“Yeah?” Delight lit up Rico’s somber face. “I’d like that too.” He glanced around. “Where are we? You didn’t come this way last time.”
Adam swallowed hard. “Yeah. I haven’t been here in over ten years. But it’s time.”
The breeze blew softly, bringing with it a hint of warm grass and cow. All familiar smells embedded in his skin. The scent of his childhood and his life.
“What’s wrong?” Rico studied him. “You don’t look too good.”
“I need to do this, and now that we’re together, I think I finally have the courage. Plus I’ve been keeping something from you, and you have a right to know.”
Looking totally confused, Rico nevertheless took his hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. “Sounds ominous.”
Sweat broke out between his shoulders, and he drew in deep breaths. “I’ll explain in a few. Let’s go.” With his free hand, he pointed to the small wooden building that stood to the side of the pasture next to a bigger, well-kept barn. A palpable air of neglect hung over the building, giving it the desolate appearance found in an Alfred Hitchcock movie.
“It’s over there.”
Rico’s brows shot up. “Last time you didn’t want to go anywhere near there.”
“Last time I didn’t have you.”
They walked in silence until they reached the front of the barn, where a large padlock hung on the door. Adam dug the key out from his jeans pocket, and though his hands shook, he managed to unlock it after only slipping twice. The door opened on groaning hinges, and Adam feared for a moment it might crack right off, but it held.
Nerves popping, he entered the barn, his eyes adjusting to the dim lighting half-heartedly filtering in through the murky windows. Dust mites danced in the air, and the musty smell choked him a bit. That was only partially the reason for the tears in his eyes. Rico said nothing but stood silently by his side, waiting.
“His name was Wayne. We were young then, only in high school.” His voice sounded odd, breathy and choked at the same time. He barely felt Rico’s hand on his back, massaging him.
“We knew we were different than the others even back then; Wayne was always getting picked on because he wasn’t interested in sports and drinking like everyone else. He wanted to be a dancer; go to Broadway even, one day. We’d sit and talk about it. I couldn’t help but fall in love with him. He was so pure and innocent and beautiful.”
“What happened?” Rico never stopped the slow, circular movements on his back.
How to explain without falling apart? “He was the first boy I ever kissed. The first one I made love to. Neither of us knew quite what to do, but in between the fear and the pain there was laughter and love.” He drew in a deep breath. “So much love.”
Leaving Rico’s side, he walked over to the center of the barn. Rico refused to leave him and walked a few paces behind. Adam lifted his gaze to the ceiling, feeling the wetness on his cheeks.
“He was so happy; instead of going to work on his father’s farm, Wayne applied to a dance academy in Dallas, and they accepted him. He was going places, on his way to making his dreams come true. We went back and forth on whether to tell his father. I thought maybe since he had already been accepted and it would be far away, in Dallas, where no one would know him, it would be okay.”
“I’m guessing it wasn’t.”
“He never had the chance. His father followed him here one day and spied on us through the window. Wayne got a beating when he came home that night along with a lecture on what it meant to be a man. And what would happen to him if he ever saw me again. We started texting and meeting in private, after dark. But his brother found us and told his father. Wayne managed to let me know he was being sent to a conversion camp, one of the worst.” He wiped at his streaming eyes. “They use electric shock as part of their treatment.”
“That’s horrible. So what happened?” Rico slid his arms around him, and Adam leaned into his warm strength.
Adam whispered, “They found him the next morning.”
“He tried to run away?”
Blinking furiously, Adam shook his head. “He killed himself. Here. He took a rope and—”
Before he could break down completely, Rico grabbed him and held him tight against his chest. “Damn, damn, damn. Fuck, I’m so sorry.”
“I’ll never forget it…the sight of him.” His tears wet Rico’s shirt. “I turned around and ran. I felt like such a coward, but I couldn’t see him like that. I wanted to remember him laughing and beautiful and free. After they…they took him away, my parents locked up the barn, and it hasn’t been used since. Our families used to be somewhat friendly, but the Jenkinses blamed me for what happened to Wayne. Said I seduced him and made him a pervert. It was one of the reasons I knew I had to leave.”
“So those were the people we met last time when we went out riding?”
“Yeah.” Slightly embarrassed at his emotional outburst, Adam pulled away, but Rico held him fast.
“Don’t. Don’t think you have to hide from me. Or pretend it was something less than it was. You loved him; it doesn’t take away from what we have now. Every part of your yesterday makes you the person I love today.”
Their foreheads pressed together, and Adam held on to Rico. If he let go, he might fall to the ground. Rico gave him strength now. He didn’t have to carry his burdens alone. In this barn where he’d lost his innocence and first love, Rico gave him back his life.
