I shifted so I faced him as well. No more hiding. “In prison…I made it sound easier for me than it was. I lied.”
“Oh, honey, I know.”
“No, you think you do, ’cause of the TV shows, but you really can’t unless you’re there. The smells…the noise…it’s inescapable. Sometimes I lie awake here thinking you’re the dream, and I’m gonna wake up back in that cell.”
“But now we’re together, and it ain’t gonna happen.”
“Today, when Lennie said…I wasn’t a real man, all I wanted to do was pound his face into the ground. I had visions of hitting him, and it scared me ’cause I thought I was better, but I guess I’m not. I’m sorry.”
Frankie said nothing, probably too shocked at my admission.
“So I’m gonna call Dr. Morrell’s office and ask if I can see her more often. I think I need it.”
“And you think you’re not better? The old Aaron wouldn’t be like this. The old Aaronwould’vehit Lennie and probablywould’vebeen arrested. Don’t you see how far you’ve come?”
“Maybe. But that ain’t all.”
“Oh?”
Goddamn it, Frankie. Why’d you have to make me fall in love with you so I care?
My scar throbbed, and I rubbed it. Frankie watched me with hooded eyes.
“I know you been asking about my scar. I seen you stare at it. So I’m gonna tell you.”
Frankie sat up and hugged his knees to his chest. “Only if you’re ready.”
Who could ever be ready to tell a story like this?
“I’d been inside about a month. Guys would brush up against me in the bathroom or showers, but I’d ignore them. Sex was all around us. I mean, it didn’t surprise me. You lock a bunch of guys up, they’re gonna have sex. Every night I’d hear them. But I didn’t want it, I swear.”
“I know, baby.”
“One guy in particular, Armando, he was always grabbing my ass or dick in the shower. I’d push him off, and he’d laugh at me. Told me it didn’t matter. I’d be his bitch sooner rather than later.”
It hurt to breathe. Like it had that night.
“He paid off my cellmate somehow to trade places with him. I tried to fight him off, but he held me facedown in my bed. Thank God he used a condom. Later on he said it was so I couldn’t prove nothin’.”
That rough, dirty taste of the blanket on my prison cot filled my mouth again, and I wanted to vomit. “I got in a few good punches, but it didn’t matter. He…he…” I shook my head.
“Raped you.”
I’d never said it out loud before. Even when I told Dr. Morrell in my therapy sessions without Frankie present, I didn’t use the word. And still couldn’t. I nodded, and Frankie touched my cheek. “Can I hold you? Would that be okay?”
“It would be the best.”
People looking at Frankie would think him the weaker person in our relationship. But I knew different. He was the strong one. My strength. I leaned into his arms, my heart beating along with his.
“How did you get the scar?”
“The next morning in the shower, he and his guys came up to me and told me I’d better not say a word. And they left me that calling card.” I pointed to my side. “To make sure I never forgot.”
“They could’ve killed you. Why didn’t you complain? The guards would’ve helped you.” Frankie traced the slightly thickened edges of my skin, then lay flush against me, his long, sculpted body molding itself to mine. “I can’t believe you kept it to yourself.” His words came out muffled against my neck.
“Are you crazy? First thing you learn is not ratting out. I knew if I kept quiet, I’d be safer.”
“But didn’t he keep coming back?”
