This was Zach’s second year attending this particular conference which had become something of a big deal in the industry. The crowd was bigger, and with more well-established companies attending not only as presenters but as sponsors, he’d had to devote more time to the events than he’d expected. In past years, attending events like these, Zach had tried to make himself as invisible as possible, and after any awards ceremony, he’d sneaked out to hide in his hotel room, except for meals.
Tonight was different. His blood quickened at the thought of spending more time with Sam; for the first time in forever he wanted a man to touch him. To hold him close. The tenderness Sam had shown him last night could almost erase the humiliation he’d endured during the time he and Nathan had spent together. In fact, Zach had surprised himself with the eagerness of his response.
They’d agreed to meet at the hotel bar in the lobby half an hour after the ceremony ended. That would give Zach enough time to get out of the stifling constraints of his tuxedo and into something more casual for beach walking. That thought and whatever else might occur afterward spurred Zach on to press a few more hands, wish the winner a smiling congratulations, and head back to his room.
It was only after he’d stripped out of his clothes that Zach thought to check his cell phone messages. The happy anticipation over the night ahead with Sam drained from his body at the sound of his mother’s nervous and tearful voice.
“I’m so sorry to bother you, Zach. I know it’s your big night, but I had no one else; all the boys went away for the weekend, and I’m so alone. I think someone tried to break in, but I’m not sure; I heard breaking glass and strange sounds. I know I’ll never get to sleep tonight; my heart is beating so fast.”
The phone beeped off, and Zach was left not knowing whether to laugh or cry. He knew it was too good to be true that the evening he had planned and hoped for would go off without a hitch. But he couldn’t get angry at his mom; she was all alone, and he was all she had. He’d shouldered that responsibility from the day his father died, promising himself never to let her down and always take care of her.
With a heaviness stemming from the knowledge his night was about to go up in flames, Zach called home.
“Hi, Mom. What’s the matter?”
“Oh, you shouldn’t have called. I’m fine really; my heart settled down. I saw someone in the backyard, but when I turned on the porch light, they ran away. I looked around to see if there was a broken window, but I couldn’t find one.” Her laughter belied her shaky voice. “When are you coming home, in the morning?”
Zach looked at his watch, making a swift calculation. If he left now, he could be home hopefully by midnight. “Nah, I was thinking of coming home tonight.”
“I ruined your evening, didn’t I? I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry.”
“No, no,” he soothed, not wanting her to disintegrate into tears. “It’s boring here, and there’s nothing to do. The dinner is over, so I can be home before you even realize I was gone.”
“Oh, sweetheart, I always know when you aren’t around. I know I’m a burden to you, and I don’t mean to be. I can’t help it. Even after all these years,”—her voice dropped to a whisper—“I still miss your father.” She laughed again, but there was little humor behind it. “Maybe I am crazy.”
Zach’s heart broke for her, and he understood her fear. The pain of solitude was like a snarling pack of wolves snapping at your heels, waiting to devour you if you let down your guard.
Lucky for him, he had his friends, and when it got too bad, they were always there to meet for breakfast; he could get lost in their absorbing lives, and for those few hours at least, Zach’s equilibrium centered, and he could move forward. His mother had nothing; it was only recently she’d begun to volunteer at the senior center, and when he tried to push her to involve herself with other charities she’d balked, claiming it was too fast. One baby step at a time.
“You’re not crazy, Mom, you’re sad. I miss him too. But your sadness is overwhelming you and making it impossible to live your life.”
“Don’t be silly,” she said, her voice snapping with anger. “I’m perfectly capable of living my life. I had a momentary lapse, and now I’m fine. I don’t know why you called if you’re only going to yell at me.”
Sadly, Zach understood why she lashed out at him; she was embarrassed and ashamed. “I’m not yelling at you. I’m going to come home, and that’s it.”
“But, but don’t you have people you want to see and plans?”
For one brief second he remembered the frantic kisses from last night, when he and Sam were so desperate for each other they’d barely made it to his bed. Disappointed as he was, Zach owed his mother so much more than to put her off for a second night of sex with a stranger, no matter how amazing that sex would be.
“Nah. Like I said, it’s full of boring people. I can pack and be on my way home within half an hour. Try and relax, make sure all the doors and windows are locked, and I’ll call you when I’m close to home, okay?” He hoped the forced cheeriness of his voice would fool her.
“Oh, I know I’m being selfish, but I’m glad you’re coming home. I feel better when you’re close. Not that something couldn’t happen to you here in New York, but still…”
“It’s fine. I’ll see you soon. I love you, Mom.”
He ended the call and, on autopilot, moved through his room, swiftly packing the few belongings he brought with him. Since the company sponsoring the convention was paying for him, Zach didn’t need to worry about the bill. At the last moment before shutting the lights, he remembered the condoms and lube in the night table drawer. With a sigh of what could have been, he retrieved them and tossed them into his bag. Zach shut the lights and left the room.
At the front desk, he handed his cardkey to the young woman. “Could I leave a message for someone?” Zach had realized he didn’t even know Sam’s telephone or room number. “His name is Sam Stein, and he’s registered here, but I don’t know the room.”
“I can’t give out a guest’s room number, but I can put you through, and you can leave him a phone message, or I can give you paper and an envelope, and you can leave him a note; so if he inquires at the front desk, we’ll give it to him.”
Zach thought for a moment. “Can I do both?”
“Certainly.” She checked her computer, punched in some numbers and handed him the phone.
Wishing he had more privacy, Zach spoke as neutrally as possible, unable to show how disappointed he really was. “Hey, Sam. It’s Zach. I, uh, had an emergency at home I had to take care of, so I ended up leaving tonight. Sorry I messed up our plans.” He hesitated for a second, unsure what else to say. “Um, well, ah…have a great rest of the weekend. Bye.” Zach stumbled over his words, realizing with a sinking feeling he’d probably never see Sam Stein again.
The desk clerk gave him a sympathetic smile and handed him a pad with hotel stationary, a pen, and an envelope. “Here you are, Mr. Cohen. When you finish, give it to me, and I’ll make sure your friend receives it.”
