Carter allowed himself a grin. “I have. And I know I haven’t thanked you enough—”
“Oh no.” Helen interrupted him. “This has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Jackson stretching his fledgling wings. I’m so happy he’s met these new friends. He’s become a whole new person.”
The bond between Jackson and two boys he’d tentatively made friends with several months ago had strengthened into a fierce friendship as only school-aged children could accomplish, complete with Saturday movie play dates, video game playing, and pizza parties. Despite Jackson’s overall progress, Carter hadn’t yet agreed to the sleepover requests, wondering if it was too fast, too soon.
“I agree. Do you think I held him back these last few years? I didn’t mean to hurt him in any way. You know that.”
They weren’t often demonstrative with each other; perhaps Helen sensed his need to keep his distance from people. But today she put her hand on his and squeezed it tight.
“You were doing what you thought best for Jackson’s benefit. You’ve sacrificed almost your whole life these past three years. Because of you he feels safe and secure and ready to test the waters of friendships.” She tightened her grip even more. “Did you ever imagine he’d be at this place when he came to you those years ago? I have to confess I hadn’t ever seen such a sad little boy.” She took off her glasses and wiped her eyes with a napkin.
For Carter, it was hard to believe Jacks hadn’t always been with him, where each smile became a small victory to be won at the end of the day. Without him the kitchen table would be empty, no schoolwork, books, or pictures stacked haphazardly across the surface. There’d be no toys spilling out into the hallway or piled in the corner of the living room. From the moment their mother showed up and left Jacks, Carter had been consumed with making sure he got it right even if he had no idea what right was. But for certain he already knew about wrong. That would be his own life. No structure, no love, no family dinners or bedtime stories. With every breath, Carter made sure Jackson would have what he, Carter, lacked as a child and so much more—friends, security, and love. And if it meant that for Jackson to live a stable, healthy life Carter would have to give up thoughts of a relationship, he was fine with that. From childhood, being alone was all Carter knew.
Jackson’s art therapy had evolved as well—from the dark and sad pictures he drew when he first came to live with Carter, forever depicting a lonely child standing in a corner, to the more frequent bright and colorful scenes of birds and animals and groups of happy, smiling children. Jacks’s doctors informed Carter these were all signs the therapy was successful.
“I have you to thank for his breakthroughs; I never could’ve done any of this by myself. I know I don’t say it often enough, but you’ve been a godsend, Helen.”
“All Jackson needed was someone to love him and be a steady presence in his life. We might never know what he went through as a young child, but my guess is your mother didn’t provide much stability for him, and the trust issues he has are going to take several more years to work through. But youaremaking headway. Slow as it may seem, this is the right way.”
The thought of his mother being a stable presence in anyone’s life almost choked him with laughter. The government required a license to drive a car and own a dog, but to bring a child into this world and be a parent—there you were on your own. It had been a while since he thought about his childhood; he didn’t believe in dwelling on the past. Instead, he focused all his energy on shielding his little brother from all the people who might hurt him.Trust no onehad been his motto for years and it had served him well.
“I’ll always be there for him. He’s part of my life, and I’ll never give him up. I know he’s making progress, but it’s taken him so many years to get to this point, I won’t let anything get in the way of him leading the most normal life possible.”
The first time he took Jacks to a child psychiatrist, the doctor stressed the main objective was for Jacks to comprehend Carter wouldn’t disappear on him like their mother had. Stability and security were the key words the doctor repeated, and they’d become Carter’s mantra. The doctor also warned Jacks might have a hard time learning to trust Carter. For all that their mother was a neglectful person, she was still the only parent Jacks had ever known and Carter was yet a stranger.
From his own childhood, Carter remembered the never-ending procession of men his mother brought home, how he would try to make them like him by doing whatever they asked, only to have them vanish overnight, each replaced by someone new. His mother believed any one of those men would be her meal ticket out of a life of poverty and hopelessness. Even at his young age, Carter knew better. When he grew up, he promised himself, watching his mother move from man to man, no one would ever use him or take advantage of him again.
“Speaking of leading a normal life, you need to take a page from your own book, Carter. Have you ever thought about settling down?”
