“I knew I loved you.” With a wink Sam left the bathroom, and Zach heard him rummaging in the drawers for his clothing.
It took him no time to shower; he decided to skip shaving this morning and joined Sam in the bedroom in less than ten minutes. Sam had finished dressing and was sitting on the bed, sipping the last of his coffee.
“How do you feel?” The minute the words left his mouth he regretted it, watching the irritation rise in Sam’s face.
“Stop it.” Sam spat out the words in annoyance. “I said I was fine before.”
“Uh, I found you in pain up against the wall not ten minutes ago. Plus you were restless last night in bed. I think I’m entitled to ask how you’re feeling more than once.”
With no response forthcoming, Zach got dressed and left the bedroom, leaving Sam to stare into his empty coffee cup. He slammed around the kitchen and made himself breakfast. Normally he’d make something for Sam as well, but if he was going to act like an ass, he could get his own damn breakfast.
“I’m sorry.” Sam stood in the doorway. “I was acting like a miserable fuck and taking it out on you.”
“Yeah you were. Part of living with someone is caring about how they feel. I’m not smothering you when I ask; I’m doing it out of concern.”
“I get it now, and you’re right, of course,” said Sam. “I guess I’m still a little nervous about speaking to Rob today.” He pointed to the bagel on the cutting board. “Is there one for me?”
Without hesitation, Zach handed it to him. “Here. You’re doing it today?” He took another bagel from the bag and sliced it, then put it in the toaster. “I didn’t realize you had it all planned.” Unease rose in Zach’s gut. Why all of a sudden did it feel like Sam had this whole separate life apart from him? Shouldn’t that be something they’d discuss together? He took his toasted bagel and sat down at the table.
Feeling silly, he shook off his misgivings. Just because they were getting married didn’t mean he and Sam were the same person. He’d learned that in his therapy sessions, and it had given him a better insight into his relationship with his mother as well. He’d spent so much of his life not knowing who he was, trying first to be who other people wanted him to be, and then almost giving up; he now had the means and opportunity to figure out who and what he wanted from life. The most important thing was that he and Sam loved and trusted each other.
“Well, I’m going to call him this morning and hope he’ll make time to see me. If he says yes, I’ll probably be late getting home.” Sam chewed his bagel and poured another cup of coffee. “If he doesn’t want to see me, at least I know I tried.”
“That’s the best you can hope for. And if nothing else, you have to forgive yourself. Can you do that?” Zach had no idea the shooting still weighed so heavily on Sam’s mind, but it made sense. Believing you almost caused the death of your fellow police officer wasn’t something a person easily recovered from.
“I need to hear it from Rob; I fucked up so badly… Even though he has every right not to want to talk to me again, I’m hoping he will.”
Half the battle is learning to forgive yourself for things you can’t change and understanding that moving on isn’t giving up: it’s making a conscious effort to live the change you need to make in your own life. It had taken him years before he could work through the abuse he’d suffered from Nathan; Zach could never forgive him, but he learned to forgive himself for allowing it to happen and knew he’d never give the power to anyone to take advantage of him like that again. Besides, Sam was the antithesis of Nathan—kind, caring, and loving. Zach couldn’t imagine his life without Sam by his side.
“If he does, I’ll be happy for you. If not, like I said, you’ll learn to deal with it and move on, right?”
Sam swallowed down the last of his bagel, then leaned over to kiss Zach on the top of his head. “Yeah. With all the changes in the past year and the wedding coming up, I’m trying to start off with as clean a slate as possible. Rob deserves it.”
“So do you, Sam. Call him as soon as you can.”
“I will. You’re volunteering today, right?”
“Yeah.” Zach rinsed his cup and plate. “Not at the children’s ward though. I went there last week and brought Lillie with a whole bunch of toys to donate. She had a lot of fun and loved the kids.”
“She keeps Marcus on his toes for certain. I’ll talk to you later and let you know what’s going on.”
“Good. After the center I figured I’d grab lunch with the guys if they’re free or stop by my mom’s.”
“Sounds good.”
They kissed goodbye, and Sam slipped his jacket on and headed out the door, his thermos filled with hot coffee for the ride into the city. Unbeknownst to Sam, Zach watched him walk away, down the block to the train. Maybe it had to do with his father leaving one day and never coming home, but it was a ritual he’d adopted once they’d moved in together—he needed that one last look at Sam before he left his sight for the day.
Zach was about to drop the blinds when he saw Sam take something out of his pocket, look at it, then shove it back inside. It occurred so quickly, and Sam was too far down the block for Zach to get a good look at what was in his hand. The phone rang, and he forgot about it when he saw his mother’s number flash on the screen.
“Hey, Mom, how are you? How was the play and dinner?”
“So much fun. And Matt has an in with the stagehands’ union, so we got to go backstage and meet some of the actors and take pictures. I can’t wait to show you.”
“I’m glad. Sounds like a great time.” Begrudgingly, Zach admitted that Matt treated his mother perfectly and seemed too good to be true, which was why he had his doubts. Not that his mother wasn’t worth it, but something made him uneasy.
“It was. We’re going to have dinner tonight, and he told me to invite you and Sam. Matt wants to get to know both of you better, isn’t that nice?”
His mother desperately wanted them to get along, and Zach remembered Sam’s words from earlier, to give Matt a chance with his mother.
