It didn’t stop him from wishing, however, that they could have a little bit of time together like a couple instead of spending their entire weekend holed up in bed. God knows he wasn’t complaining about the sex. When they were together it was all he could do to keep his hands off Carter, but it would be nice to go out to dinner and walk the streets of the city. Pretend what they had was real when it was anything but.
By the time their allotted weekend arrived, Reed had worked up a plan that in his head seemed plausible, but now that he was close to bringing it to fruition, had him worrying about Carter’s reaction. Would he be okay with it or dismiss it outright? What if he got angry and told him to go home for the weekend? Even worse, Carter could end their arrangement altogether. The thoughts tumbled through his mind, making Reed dizzy and ill with anxiety.
But first he had to do his shift at the bar, where hopefully he could forgo thinking about Carter, if only for a few hours. Unlikely to happen, but Reed forced himself to sit down, relax, and do some deep breathing, ultimately centering himself and gaining some control.
The weather refused to cooperate and outside sleet pelted down from a stark night sky while the blustery raw wind howled. At his last glance through the front windows Reed watched as people’s umbrellas buffeted about, blown inside out, and he was grateful to be inside, warm and dry. The few desultory customers who had showed up nursed their drinks as if deciding whether to stick it out or give up and head home, hoping for a better tomorrow.
“Go on, get out of here already.” Vernon gave him a nudge. “I know you got plans; I saw your bag. You’ve been pretty useless here all night, anyway.”
“I haven’t done anything.” Reed poured a few glasses of beer and gave them to the guy waiting at the bar. “Here you go. That’ll be eleven dollars.”
Vernon snorted. “That’s the point. You ain’t done nothing. All you do is bounce up and down, talk under your breath, and keep checking the clock. It’s like standing next to someone who’s gotta go to the bathroom but can’t.”
With a guilty smile, Reed handed the customer his change, then turned to talk to Vernon directly. “Am I really that antsy?” At Vernon’s pointed look, Reed felt his face burn and dropped his gaze to the floor, mumbling, “I guess you’re right.”
“It’s that guy again, am I right? The one you left with last month? He’s your boyfriend, ain’t he?”
From the first, Vernon’s acceptance of his sexuality surprised Reed; he’d expected to have to hide being gay, figuring Vernon, being older, would automatically be conservative and disapproving. But Vernon’s daughter had come out several years ago as a lesbian, and she was his whole life; Clara could do no wrong. If Clara was a lesbian, Vernon told him, he had no problem with Reed being gay.
“Not really.” How the hell could he explain it to Vernon without sounding like a slut or an idiot that he couldn’t stop thinking about a man he met once a month to have ridiculously hot sex with?
“Oh, you’re hooking up?”
Reed gaped at Vernon, who looked extremely proud of himself.
“Ha. Bet you didn’t think I know what that means.”
“Well, yeah.” Plus, it sounded really funny coming out of Vernon’s mouth to begin with.
“I get MTV. I watchTeen Mom.” At Reed’s disbelieving stare, Vernon shrugged. “Sometimes I can’t sleep and there ain’t nothing else on late at night.”
“This is too weird.” Reed began to stack glasses underneath the bar.
“So what’s going on with you two? You don’t hardly see him; is that why you’re so jittery?”
“Damn.” Reed swore under his breath. Even Vernon noticed. He couldn’t get mad at him for the things he unwittingly said. Reed had more confidence in revealing his sexuality than his psychological issues and hadn’t told Vernon he suffered from anxiety, only ADHD. His mental state carried a stigma for him, not who he liked to sleep with.
His palms broke out in a sweat, and the familiar tightness crept through him, signaling his anxiety was on the rise. It was always hard to say when it might hit, but today Reed knew why. He’d woken up late and rushed out of the house without taking his medicine, and already he could see the difference in his lack of concentration and inability to start and finish one task. More than once tonight Vernon had to ask him to finish running the monthly numbers, but something inevitably distracted him, causing him to lose focus on the task at hand. Reed knew he was a mess: he couldn’t keep from running his hands through his hair or twisting his fingers together. Something,anythingto cure himself of the rampant restlessness he’d been cursed with. He’d gone home during a lull and only taken his meds about an hour ago—they were just beginning to take effect.
At times like this Reed hated his weakness and wished he could rip the anxiety from his body. Wistfully, he’d watch the other students in class sitting so calm and focused, listening to the professor speak, taking notes he knew would be neatly precise, while under his skin an electrical current buzzed and he had to force himself to pay attention.
If he wasn’t twisting the bracelet he’d worn more than half his life—solely for the purpose of giving himself an outlet for his nervous energy—he doodled; anything to expend the constant energy revving through him. Mason would get annoyed at his actions and dubbed the bracelet his security blanket. He’d make a point to tell Reed he wished his oral fixation could channel all the excess energy into giving him more blowjobs. That more sex would cure him of all that anxiety. As usual, Mason turned the focus of everything, including Reed’s illness, on himself. When Reed pointed it out to him, Mason laughed, but Reed failed to find the humor in any of it.
The more he thought about it, Reed realized it was better for him and Carter to spend so little time together. Anything more and his secret might be discovered. A man like Carter would have no use for someone as mixed up in the head as Reed.
“No, I’m fine with the way things are; we’re both busy and not interested in a relationship, so this works.”
“Huh. Well, the way he looked at you that night, I’d say he’s got it bad.” Reed jumped as Vernon elbowed him in the side. “And you’re pretty hot for him too. So go on, get outta here. And at least make him take you out for a nice dinner before he jumps your bones.” Vernon turned away, cackling to himself.
Without another word Reed went to the office, put on his coat, picked up his duffel bag, and headed out into the rain-swept night. If ever there was a time to splurge on a cab, tonight was it, and after he hailed one and sank into the back seat, he texted Carter to let him know he was on his way.
Good. I’m waiting for you.
Maybe tonight he could talk Carter into going out and having a drink somewhere. All the meds he took precluded him from drinking too much, but if he could get Carter to relax his guard and open up, maybe he could find out a bit more about this mysterious man who’d gripped his heartstrings.
Once he entered the suite, Carter would want and have him on the bed within minutes; Reed had no doubt Carter wasn’t with any other men during their separation. He was insatiable at first; it was part of what drew Reed to him. No one had ever made him feel as desired, asdesirableas Carter did, but tonight he hoped for something different. Something more intimate.
The cab rolled up in front of the hotel, and after paying his fare and slamming the door shut behind him, he hoisted his bag over his shoulder and hurried through the front doors. The route through the hotel lobby to the elevators had become rote by now, and the closer he got to seeing Carter, the higher anticipation sizzled through his bloodstream. He breathed deeply to calm his rapidly beating heart. His dick might be half-hard already, but Reed was determined to talk before fucking.