There was no condemnation in Helen’s voice, only sadness. Over the past few years, as they’d grown closer taking care of Jacks, Carter confided to her his need to get away, sensing she’d never judge him, and he was right. Above all, she wanted him to be happy.
“I have, yes, as a matter of fact. I’m seeing someone with a similar mindset—neither one of us wants anything permanent.” Thoughts of Reed, his sweet smile and open heart, stirred an odd yearning within Carter. Nothing sexual, which startled him the most. Yes, he wanted Reed as much now as the first time he saw him, maybe even more if that was possible, but it had blossomed into so much more than mere physical desire. Mundane, silly things occurred during the workday and often he found himself wanting to share them with Reed. He’d be a click away from sending a text or funny joke to Reed, or once or twice a dirty picture, then catch himself and wonder what the hell he was thinking. This wasn’t part of their arrangement.
“Whomever you’re seeing on those weekends you disappear has changed you. You’re lighter and more at ease. I’ve noticed the difference immediately, and I’m wondering if Jackson does too. Part of his recovery might be the fact that you’re much calmer now. You should seriously consider bringing this man around one day to meet Jackson.”
He shook his head before she finished speaking.
“No, I don’t think that’d be wise.”
“Why not?”
He didn’t know why. Over the months that he’d been seeing Reed, the excuses he’d made in the past no longer seemed relevant. Things between him and Reed had accelerated from simple (okay, not simple, pretty amazing) sex in a hotel room to dancing and then ice-skating in public where the time flew by instead of dragging. Their weekends together had progressed from all sex, all the time, to dinners out, then cuddling on the sofa in the hotel suite, watching a movie. They went to museums, browsed through the shops in SoHo and Tribeca, and on the last Saturday afternoon they’d spent together, Carter had scored almost-impossible-to-get tickets for a Broadway show and surprised Reed with them.
Time slipped away and six months had passed from the first time he’d spotted Reed in the bar that Friday night, and now they were on the cusp of spring, yet Carter didn’t feel bored or restless. Instead, the opposite occurred. He anticipated his weekends with Reed and thought about him more than the work he had waiting for him at the office. Nothing about these escalating feelings had to do with their sex life. It was being with Reed, watching his animated face as he relayed a funny story about what happened during his shift at work, or listening to him sing in the shower, his voice painfully off-tune but so cheerful—these were the moments Carter hung on to like a lifeline while they were apart. Because before he caught his breath, their weekends were over and once again he was back with Jackson but still alone.
Now that Jacks had started spending so much of his weekends with his new friends, Carter tried to catch up on whatever work he’d brought home with him from the office, but more often than not he’d spend a good portion of the day thinking about what Reed might be doing when they were apart, or planning their next weekend together. Instead of concentrating on his campaign, Carter lost himself in pictures of the two of them in bed or on one of their expeditions in the city. He’d catch himself and grow angry, dismissing his thoughts of a more permanent situation between the two of them as stupid. Their arrangement worked exactly how he’d envisioned it, and yet here he was, getting personally involved.
“My weekends have nothing to do with what I have here at home. This is my reality, not what happens on that one weekend a month.”
Helen’s brows arched in surprise. “Are you ashamed of him?”
Her question startled him. Ashamed of Reed? Impossible. More likely the other way around if Reed ever discovered Carter’s less-than-normal childhood and what he’d been through.
“Not at all. He’s a good person—too good for me in fact. You know the type—perfect childhood, loving home, good parents and schooling.” He fidgeted, uncomfortable in his own skin, memories of his past struggles burning like acid in his blood. “He’d be ashamed of me and the life I led.” The man he’d become never forgot the boy he left behind.
“Oh, Carter. People don’t get to pick and choose their childhood. You made the best of a terrible situation. No one could fault you for that.”
And no one ever would because he’d never tell. None of the men he’d ever been with cared, and he certainly wouldn’t confess to Reed who was so damn perceptive sometimes it scared him. Reed would be the one who’d want to discuss and dissect; to probe and question until Carter’s whole shameful life lay bare and he’d probably end up humiliating himself by crying.
