bed, it still sits in the back of my mind.” I bit my lip and searched her face for the answers I knew she didn’t have.
“That’s natural and understandable. You suffered a trauma, and it’ll take time to heal. Only you will know when that is.” She turned her attention to Frankie. “How did you feel when Aaron told you what had happened to him?”
“Like I understood what could drive someone to kill another person.”
