“Does he seem upset that I’m not there? I don’t want him to think I’m abandoning him. The doctor wasn’t sure about his short-term memory, and if you think I should stay home—”
“Carter, stop.”
He halted, a bit surprised at her cutting him off like that. “Yes?”
“I’ve seen how you are by the end of each month. You’re so bottled up inside, you’re ready to explode. No one can ever be there one hundred percent for another person, and it doesn’t mean you don’t love or care about him because you find the time for some self-care. You give everything to Jackson, so there’s nothing left of yourself. I can only hope one day you’ll meet someone—”
“No.” Having heard this argument many times before, Carter smoothly interrupted her. “We’ve discussed this, and I’m grateful you’re telling me Jacks is okay. I’ll make sure next weekend we go to the zoo.”
“I think he’d like that. Now here he is to say hello.”
The cab sat stuck in a traffic jam only several blocks from his hotel, but Carter was grateful as it gave him quiet time with Jacks. It was only a little past nine p.m., Carter realized with a start. No wonder Reed couldn’t leave the bar yet.
“Hey, Jacks, how’s it going, buddy?”
He imagined Helen standing by Jacks’s side with her warm, encouraging smile. The thought of losing her terrified him.
Carter could hear Jacks’s breathing. “Hi. It’s good.”
He expelled the breath he was holding in a soft burst of air.
“I hear you liked the pictures of the animals in the zoo?”
When he first became responsible for Jacks’s care and noticed some obvious developmental problems, he took him to a specialist who said Jacks’s small stature, under-developed muscle tone and learning issues could be caused by any number of things: smoking during pregnancy, drinking or drugs, or a combination of all three. However, without their mother present, it would be impossible to tell. But Carter knew the diagnosis was more than likely correct, remembering his mother’s chain-smoking and penchant for beer. He’d done some research of his own on the internet after meeting with the doctor, and the stories were heartbreaking. The blinding rage toward that woman for putting her defenseless child second to her own selfish needs almost caused him to punch a hole through his computer monitor.
But he shouldn’t have been surprised. This was his mother; the same woman who’d left him at age seventeen when she deemed him capable of taking care of himself, and disappeared. If you couldn’t trust your own mother to take care of you and give you love, who could you trust? No one, he decided, and Carter lavished whatever love he had inside on Jackson. Whatever Jacks needed in terms of therapy and help, Carter made sure to get him. He alone would be the one person Jacks could always rely on and never lose trust in. The two of them didn’t need anyone but each other and would be just fine.
“Yeah. They’re pretty.”
Tears blinded him. This boy had done nothing but be born and ask for love. Carter would make damn sure he’d get it all—at least what he was capable of giving.
“How about you and me go next weekend to the zoo, and we can see them in person?”
The cab pulled up in front of the hotel, but Carter stayed seated.
“Really?”
“Yes. Really. We’ll see elephants and lions. All kinds of cool stuff.”
“Yeah. I’d like that.”
“I’ll talk to you more tomorrow when we have breakfast, okay? And be good and go to bed for Helen.” He blinked away the moisture in his eyes. “I love you, Jacks.”
“Bye.”
There was only a slight chance he’d get an “I love you” back, and Carter wished this was one of those times, but Jacks had hung up. With a pang, he ended the call and paid for the cab, then made his way swiftly through the crowded lobby to the elevator bank, holding back the tears he wasn’t sure were for himself or for Jacks. There was little he could do for either of them to make life better.
Satisfied that Jacks was healthy and as happy as he could be, Carter focused on his upcoming weekend with Reed. He barely noticed the other people sharing the elevator with him; instead he ran over all the things he’d like to do to and with Reed that weekend.
However, he thought as he swiped his card key at the hotel door lock, nothing could be accomplished until Reed got there and got naked, neither of which could come soon enough for Carter. Like the last time, the maid had done turn-down service, and there were several pieces of chocolate on the pillow. Unlike last month, Carter had requested an upgrade to a small suite, all in the hope that he’d be bringing Reed back here and would need an early morning quiet space to have his breakfast with Jacks. He took a quick glance at the clock on the nightstand by the king-sized bed, and seeing it was only 9:20, he knew most likely Reed wouldn’t be there for several hours.
Feeling grungy after all his running around, Carter peeled off his clothes, and leaving them in a pile on the floor next to the bed, walked into the bathroom. Some fifteen minutes later, refreshed and naked under the fluffy hotel robe, Carter lay down on the bed and closed his eyes for a nap, but sleep failed to come as it so often did when thoughts of his mother had taken up residence.
He tossed and turned and even pulled a pillow over his head, but it didn’t help. Nothing ever did. All he could see was himself at fourteen and her face twisted in disgust when she walked into the curtained off part of the living room that was supposed to be his bedroom and found him jerking off to a picture of a boy-band singer. Or how she constantly complained giving birth to him had ruined her life: she could’ve been a model or an actress if only she didn’t get pregnant at fifteen.
When you grew up believing you were the cause of your mother’s problems, you tried to make yourself invisible and not cause any more trouble for her. All you wanted was for her to love you, and if that meant learning to steal cigarettes for her when she ran out, or remaining home alone at night by yourself even though you were afraid, you did it and never complained. You stayed out late when her boyfriends came over so she could have privacy, sometimes sleeping on the back porch because the men slept over and she didn’t want him in the house at all.
But it built a fire in your belly that grew into a conflagration, consuming you and burning away any hope as the years went by. Because the other kids knew something you didn’t and snickered behind your back as you walked by. Or stuck notes in your locker saying,Your mother’s a whore.
