“I know we were supposed to go back to your house now, but I can’t. After I meet the guys for breakfast I always go back and talk to her.” His cheeks were on fire, not only from the sun but from embarrassment. Zach ducked his head, observing hoards of little ants swarming around the sticky remnants of a discarded popsicle stick at his feet.
At twenty-nine he should be more independent, but his mother relied on him; how could he make someone like Sam, so strong and independent, understand his obligation, when he barely understood it himself, and resented it as well? Shame pricked Zach’s conscience at his ungrateful thoughts.
“She looks forward to it. She loves hearing all their gossip.” He shrugged, focusing everywhere but on Sam’s face. He didn’t want to see Sam’s disappointment.
The shadowed patterns of the leaves played against the concrete of the playground, while the ice cream truck’s jingle repeated over and over until Zach thought he’d go out of his mind. Any minute now he’d stand up and thank Sam for coming and say good-bye.
“You’re awfully far away. Can you come sit next to me?”
Without hesitation, Zach moved closer to Sam on the bench. Zach’s body, strangely attuned to Sam’s now, fit easily into that comforting space against the hard length of Sam’s hip and thigh. Sam took his hand and laced their fingers together, resting their entwined hands on Zach’s thigh. After so many years of being on the outside looking in on relationships, Zach was in the deep end of the pool, treading water. He didn’t know whether to learn to swim and maybe sink trying, or race for the security of the edge and hold on to the familiar.
“There’s no need for you to feel embarrassed to tell me you want to go back and see your mother.” Sam’s fingers brushed above Zach’s knee, sending tingles of excitement through him. “I’ll tell you what I’d like, though.”
“What?”
“I’d like to come with you. Would that be okay?”
All the countless times Zach had walked home from breakfast and passed couples in this park or walking hand-in-hand down the street, he imagined their conversations, the dinner plans and other mundane slices of life that made up their day, and longed to be them, to be a part of the one-plus-one equation.
To be whole, not a half.
Sam wanted to meet his mother; Zach couldn’t wrap his head around that announcement. “Yeah, it’s okay.” Not trusting himself to look at Sam, he stared out at the children running around the playground.
“You sound a little hesitant. Does your mother know you’re gay?”
Funny how they’d been so intimate with each other, yet never thought to discuss their families or any personal details of their lives. At once, all the bubbling joy burst and drained from his body.
“No. I’ve known who I am since I was a kid, but never talked to my parents about it. Once my father died, I figured my mother had enough to handle without me springing that on her.”
That brought a frown to Sam’s face. “Do you really think she’d be upset? She may surprise you and be stronger than you give her credit.”
Perhaps Sam was right. He’d held back about his sexuality for so long; because over the years she made so many subtle hints about him dating and getting married, he assumed she wouldn’t be happy if he came out. But maybe Sam was correct and she’d treat it as the perfectly normal occurrence it was.
“I’m not sure. I never wanted to bring it up to keep her from getting upset.”
It was peaceful there at the park, Zach decided. The annoying ice cream truck song now sounded like a joyful tune remembered from childhood. They sat for a moment, still holding hands, watching the little children at play. One beautiful girl in a pink bathing suit came over to them. Her brown skin glistened from running through the sprinklers, and her green eyes were round with curiosity.
“Are you married?” Her curly hair was bound in two fuzzy braids on either side of her head.
Zach glanced up at Sam, whose lips twitched in amusement, before giving the child an easy smile. “No, we’re friends.”
“My mommy says boys can marry boys now, and I can marry a girl if I wanna.”
“That’s true.”
“People look at her and my daddy funny, and it makes me mad.” A man’s voice called out, and she glanced over her shoulder and squealed. “Oh, there’s my daddy. Byeee.” She took off across the playground, her chubby little legs pumping.
Zach watched her fling her arms around a large blond man whose tattoos covered his arms and legs. Standing next to him was a willowy black woman, her long, wavy hair gathered in a ponytail down her back.
Sam stroked his cheek with a light touch. “She’s a real cutie.”
Zach had always wanted a child—boy or girl it didn’t matter. He wanted to adopt, hoping to give a better life to someone who might need him as much as he himself needed someone to love.
“Yeah, she is.”
“Should we go to your house now so I can meet your mom?” Sam’s hand cupped his jaw, forcing Zach to look into his warm, hazel eyes. “I bet she’ll surprise you and be happy to meet me.”
“I’m honestly not sure. She and I are very close, and though she says she wants me to have a life, she’s fearful of change and clings. I should’ve tried to break away years ago, but as you might have guessed, I don’t like conflict, so it was easier to let it ride.”
