Ash needed several deep breaths of restorative air, before he finally answered her. “I was only a child, but I was made to do and see things that no one should have to endure.” He reached out to her, and she grabbed his hand. “I can’t speak about it, still. I want to, but seeing these kids now, helping them brings it all back into full focus.” Her little hand held his in a surprisingly warm, firm grip, and he held on to it as a lifeline for the moment.
“I haven’t been sleeping well, and today one of the kids got to me in a way that hasn’t happened in a long time. Drew found me, and it…well, let’s say it wasn’t my finest moment.”
Esther said nothing, merely held his hand, giving him a squeeze of support every now and then.
“I shouldn’t be telling you this, should I? That when Drew found me and comforted me and I…I…” He gulped nervously, embarrassed to continue, but what the hell. He’d come this far already; his humiliation might as well be complete. “I wanted him to hold me and not let go. For the first time in my life I wanted…I felt…” He dropped Esther’s hand, burying his face in his shaking palms. “Oh God, I’m so sick of life. It’s too much for me sometimes.”
“I know, dear boy—”
“I’m sorry, Esther, but you don’t know. You don’t know the deep dark hell that some people go through every day of their lives. The despair they feel that life is hopeless and why bother to get up in the morning.” He faced her, his eyes streaming. “You can’t understand.”
She sat silent for a while, her face turned toward the window. “How little you young people know about what my generation has seen. Or you do know but choose to forget.” Ash stared in silence as she pushed up the sleeve of her sweater to reveal the numbers tattooed on her arm.
His throat seized, and he lost the ability to speak. Not Esther, not this sweet, loving woman. How had she managed to make it out alive?
“Man’s inhumanity to man, they said.” Her voice quivered slightly. “I saw it all. I won’t burden you with my own tales of horror.” Finally she looked him full in the face, her eyes shining with tears. “But I know about despair. I know about fear.” Once again she reached out to him. This time he slipped down to sit at her feet, clasping her hand in his. “But one thing I never gave up was hope. When you give up hope, then you are truly lost. Never give up hope, darling Asher. Never.”
“What I hope for, Esther, can never come to pass.” A brush of his forearm over the wetness of his eyes cleared his vision in more ways than one. “I’m sure you want Drew to marry a nice woman, settle down, and have babies.”
Simply saying those words hurt his heart. Never in his life had he been more confused. This wasn’t him. His only goal had always been pleasure, whenever and wherever he could find it. To fuck and be fucked. Feelings, personal involvement, none of it ever entered his plans, but somewhere along the way, he’d gone off course, now with disastrous results.
Through the open window he heard a car door slam and Drew’s voice, along with his sister’s and his other friends’, drifted into the house. “Drew’s back. I don’t want him to see me like this, and I appreciate your willingness to keep our conversation private.”
“You have my word. But know one thing.” She stopped his departure from the room by the tone of her voice. “The only thing I want for my grandchildren is for them to be happy. They’ve had enough tragedy in their lives. However and whomever they choose to love and spend the rest of their lives with is up to them.” She walked out and left him, standing in shock.
* * * *
Drew thrust one of the bags of Chinese takeout into Jordan’s hands. “Here, make yourself useful and take this.”
“Chill out, man. What’s crawled up your ass?” Jordan hefted the bag and passed it to Mike. He reached for one of the others in Drew’s hand. “Here. Give me another one.”
Rachel pulled up in her car and beeped her horn. “Hey, guys.” She slammed the car door shut and ran over to give Drew a kiss. “How’s it going, D, Jordy?” She turned to say hello to Mike, who scowled at her. “What’s the matter with you?”
“You didn’t lock the car, did you? Didn’t I warn you last night—”
The bottom dropped out of Drew’s stomach. “Last night? How did you… Wait. You mean you two…” His gaze ricocheted between his best friend and his sister, both of whom wouldn’t meet his eye but were blushing bright red. He dropped the bag of food and pinned Mike against his car. “Sneaking around behind my back with my sister? What the fuck, Levin? You couldn’t come and tell me?”
Rachel pulled at his arms, crying in his ear. “Mike wanted to tell you, but I said not to.” Tears dripped down her cheeks. “We weren’t sneaking around; it sort of happened. Can’t you understand that?” Sniffling, she pressed against Mike’s chest, and Drew’s jaw tightened when his friend’s arms drew her close. “Haven’t you ever been unexpectedly attracted to someone before?”
“What’s going on out here?”
His gaze jerked to the front door of his grandmother’s house as he heard her calling out. She stood on the steps, peering over at them, Ash by her side, a frown twisting his lips.
“Everyone come inside, now.”
On silent feet they traipsed into the house and stood in the kitchen as Esther, with Ash standing next to her, grim and resolute as a granite-faced sphinx, flayed them with her tongue as if they were children, not grown men over thirty.
“What is the meaning of arguing in the street like common hoodlums? If you have a disagreement, you come inside and discuss it like civilized people.” Her gaze shifted to Drew, and he swallowed hard, uncomfortable at being the first under her sharp regard.
“I gather she told you about her and Michael.”
Stunned, he lost the power of speech momentarily. “She…she told you?” He raked his sister with an accusing glare, watching her wilt against Mike. “I thought we were closer than that.”
“Oh no, don’t try and make her feel guilty.” Nana’s voice cut through him like a whip. “There are some things women talk about with each other first, before we discuss them with men. Do you know Rachel’s main concern was how you would react? It wasn’t the happiness of being in love. It was about you.”
He shoved his hands in his jeans pockets and kicked the toe of his sneaker back and forth across the kitchen floor. This was the last thing he’d ever expected. Mike? Fun-loving, hard-partying Mike? With his little sister? From the corner of his eye he could see the tenderness with which his friend held Rachel, soothing her as she buried her face in his shoulder. His gaze then rested on Ash, who also concentrated on Mike and Rachel, but with a confused and uncertain expression.
But Nana wasn’t finished. “Who are you, Drew, to tell your sister or anyone who they should love? This isn’t the same thing as when she warned you about that snake you were marrying. She was truly a bad person. But Michael?” She gave him a fond look, and Drew remembered how much Nana loved his two friends and how she’d visited Mike as often as she could in the hospital during his recovery. “Michael is a wonderful young man who loves her.”
