It wasn’t the reason I wanted this baby, but it came to mind after mama had given me the news that would change the course of my life. Especially if, once Matteo settled down about it all, he really started thinking about it. Then Nonno might bring up how Rocco, Dario, and Romeo came into the world and…
I refused to think about that too.
Only positive thoughts.
I told mama this, about the positive thought train, and even though I could tell she agreed with Matteo more than me, she was still trying to keep a positive outlook for my sake. We’d been taking a walk one morning when she’d sighed, a cloud of smoke blowing from her mouth from the cold, and said to me, “Bestie boo, I’ve been thinking about things. Really thinking about things, you know? And…it came back to me, what you told me the day you convinced me that this life was right for you.You were right, baby. You were born for Matteo, and he was born for you. And since this baby is going to be a boy, I know it, our generational curse will be cured. Matteo will do that for you. He’ll do that for us.”
I hadn’t thought about it that way. That if this baby was a boy, he wouldn’t have to worry about what a girl would—inheriting the same thing mama had, the same thing I had lurking inside of my body.
It didn’t seem like anything in my husband’s eyes, lately, was positive though. That story Scarlett had told me, how Brando was there during the pregnancy but terrified of what it could do to her, was coming to life through my husband. These men were not used tonotbeing in control, and when it came to the women they loved, it made them even more controlled on the outside, but on the inside…there was a wild sense of recklessness that could be felt through their touch.
Matteo was more withdrawn, more serious than ever. And for him, a little of that went a long way. He had always been serious. Focused on leading the family. Doing all the right things for it. But it seemed like all that intense focus and determination turned on me.
Magpie told me Nonno did the same thing when he found out about her diagnosis. She was doing well, and all the cancerous cells had been removed, but Nonno’s view of life had changed. He was giving up the family, setting the crown on Rocco’s head, to focus on her only.
But there was a difference. Luca and Magpie were much older. Matteo was in his prime, just starting to test out the shoes he’d one day wear every day. He had an entire life ahead of him to do what he was passionate about. I mean, I wasn’t sure where life was going to take us with this scary thing hovering, but I could also get in a car and die in an accident. I refused to live my life obsessing over tomorrow when I couldn’t even control today.
There was a lesson in what Matteo had taught me when I had run away from him that night in the underground club.
Seize the moment.
It was all we had.
Maybe I would have been free earlier from the Nemours and the Russians; then again, maybe one of us might have died that night.
Who was to say?
And that was the point my husband refused to see. I understood that not having the procedure right away might cause something to happen, but then again, what if I did the procedure and had to live with never knowing whether everything would have been fine after I had our baby?
It was possible, and that was all there was to it.
I was having Matteo Fausti’s baby.
The thought sent a feeling through me—a warm rush that lingered and made me excited and sleepy at the same time.
It felt like I could live on sleep lately, and it was so peaceful, it was like melting into a mattress made of clouds, with the cleanest sheets that smelled like a subtle hint of lavender and eucalyptus. And the excitement was the kind that makes the butterflies dance in the pit of the stomach, while the sensation rushed up the chest to the heart.
It was the way I’d felt when I’d first seen Matteo, except this time, it didn’t turn into fear, no matter how worried I should be that any day, something could go wrong.
“Ready?” I asked Matteo as he walked into our room, stopping by the bed to kiss my forehead.
The best way I could describe my husband after he found out about the baby, and that I lied to him… There was a meme Mia had shared with me. It showed a couple on a park bench, and they refused to face each other, their faces mad, but the husband still held an umbrella over the wife’s head as it rained.
He touched me, kissed me, made love to me, refused to let me do almost everything, especially picking anything up or reaching for anything, but…there was distance between us. Part of it was that I’d lied to him; the other part was that he wasn’t thrilled with the timing of the baby. And what I’d said about his family? About him having children to fulfill part of the obligation…it didn’t go over as well as I’d thought it would. I thought bringing into focus his family would lighten the situation a bit. But it almost seemed like he…resented me, somewhat, for it.
I’d never been afraid of Matteo Fausti since the moment I woke up and he was there sitting next to me. But when we were in that poor doctor’s office, and he kept repeating those five words,you fucking lied to me, a sense of terror appeared out of nowhere inside of me.
He wasn’t fucking around.
I knew he’d never hurt me, but that anger needed an outlet. That poor doctor’s office was destroyed. It was like the light had been turned off in my husband’s eyes, but I was still there.
He nodded in response to my question. “I’ll bring the bags to the car.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
He leaned over me, studying my face, our eyes connecting, but he left and grabbed the bags from our closet. It was time to start filming the movie in the abandoned town. Noemi wanted the background to be a crucial part of Valentina’s story of growth. Valentina arrives in the town in the winter, and by spring, her life would mimic the transformation of the town from desolate to fertile.
I thought maybe it would be good for us to get a way for a bit. I hadn’t been sure how Nonno was going to feel about Matteo accompanying me, though. The family was going through a lot. But he’d nodded and said for Matteo to go. He still ruled the family.
