Disgusted, he shook off Jordan’s hand. “Don’t touch me. You, a doctor no less, buying drugs off the street. Probably from some poor street kid who’s on something himself. How dare you?” His voice shook, breaking on the question. “You’re helping these kids dig their own graves by supporting what they’re doing. And you have the nerve to work at a foundation to prevent drugs and gun violence?” Luke couldn’t help but laugh, but there was no happiness in the sound.
“Let me explain, please.” Jordan’s gaze clashed with his, and for a moment Luke relented. There was true remorse in Jordan’s eyes. Afraid of what Jordan might say, Luke remained silent.
Jordan crowded close to him, so close Luke could feel the puffs of Jordan’s breath against his cheek. The only thing Luke wanted to do was close his eyes and wrap his arms around Jordan, and it took an enormous strength of will to hold himself back.
“Ever since Keith died, I haven’t been able to sleep. I didn’t want to leave the house or see anyone.” Jordan licked his lips, then bit down on the bottom one, worrying it between his teeth.
Luke crossed his arms. “Yeah, I know. Remember I had to threaten you to honor your obligation to the foundation.”
Jordan dipped his head, his gaze trained on the floor. “I wanted to die. The pain crushed me and my will to live.”
Luke had to lean forward to hear Jordan’s words. Pain squeezed his heart at the anguished sound of Jordan’s voice. Would Jordan ever forget Keith? What a fool he was to think Jordan might have started to move on.
“But then I got that letter from you about the foundation, and once I became more involved, I knew I needed to live again, if for nothing else than to make sure Keith didn’t die in vain.” Jordan swallowed, and a shudder racked his body. He lifted his gaze from the floor, and Luke’s resolve almost faltered at the absolute devastation in Jordan’s eyes. Almost.
“I’m not hearing anything I don’t already know, Jordan.”
“I know you’re mad when you don’t call me Prep School,” Jordan joked, but when Luke refused to play along, he raked his hand through his hair and continued. “My doctor prescribed Xanax for me, to deal with the anxiety and depression. It was as if the clouds had been erased. All my anxiety and blackness disappeared once I took the pills.”
Luke growled at him, angry at his naïveté. “Dumb-ass. You traded one problem for another. And you got hooked, didn’t you?”
When Jordan hesitated, Luke couldn’t hold back, answering for him. “You did. And it became like water to drink and air to breathe. After a while one pill wasn’t enough. It became two, then three, right?” Once again, Jordan didn’t answer, but Luke became ruthless and unrelenting.
“How many do you take a day, Jordan? Tell me, goddamn it.”
The man had gone mute. Luke grabbed the baggies out of the medicine chest and began throwing them at Jordan. “I bet you’ll take six or seven at least, right?” His voice rose as he continued clearing out the shelves, the pills spilling from the bags to bounce on the floor, scattering all over. Little yellow bullets of death. “And it’s not enough, that craving, thatwant. You need more and more.” He waited for a denial, to hear Jordan tell him he was crazy. There could possibly be some crazy, outlandish reason why there were hundreds of Xanax pills in his medicine cabinet.
“I can stop if I want to.” Jordan’s attempt to sound defiant came off as weak and pathetic.
“That’s what every addict says.” Luke’s harsh voice echoed off the tiled walls of the bathroom. This was a nightmare, his nightmare. It was everything he swore he’d never become involved with. His life had been fine until he’d fucked up and fallen for a man he barely knew. This was why he never did relationships. The pain circling his chest tightened like a vise, threatening to crush his heart. It was unbearable.
“I’d already decided tonight, before you came, that I wouldn’t take anymore, I swear.”
“Yeah, sure.” Lucas laughed, the taste of betrayal and heartbreak bitter, like ash in his mouth. “You can stop anytime you want to, right? You’re a bigger fool than I thought if you believe that.”
“I’m not an addict because I need a little help coping.”
“You’re an addict because you can’t stop taking these pills. Are you that fucking clueless? Because this”—he picked up the prescription bottle—“this is the only legal way to get what you need, but your doctor obviously doesn’t think you need them. But you want them. So you took it on yourself to get them illegally. That’s not coping.”
Jordan sank to the floor and rested his head against the wall. “You can’t imagine what it was like. One minute he was there, the center of my world, and the next, he was gone. And without me ever getting a chance to talk to him. To hear his voice again.” Grief creased his face, the tears trickling down his cheeks. “Without a chance to say I loved him and say good-bye.”
Luke knew he was meant to be alone, but it was his choice. Jordan had his whole life taken away from him with one fatal shot. “He knew how much you loved him. He felt the same way.”
The sweet, vulnerable smile that broke across Jordan’s face nearly undid Luke. “He told you that?”
Luke nodded and wondered again if Jordan would ever be able to move on. Shockingly, a desperate need grew within Luke to have someone think about him, dream about him, love him the way Jordan loved Keith. He wanted that look on someone’s face when they thought about him.
He wanted to see it on Jordan’s face.
Once again, Jordan clutched at his arm. He could almost smell the panic rolling off Jordan’s skin. “Then you can understand why I needed something to chase the demons away. If I didn’t, I might have killed myself. There were days I thought about it, and the only reason I didn’t was the knowledge of how much it would hurt my parents.” Another long shudder rolled through Jordan’s frame.
Jordan needed serious help, beyond what Luke could offer. “Drugs aren’t the answer, though. You’re heading for disaster. I-I care about you, Jordan. I don’t want to see you addicted. Buying drugs off the street is dangerous. You could get hurt or die.” From the highs of today to this absolute low, Luke felt emotionally drained and at a tipping point. This was, however, a line in the sand he wasn’t willing to cross. “You need to contact your doctor, get into therapy, and give them up.”
A weaker man might have crumbled at the discovery of such a humiliating secret. Not Jordan, however. The pale blue gaze held his, and Lucas saw not weakness but strength and determination. “I know. But you can’t go cold turkey off this type of pill or you can die. I promise I’m giving them up and will start weaning myself off them.” The vulnerability was back in his face, in the arch of his brow and the curve of his mouth. “I care about you as well, Lucas. I feel as though I’ve let you down somehow.”
“Does anyone else know? Drew, Mike, or your family? Perhaps we could strategize and come up with a plan to help you.” But he should’ve known Jordan’s pride would forbid such a revelation to his friends.
“God, no.” The vehemence in Jordan’s voice surprised him.
