Despite Carter insisting the two of them weren’t in a relationship and never would be, he still noticed little things, things only someone who cared would pay attention to. If Reed had mentioned he enjoyed eating something, merely in passing, Carter made sure to have it in the suite, waiting for him when he showed up after work the next weekend they spent together. One time he complained of a stiff back from studying, and Carter surprised him with stress relieving bath salts they both enjoyed in the oversized jetted hotel tub.
He’d also given him small gifts—nothing expensive, but thoughtful ones, like a special reading light to cut down on the glare.
“For all your studying,” Carter said with a smile when Reed opened the box. “You don’t want to strain your eyes, although you’d look sexy as hell in a pair of glasses.”
Things like that made Reed so curious about Carter’s personal life and why he tried to make it all about the sex yet showed a surprisingly sweet side as well. And even though he’d been the one to end it between them, Reed needed that final closure, that understanding of why—why Carter presented himself to the world as a cold businessman, devoid of feelings, when Reed knew him to be the exact opposite. Reed supposed it was the anxiety in him that needed those details wrapped up nicely before he could move on. He could never be satisfied until he had all the facts and the hows and whys clear in his mind.
“Reed.Reed.” He came back to the present to find his father and Vernon staring at him.
“What?” He brushed his hair back in his typical nervous gesture, noticing his hand trembling. The signs all pointed to his stress levels at the maximum he could endure. Perhaps he needed to visit Dr. Childs and ask her for advice, more as a mother figure than as his therapist.
“We’ve been calling your name. What’s wrong? Is Vernon right? Did this guy mistreat you?”
“No. He’s wrong. He and I…I’m fine.” Irritated at having to discuss his love life in a bar with his father and his boss, Reed shut down. “Everything’s fine. I need to serve those people over there.” Without a backward look, he strode to the waiting customers and decided to get a grip on his life and stop allowing everyone—Dr. Childs, his father, Vernon, even Carter—to make decisions about what was best for him. Happiness didn’t fall into your lap—that was for fairy tales and movies. Sometimes you had to fight for the right to be happy, which might make the ever after all the sweeter.
But putting himself out there, taking that initial step scared the hell out of Reed. The anxiety spiked, crowding out his best intentions. Sure, taking a risk meant a chance to succeed. But what if he tried and failed? What if he lost it all? Throughout the rest of his shift, Reed wrestled with himself, still uncertain what to do, hating the doubts that continued to plague him.
Later that night when he’d gotten home from work and showered, Reed sat in bed, cup of tea in hand, and began to search for anything he could find on Carter Haywood. Maybe Dr. Childs was right and he should do a little deeper research into Carter’s background. It might give him better insight into the type of man who on the outside seemed to have everything yet Reed knew for a fact led a hollow and lonely life. The nights they spent together, Reed, up often at night from his medicines, studied Carter in his sleep. Restless and wakeful, Carter would sometimes cry out or reach for him, and Reed drew him close, feeling the pounding of his heart. Warm and comforted, they’d both fall asleep, if only for a little while.
Reed bypassed all the usual stock articles which seemed to repeat the same carefully constructed biography: “came out of nowhere to take the PR field by storm” or “has an uncanny knack for predicting the hottest new trends before anyone.” The only personal fact about the man, if you could call it that, was the last line of his bio, which merely stated in one succinct line: “Carter Haywood lives in Brooklyn.”
Surely there had to be more to Carter than his resume and sharp business skills. And though it was weird to obsess over a man who was almost a stranger, in some ways Reed knew him better than anyone else, having taken the man inside his body. For that reason alone, he couldn’t walk away as easily as he should. He hadn’t had that many lovers and none who’d stirred up these mixed emotions.
It all made him want to hold on even tighter, no matter that he was the one letting go.
An hour passed and he’d dug a bit deeper, a trend becoming obvious in the charitable contributions made by both Carter individually and his firm—all were to children’s charities.He’s not a complete bastard,thought Reed. Deep down he knew there was way more to Carter Haywood than a winning smile and a boatload of confidence. Carter might be only thirty-two, but the shadows hiding in his eyes told a story of a lifetime already lived. It hurt Reed to have to dig for bits and pieces of the life story of the man he’d spent entire weekends with and made love to.
