“I am too. I was so angry after he died I went crazy, running after all those men, looking for a replacement. I was overwhelmed thinking no one would ever love me again.”
If they were going to be adults and be totally honest with each other, he wasn’t about to sugarcoat it.
“It was as if I lost both of you. Dad was dead, and you were too busy with other men.” He shook his head, trying to frame together his patchwork thoughts. “The only times I saw you were when you came home to change for another dinner date. It wasn’t until I met Henry that I found someone to talk to.”
They’d never been this honest before; but then, they’d never talked. He fed off his resentment and lived in angry silence, while she led an equally lonely life surrounded by strangers and men who could never give her back the love she’d lost. He waited in silence for her to speak.
“We can’t erase the past. What’s done is done. That was my mother’s favorite saying, and it’s true. If I come away with nothing else this weekend, at least let me know you’ll think about forgiving me.”
Sam didn’t need to see Zach’s face to know what he was thinking; he could hear the sniffles to his left. The choices were clear. Sam could hold on to his resentment, struggle through this stilted visit, and send his mother back to Florida, continuing the way they had been all these years. In doing so, it became clear that neither one of them ended up a winner. Or, he could swallow his bitterness and look at the situation through his mother’s eyes and try to understand.
“I’ve spent most of my life angry; angry over my father dying when I was so young, and angry at you…”
“Sam.”
No one, not even Zach, would stop him from finally saying his piece. He needed it, didn’t anyone understand?
“I know what I’m doing.”
“Let him talk, Zach.” His mother’s gaze held his. “I have a feeling he’s been waiting all his life to say what he has to say.”
“I was angry at you for checking out on me when Dad died, I hated you even. Then, when I grew up and you moved away, it seemed like the inevitable relationship anyway; you had your life and I had mine, and once a year we could stand each other enough for a short visit.”
“Mrs. Stein, it doesn’t have to be that way.” Zach broke into the conversation. Sam almost smiled to himself that Zach had managed to hold back from speaking this long.
“I think my son made it pretty clear how he feels. I do appreciate what you tried to do.” She gave Zach a wan smile.
“And yesterday, I fully intended it to stay that way,” he said, surprising them both from their shocked expressions. Shit; he surprised himself with that one. But it was true. “I never expected it to change, but thanks to Zach it has. I think it’s gone on long enough. We’ve beaten ourselves up over a past that can’t be changed. But I’ve been through enough bullshit in my life, and I’m ready to move on. I’ve been taught recently I need to look to the future.”
Zach’s shining eyes and sweet smile of approval gave him the courage to continue.
“So if you can forgive me for being a less-than-perfect son, I can forgive you for what happened in the past.” He hesitated a moment. “I think Dad would’ve wanted it that way, don’t you?”
At his mother’s nod, he went to her and finally gave and received the hugs that had been missing from his childhood. It might never be perfect, but it was good enough for him, and by the smile on his mother’s face, it seemed to work its magic on her as well.
“That was beautiful.” Zach threw his arms around Sam and hugged him. Then, as if he realized what he was doing, he swiped his arm across his face to dry his tears and let Sam go. “Sorry.”
Sam kissed his cheek. “Don’t ever be sorry for being yourself. I don’t think my mother minds. After all, this only happened with your help.”
“No. It’s because you finally let love into your heart, instead of pushing it away.”
Sam kissed Zach again and held him close. If it had to do with love, it was all because of Zach.
Chapter Twenty-Three
“Areyouguys nervous?”
Zach couldn’t believe tomorrow was Julian and Nick’s wedding day. The past month had been a whirlwind of plans, tuxedo shopping, and menu planning, and he, Marcus, and Julian hardly had a chance to text and say hello, never mind meet for their weekly breakfast.
So when Marcus texted him early this morning with the surprising news that Julian and Nick wanted to meet for breakfast, he almost bounced off the bed with excitement. Of course that woke Sam up and Zach needed to soothe the grouchy beast, which necessitated some intensely hot sex.
Zach couldn’t help but be amazed; to look at Sam now—unperturbed at the hubbub around them in the restaurant and sipping his drink—it was hard to imagine only several hours earlier he’d been face down on the bed, shaking and calling out Zach’s name.
As if sensing Zach’s eyes on him, Sam glanced over, and they shared a smile. He slid his palm down Zach’s jean-clad thigh, resting it above the knee and it reminded Zach of how only last year he’d sat right here with his friends, depressed and alone, thinking how he’d never find someone to love.
Now, he not only had someone he loved who loved him back, but they were contemplating a future together.
Julian’s fingers beat a rapid tattoo on the tabletop. “I am, but he isn’t,” he replied, indicating Nick with a tilt of his head. “He’s so mellow about all this I hope he doesn’t forget.”
