“Are you upset about it? He didn’t hurt you, did he?” Dr. Childs’ voice changed from warmly sympathetic to sharply concerned.
“No, not at all. I mean, not unless you consider my pride. I’m upset with myself for letting him talk me into going back to his hotel room with him. Anything could have happened. I’m not usually that stupid.” He tucked the phone under his ear and played with his bracelet. The soothing, repetitive movement helped calm his nerves somewhat.
“Well, sometimes we get caught up in the emotions of the moment, and we forget to think with our head and go with our heart instead. You can come in if you want, but try to learn from the experience. Sex isn’t wrong, and if I’m not mistaken, it sounds like you liked this man, otherwise you would have forgotten about him already. Am I wrong?”
“Maybe. I’m so confused. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t been in a relationship in so long or because I was lonely and let him take advantage of me. I didn’t feel this way at the time, but now I’m all panicky about it.”
“If he comes in again—”
“I doubt it. This had one-night stand written all over it. And it’s been two weeks and he hasn’t come back.”
“But if he does,” she said—and Reed had heard that tone before from her; it was the sit-up-and-listen-I’m-giving-you-advice-you-need-to-take voice—“and you find yourself still attracted to him, there’s nothing wrong with acting on those feelings, with the caveat to take it a bit slower.”
“Thanks, Dr. Childs.”
It had been smart to call. He had nothing to feel guilty about that night; it wasn’t anything different than what he’d heard so many people talk about in school. Hooking up and finding comfort shouldn’t make a person feel bad about themselves. The problem, as he saw it, was if the man returned, Reed wasn’t so certain he’d be able to resist him.
Drumming his fingers on top of the bar, Reed first focused on calming his runaway thoughts. Once he’d been diagnosed, the doctors had told him to find a way to center his thoughts and gain control of the anxiety that threatened to cripple him. Coupled with his ADHD that made it hard for him to focus for long periods of time, Reed often felt his life stretched out before him as a road full of obstacles, winding on forever but leading him nowhere. Learning to manage what he could and couldn’t do was a way for him to control all the thoughts flying by in his head. Oftentimes he’d want to give up and simply cry.
He’d learned over the years and with hundreds of hours of therapy to channel his energy into being productive. He took painting and drawing lessons when he was younger and filled his house with his creations. After college he took a bartending course and found even with the pressure, the high-energy, fast-paced work fed into his need to keep busy. Despite everything, Reed never overcame his loneliness or the feeling he’d never measure up and never be in control over what happened in his life. Life happened to him.
Being in that hotel room two weeks ago proved his point. He may have topped that man, but Reed was not in control that night.
“You’re an asshole,” he said to himself.
“Now Iknowyou’re not talking to me.”
At the sound of his father’s voice, Reed couldn’t help but smile. “Hi, Dad, what’re you doing here?”
“I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d stop by, have a drink, and see my favorite son.”
Sunlight shone off his father’s salt-and-pepper curls. He and his father shared the same straight, strong nose, rangy build, and amber eyes, so Reed had a pretty good idea of what he was going to look like when he got older. Except his father’s nature was calm to Reed’s inner storm.
“The neighborhood, huh? I didn’t know they’d transplanted Brooklyn to Times Square.” Reed placed a glass of 7&7 and a ceramic bowl of salty peanuts and pretzels in front of his father. “And thanks for the title of favorite son, especially when I’m the only son you have.”
His father waved his hand in the air. “A mere technicality, I assure you.”
They shared a laugh, and Reed began to polish the glasses with a clean cloth. The other bartenders hated doing that job, but for Reed it fed his internal demand for repetitive activity and the drive to constantly keep busy.
“How’s school coming?”
“Great. I knew spending summers working in the big hotels in Atlantic City would be beneficial. And here at this bar too; it’s all part of my long-term plan to get a feel for the different skills I’d need.”
Admiration shone from his father’s eyes. “I’m so proud of you, Reed. You know exactly what you want to do, and nothing’s going to stand in your way, is it?”
It wasn’t like the two of them to get all emotional together. A lump rose in Reed’s throat. “I learned from the best, you know? You gave everything to me and never let people tell you no.”
His mother had bailed on their family after Reed was diagnosed early on with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and anxiety, claiming she couldn’t deal with the stress of caring for a “disabled” child. That bit of information had been gleaned from a letter he’d found one day, stuck in the back of a drawer he’d had trouble closing. Reed figured his father had tucked it away, hoping it would never see the light of day, yet keeping it as the final and only hand-written evidence that his mother actually existed. It had been hidden from sight, but from the well-worn creases, Reed imagined his father taking it out and reading it over the years, then sticking it back in its hiding place more determined than ever to make sure his son had the best life possible, despite his problems. To this day, Reed hugged his discovery to himself and never mentioned finding that letter to his father.
Determined to see him succeed and not be labeled and pushed aside, his father had rolled up his sleeves, and he and Reed did everything together, including school plays, bake sales, and helping Reed get the doctors and therapy he needed.
“Are you dating anyone? Last you mentioned you were in a study group and there might be some guys there you might be interested in.”
That may have been true a month ago, but they all paled in comparison to the stranger he’d had sex with that night. He was the only one on his mind now. There’d been several nights since then when Reed dreamed of making love to him, pushing inside the hot, velvety grasp of his smooth, round ass, and woken up, the dream so vividly real his body trembled on the brink of climax. In all his life he’d never allowed himself to do something so spontaneous, and talking to the doctor he’d now seen that while somewhat foolish, it was nothing to beat himself up over. Still, he couldn’t get the man’s darkly handsome face out of his mind and didn’t know what he’d do if he ever saw him again.
“No, I’m not dating anyone. I decided to make the choice between dating and work, and work won. Plenty of time for a social life once I graduate.”
Most of the time, he and his father agreed on things. From his father’s frown though, Reed knew this wasn’t one of them.