Then again, Reed hid some pretty big secrets about himself from Carter as well.
A several-years-old headline in an online newsletter grabbed his attention, and with mounting excitement, Reed read the blurb, his tea growing cold. It acknowledged a gift of ten thousand dollars to an organization dedicated to helping children with disabilities, on behalf of Carter Haywood and Jackson Miller.
Reed fell back on his bed with a whoosh of accomplishment. That name, Jackson, could be the full name for Jacks, who was the child Carter asked someone to pick up from another child’s house in the text. If it wasn’t Carter’s child, maybe he was a brother or a cousin? Reed hated having to play a guessing game, but instead of getting angrier at Carter, all he felt was deflated and unhappy. He couldn’t understand why Carter continued to hold him at a distance.
In the beginning he had respected Carter’s need for privacy and anonymity and made no attempt to delve into his personal life; their meet-ups sounded sexy and intriguing, and Reed was more than willing to play along. But Reed had never been into sex for the mere physical release.
In every prior relationship, he’d craved an emotional connection before becoming physical with the man; that had always been his problem. He didn’t have it in him to casually give his heart away. Reed thought he’d reached a point where he could turn off the needy side of his personality and remain as coolly detached as Carter. He’d tried and held strong for several months, but Carter’s tender attentiveness and the incredibly passionate sex they shared broke down all his best intentions. Reed fell harder than ever before.
But this last time at the bar had hurt. Hurt badly. Because the one thing Reed had been denying for a while was that he’d developed feelings for Carter; how could he not? They may only have been together a handful of times, but their days and nights were spent crawling inside not only each other’s bodies, but their minds, hearts, and souls. Reed knew what Carter sounded like as he slept and the sounds of pleasure he made stretching awake in the morning. How his jaw tensed and his neck arched and strained in an effort to hold himself together as he climaxed deep inside Reed. Even now, Reed could hear Carter’s wickedly seductive chuckle echoing in his ear when Carter cornered him in the shower, spread-eagled him to the tiled wall, and proceeded to take him apart with his soft, flickering tongue.
He refused to delve too deep inside his own heart to see if it remained intact or if he’d already given a part of it away to Carter. But tonight Reed made a decision, one he hoped he’d have the guts to keep once the morning came. After his class he planned to visit Carter’s office and let him know both of them were worth so much more than anonymous fucks in hotel rooms. More importantly, Reed disliked the thought of Carter finding other men to replace him if he’d taken Reed’s brush-off seriously. As a matter of fact, he fucking hated it.
Somehow Reed had to persuade Carter that once bodies were engaged, hearts were sure to follow. And, if he was willing to take that chance with Reed, then there might be a way for them to move ahead. Together.
***
Don’t be intimidated. The mantra played inside Reed’s head the next afternoon when he entered Carter’s office building. After the obligatory sign-in at the security desk, he waited by the elevator, whistling tunelessly under his breath, foot tapping with nervous energy. It was only after he realized people stared at him that he stopped, understanding his behavior might make other people uneasy.
The elevators whooshed him up to the twenty-first floor, disgorging him into a brightly lit hallway where he followed the signs to the doorway marked “Haywood & Associates.” The door opened up to a waiting area where an enormous dark wood desk stood as a barrier to the offices behind it. A red-headed woman in her mid-fifties sat behind it, staring intently at her computer while she sipped from a large mug that said:Wine—the Other Venti Drink.
She looked up and gave him a brief yet friendly smile.
“May I help you?”
His heart pounding, Reed ran a shaking hand through his hair and swallowed. “Uh, yeah, I mean, yes. I’d like to see Carter, please.”
At her slightly shocked expression, Reed realized she had no idea who he was or how he knew her boss. “I mean, Mr. Haywood.”
Her eyes narrowed. “You don’t have an appointment, do you?”
