“I learned a long time ago when I modeled—nothing is as it seems. Especially what you keep calling perfection. What you think is truth is often an illusion: a trick of light or clever photography.”
Blake let Noah’s words sink in. “My sister said something similar. That nothing and no one is perfect.”
“She’s correct.”
“But Jeremy deserves better.”
“Shouldn’t Jeremy be the judge of who and what he deserves?”
From the very first, Blake had liked Noah. His quiet ways and gentle smile lent him an air of trustworthiness.
“Can I tell you something?”
“Of course you can.”
“And you won’t tell Jeremy?”
A sigh escaped Noah, but Blake pressed on. “You can’t. Please. I have to talk to someone, and I don’t know anyone else I can say this to.”
“Blake…”
“Please, Noah. It’s killing me. I don’t have anyone else to talk to.” He swallowed hard, his pride and resistance gone. “Please,” he whispered.
“Okay, of course. I promise it will remain between us.”
He closed his eyes as if he couldn’t bear to see the emptiness surrounding him. And as he started to speak, the words burst from him so fast, he couldn’t stop. “I got fired from my job, and I was so ashamed, I didn’t tell Jeremy. Here all Jeremy did was brag to everyone about this great job I had and what a superstar I was. Instead I was a loser. Exactly what my father predicted. So every morning I’d pretend to go to work until I found a tax-preparing job on Long Island.”
“You never told him you were fired?”
“No.” He gulped, and a fresh wave of anxiety hit him. “And then, and then…”
He swallowed hard, needing to catch his breath. He’d thought he’d reached the height of humiliation in middle school when the guys teased him in gym and pulled his pants and underwear down as he climbed the rope. But this was much, much worse. This was his life…his heart.
“Take your time. I’m here and I’m listening.” Noah’s soothing voice gave him strength.
“I couldn’t, you know, get it up when we’d go to bed,” he whispered. “The first time, I thought it was a fluke, but it kept happening. I tried to hide it, but it wasn’t fair to him. Between losing my job and getting caught up in all these lies and then that? I knew it was too late to confess everything. He told me never to lie to him, and I broke my promise.”
“So you pushed him away.”
“I couldn’t bear it. All I’d see were my lies upon lies, piling up like bricks of a wall until Jeremy disappeared behind them. All that remained were my stupid, stupid lies. What else could I do?”
The illuminated clock on his cable box changed from 11:04 to 11:05, and Blake sat still, anxiously awaiting Noah’s response.
“Talk to him. He’s your lover. You’re supposed to share things, good and bad.”
“You can’t imagine how humiliating it all was. First my job, then that…” The memory of it remained as fresh as if it happened yesterday. “It was another failure. My failure. Again. But this time it was Jeremy I failed. He wasn’t to blame. It was all me.”
“Okay. This is me speaking as Noah the doctor. You do realize the incredible stress you put yourself under by not revealing you were fired might be the cause of your impotence?”
Wincing at Noah’s frank talk, Blake bit his lip. “Maybe. But I’d fucked up before that by lying about getting fired.”
“It’s all part of the same problem. You have to look deep inside and ask why you felt you had to lie to him. Why you didn’t trust him enough to tell the truth.”
There was nothing he could say. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Jeremy to tell him the truth. He didn’t trust himself to be worth staying for.
“Let me ask you,” Noah said, still in his calm and measured voice. His “radio” voice, as Jeremy used to say when they’d listen to him. “Do you think you’re ready to talk to Jeremy again and tell him the truth?”
“I think so. Now. I didn’t before.” Speaking to Noah brought back those dinners at Nora’s where Blake had never felt more at home. The feeling of security and belonging.
