“Sit down with me. You’re in shock yourself.” He allowed Ash to lead him to a chair where he slumped down, resting his head against Ash’s broad shoulder. “Rest a little, baby. It isn’t going to do anyone any good if you collapse on the floor.”
His head still pounded, but as the hours passed, he managed to close his eyes. Each time he opened his eyes, the nightmare of the evening reared its ugly head again. Jordan hadn’t moved once that he could tell. He sat in the chair drinking innumerable cups of coffee and stared at the door as if willing the surgeon to come through.
The hours ticked away.
Drew woke with a start. He checked his watch and saw it was morning. They’d been waiting for seven hours. He stole a glance and saw Jordan’s frozen, stoic face trained upon the door. His hands still clutched a paper coffee cup. Slipping out from under Ash’s arm, Drew made his way to the seat next to his best friend.
“Jordy.” He put his hand on his friend’s arm. Jordan flinched, his hand shaking so much drops of cooled coffee slopped over the side.
“I know, D. But I can’t take anyone touching me right now.” His agonized whisper died as the door opened and the surgeon walked in. Great pools of sweat darkened his green scrubs from under his armpits to his chest. Drew took one look at his face and knew the news wasn’t good. He glanced back at Ash and reached for him, finding he needed to feel the strength of his arms around him for what he knew would be crushing news.
Jordan stood. “He didn’t make it, did he, David?”
Dr. David Cantor shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Jordan. We did everything we could, but the bullet tore through his artery…”
Jordan put his hand up and then fell to the floor on his knees. “Don’t. Don’t tell me the details. I can’t bear to think of the pain he went through at the end, and how I wasn’t there to help him or hold his hand.” He threw the paper cup across the room and cried out in his pain. “Why, God? Why Keith?” He moaned, clutching himself around the waist, rocking back and forth. “It should have been me. He was too good to die. Please, no, it can’t be true. I want to die too. Take me with him.”
Helpless to do anything but feel his heart breaking at the sight of his friend falling to pieces, Drew clung to Ash. “Dear God, how can this be happening?” He looked to his lover and saw the tears falling from his eyes. “Oh, Ash, what now? Keith was such a good person.”
“I know, baby. He was the best.”
Ash held him as he sobbed. In the background, he heard the quiet crying of Rachel and his grandmother. Pulling out of Ash’s arms, he beckoned to Mike, and the two of them knelt and put their arms around their childhood friend. Jordan buried his face in Drew’s chest and howled his pain, his tears soaking through Drew’s shirt.
“Let me die, Drew. I’m no good without him. He’s the only one who’ll ever love me.” Jordan laid his head in Drew’s lap. “I can’t live knowing he’s alone and cold.” His piteous weeping broke Drew’s already cracked and beaten heart. “I need to hold him to keep him warm. Who’s going to keep him warm now?”
“Shhh, Jordy. Don’t talk like that. Keith wouldn’t want you to feel like that.” Mike brushed away his own tears, and Rachel came to sit beside Jordan, giving him comfort.
Drew kissed Jordan’s forehead. “We’ll be there for you, all of us will, Jordy.”
“It’s not fair. Not Keith, not my life, my love. Please, God.” He grabbed on to Drew’s shirt. “It’s a dream, right? I’m in a bad dream, and you’re all in it.” Wild-eyed, he glanced around the waiting room. “Tell me it’s a dream and wake me up now.”
“Shhh, Jordy, we’re all here for you.” Drew didn’t know what else to do but repeat those same ineffective words.
“It has to be a dream. He can’t be dead. He can’t be. We’re getting married. We were going to adopt a baby.” Jordan grabbed hold of his shoulders and stared into Drew’s eyes beseechingly. “Please, please, tell me it’s not true.”
Drew could only hold him and shake his head, his own tears blinding his vision. “I’m so sorry, Jordy. I loved him; we all did.”
Jordan’s shoulders slumped. “I’m being punished because I’m a bad person. I was cruel and heartless to you and Ash. I’m sorry, Drew. I’m so sorry I said those things about Ash. I know how much you love him.”
Drew stiffened, hoping Ash hadn’t heard, but Ash was staring out of the window, lost in a world of his own. “I haven’t told him.”
Jordan sat up and took him by the shoulders. His eyes were wide and almost feverish in the brightness. “Tell him, tell him tonight. You see how life is? How one minute you’re alive and the next you’re gone.” His breath caught on a sob. “I didn’t tell Keith today that I loved him. I always told him every morning, but not today. Now he’ll never know.”
“Oh, he knew, Jordy, and he loved you so much. He told me so tonight.” Drew soothed his friend, holding him close.
“He did?” Jordan’s hopeful face broke Drew’s heart all over again.
“He did, and he knew how much you loved him. Your love will last forever.”
“How am I going to live without his touch, without holding him at night?” Jordan broke down all over again. “I miss him so much already.”
At the tap on his shoulder, Drew turned to see the deeply grieving face of Keith’s partner, Jerry Allen.
“Let me take over for a while. My wife says I have broad shoulders to cry on.”
Jerry sank down next to Jordan and murmured in his ear, putting his arm around him. The rest of the police force, who’d been standing around waiting, all converged upon Jordan now, showing that famous blue wall of support. The police commissioner came in, as well as the mayor. Drew had heard the police department was one big family that came through in a family’s time of need, and this outpouring of support left no doubt Jordan would be taken care of.
Drew stood, his knees aching from the hard floor, and found himself crushed in Ash’s embrace. He let himself be wrapped up in the man’s overwhelming strength, soaking in the waves of heat coming off Ash’s body. “Baby, I told Mike to take your grandmother home. I called Mrs. Delaney and had her prepare a light meal and then told her to make sure she went to bed.”
