“Well, I know how you can make it up to me.”
“You’ll come over tonight, and we can finish what we started?” The pleading tone in his voice at one time would’ve made Ash’s skin crawl if he’d heard it from another man’s mouth. How quickly things changed, how he’d changed. But the fact remained that he wasn’t yet willing to let Drew slip out of his life.
“That’s not what I was thinking.”
With a sinking heart, he knew exactly what the good doctor was thinking. “Oh?” His casual tone didn’t fool himself. It certainly wouldn’t fool Drew.
“Look, Ash. Like I said earlier, aside from whatever this physical thing is between us, tonight disturbed me on so many levels.”
“There’s nothing to discuss.”
The frustration in Drew’s voice came through the phone receiver loud and clear. “Are you fucking kidding me? I know something terrible happened to you when you were young. Your arms are covered with self-inflicted scars, and you say there’s nothing to talk about?”
“It’s not for you to get involved in. It’s my personal life.”
“You are fucking unbelievable.” Drew laughed, but there was zero humor in him. “I shouldn’t get involved because it’s your personal life? Ash. My dick in your mouth is about as personal as two people can get with each other. Shit, if things had gone on…”
He swallowed hard, and Ash closed his eyes.
It seemed as if they were two immovable objects banging against one another, neither willing to give up an inch. Like a wave smashing against a rocky cliff, the wave would forever pound against that immovable wall, but the cliff would always stand strong and battle it back.
“It’s my life, Drew. There are certain parts of it I don’t share, not with you, not with anyone. I can’t.” He got off the bed and, still naked, pulled the curtain back and stared out the window. Park Avenue was already alive, even at this early morning hour, with the cabs beginning their early morning pickups.
“What are you afraid of? Can I at least ask that?”
Letting the curtain fall, he turned his back on the window and returned to the bed. “I don’t know. My whole life I’ve been afraid. When I was younger, I was afraid to be alone, without a family. Then when I was taken in”—his voice caught, and he coughed—“I was afraid for the younger boys in the house. After a while I became afraid of the person I was becoming.”
“What type of person? I’m not afraid of you, even though you try and hide behind a mask, like you don’t care about anyone or anything.” Drew’s comforting voice had Ash curling up in his bed, hugging the pillow to his chest. This was nice, talking to Drew, almost normal, but he knew it was all a facade.
“Someone without a soul. Someone who wouldn’t think twice about killing another person.”
“But I’m sure you had a reason.” No hesitation or doubt in Drew’s tone. Like he agreed with him and was restating the facts of a case like an attorney.
“My fear and selfish actions left my friends,my brothersalone with him and defenseless. I should’ve been stronger and fought back, or found another way to deal with it.” Funny how talking it out now released a bit of the tightness in his chest. For the first time in forever, he could breathe a little deeper.
“Ash, how old were you when all this happened?”
“I was eighteen when I left there.” Eighteen, scrawny, and scared to death. He’d never even been out of the small town in Georgia until he ran away that night.
“You were a kid, for Christ’s sake. Stop beating yourself up over it.”
“You don’t understand, Drew. I left because I couldn’t take it, and I knew if he kept coming to me, one night I was gonna kill him. So I left when I shoulda stayed and had it out with him.”
Drew scoffed. “Don’t be an asshole. You said the guy was a cop. He would’ve put you in jail or killed you himself and made it look like an accident.”
Visions of Luke’s tearstained face flooded his mind. He’d never forget how he’d pleaded with him not to go. “Maybe it would’ve been the best thing.” No more pain.
In the yawning silence from the other end of the phone, Ash’s heart throbbed in a gruesome concert with the throbbing in his cut arm.
“Is that why you do it? Hurt yourself.”
The man should’ve been a psychiatrist, not a plastic surgeon. Ash blew out a harried breath. “Drew, like I said before. You’re good, and I’m not. I’m bad, and if you get too close, bad things will happen to you. I should’ve stayed away from you, and from now on I will.” He looked at the clock. It was now almost six thirty in the morning. The room had lightened around him, and the angry honking of the cars on Park Avenue filtered even up to his floor. “I have to get ready for work. I’ll see you at the clinic.”
“But, Ash—”
“Bye, Drew.” He set the handset down on the bed and rolled over, still hugging the pillow, staring at nothing for a very long time.
Chapter Fourteen
