“Very well, dear. If you say so.” She patted his hand again. “I’ve known these boys since they were in diapers, but you know better, I’m sure.”
Luke couldn’t hold back his grin. She was very cute.
“So you’ll stay, and we’ll all eat dinner together and have my birthday cake, right?”
How could he say no to her? He’d have to have ice water in his veins, and by now, after all that had happened, he no longer had the strength to say no. “All right. Thank you, Esther, for opening your home to me.”
They returned to the kitchen, where Jordan, Drew, and Ash sat in uncomfortable silence. Luckily, Rachel and Mike rejoined them, and soon the discussion turned to the foundation. For the first time since they’d arrived, Luke relaxed, and before he knew it, he was outlining their accomplishments. Over the past month, he’d done a lot of behind-the-scenes work, and an unfamiliar glow filled him when everyone at the table congratulated him on having the after-school center up and running earlier than anticipated. It was the warmth of acceptance, of belonging.
Esther slid a piece of her birthday cake in front of him after dinner had been cleared away. “I can’t think of anything better to do with your life than helping others. And to carry on sweet Keith’s dream?” She patted his hand. “You’re a mensch.”
Jordan laughed, but Luke didn’t understand. “What is that? What does that mean?”
Esther poured his coffee and explained. “It’s a Yiddish word, meaning someone who does good for others without expecting anything in return.”
Drew interjected, speaking for the first time. “It’s a compliment, Luke, and my grandmother doesn’t give those very often.”
Luke stared hard at Drew. Was Drew kidding, trying to get Luke to react, so he and Ash would start a conversation? His gaze flickered to Ash for a moment, and his heart gave a funny thump. The intensity of Ash’s stare, the yearning in those clear, bright eyes threw him. He didn’t look angry or bored to be there. Sadness lurked along with a look Luke had become all too familiar with when living in the shelter. Defeat and fear. He couldn’t help but wonder what his brother had lived through when Ash left home. Then Luke remembered how rich Ash was with his Park Avenue address and successful law practice, not to mention this wonderful family who loved him unconditionally. Luke tamped down any sympathy for Ash. Obviously he’d managed fine.
The sight of Drew’s hand, entwined so tightly with Ash’s, surprised him. Once again he wondered how they’d met. He’d have to get Jordan to tell him their story.
“Thank you, Esther. I appreciate it.”
Jordan stood. “Esther, it’s been wonderful, but I think we’ll be heading out now. I have to feed Sasha, and I’m sure Lucas has things to do as well.”
When Luke glanced at his watch, he was shocked to see how the afternoon had fled. It was past dinnertime, almost seven o’clock.
After saying his good-byes and promising Esther he’d come again with Jordan, they left. Luke settled in the cushioned seat of the SUV and blew out a breath. Jordan didn’t say a word; he drove away, heading toward the city. It was one of the things Luke appreciated. Jordan never had a need to fill the empty spaces with incessant chatter about crap. His cheeks grew warm as he recalled their kisses earlier. Shit. He hadn’t intended for it to happen, but he liked the guy and liked having someone to talk to and spend time with. Even though it went against everything he’d trained himself to be, he never stopped yearning for affection. He’d merely learned to live without it—a punishment for the pain of losing Brandon.
A cool hand took his. “Stop thinking so much. Sit back and enjoy the ride.”
Startled, he looked over at Jordan, then down at their clasped hands. His mind flashed back to Drew’s and Ash’s hands, entwined together to give each other strength, and another little piece of his heart broke open. Was he ready to let Jordan in?
Chapter Nine
Wavering between nervous anticipation and fear, Jordan kept silent for most of the ride home. That seemed to work fine for Lucas, who sat huddled in his seat, staring out of the window. Jordan knew that look of shock, and how it could render you numb to all outside interference. He’d felt that way since Keith’s death. Only now, there was the stabbing pain, like the pins and needles of blood rushing back into a limb regaining its feeling. Lucas’s reality of finding his brother after so many years could be nothing less than devastating. And Jordan’s heart, shriveled for so long, suddenly bloomed back to life, crashing through the shield he’d erected to keep from falling apart and shattering into a thousand pieces when Keith was murdered. He’d finally found someone to take care of and nurture.
“You know, Lucas, it’s okay to feel happy you finally found him. Even if you’re still angry at Ash, at least you know he’s alive.”
Lucas darted a glance at him, his beautiful hazel eyes glinting with pain and anger. “I don’t know what I’m feeling. It seems he has the perfect life, right? Money, a happy relationship, and a wonderful family.” The emotions struggling within Lucas played out on his handsome face. Though Lucas sought to gain a measure of composure, Jordan could see the effort it took for Lucas to keep from breaking down. “It all turned out so well for him. Yet me? I’ll never have that. And God only knows where Brandon is and what he’s gone through.”
Drew had told him and Mike something of Ash’s background but glossed over anything about his childhood. From Lucas’s reaction and the hints he dropped, Jordan surmised there must have been some form of abuse. As an only child who was doted on, secure in his parents’ love, Jordan couldn’t imagine the pain and suffering Lucas and his brothers had gone through.
What was real and unimagined, however, was the anticipation thrumming through his veins, awakening the dormant desire he’d ignored for weeks now. It scared the shit out of him. He knew Keith would want him to move on. They’d talked about it, as it was a daily thing they’d lived with, what every spouse of a person who worked for the NYPD feared most. One day, they would kiss their husband or wife good-bye and never see them again.
Discussing it and living through it were two different things. Keith had made Jordan promise, if Keith died, to find someone to love again. Though Jordan had said yes, it was an offhand promise—one made without a thought or belief that it would ever come to pass. Promises made to the living weren’t as easy to keep after death. And now, even with Lucas’s overwhelming presence next to him, the idea of letting another man into his life scared the hell out of him. Yet somehow Jordan sensed an inevitability about him and Lucas. That since they’d met, it had all been leading up to this point in time.
Jordan drove onto the Brooklyn Bridge, thankful for the stop-and-go traffic to keep his mind occupied. Lucas remained a silent presence, obviously caught up in his own memories. He couldn’t imagine what Lucas must be feeling right now, seeing his brother after all these years. Resentment, certainly, as there were obvious unresolved issues between the two. But despite what Lucas said, there had to be happiness as well, knowing Ash was safe. Perhaps even nostalgia for the way their life used to be.
Except, Jordan remembered, life wasn’t always about happiness. It must’ve been lonely, for sure, being a foster child without parents who loved you. His grip tightened on the wheel, and he forced himself to pay attention to the road and not his inner thoughts. He swung onto the West Side Highway. Add to that possible abuse or neglect, and it was no wonder Lucas remained leery of friendships. Still, Lucas had agreed to spend the day with him and had offered to train him at the gym.
“Lucas?”
“Hmm. Yeah?”
So he wasn’t asleep. Still ruminating. “Want to come back and hang out? I know you’ve got work tomorrow, and I’ve got to go into the hospital, but”—Jordan took a breath—“I wouldn’t mind some company. It gets kind of lonely eating by myself. We could have a drink if you don’t want to eat and—”
“Hey, Prep School.” Lucas touched his arm, then gave it a gentle squeeze. “It’s good. I’m fine with hanging out for a while.” He blew out a breath, and Jordan gave a quick glance over to see him rub his eyes. “It’s been an eventful day to say the least.”
