Fuck.
I pulled out of the driveway and hit the gas, looking for a quiet spot to be alone with my thoughts. I ventured deeper onto the property, but before I could go any further, the guard driving the off-road vehicle behind me hit the horn. I ignored him, because…where was I going to go? Over the fucking wall?
But then the road narrowed some, and it turned into deeply settled, packed dirt. I was hitting holes that I thought might suck the small car under. I came to a halting stop when a wall suddenly appeared in front of me. It wasn’t tall enough to hide the top of whatever was behind it. It looked like the top of a colosseum.
The first guard driving had parked behind me, and he ran toward my car. The second guard in the passenger seat stepped out, watching the road behind us.
I didn’t even know this guard. “Signora Fausti,” he said in a respectful voice. “We will turn around now.”
It wasn’t a question, but an order spoken with respect.
“I can’t go any further,” I whispered. “I’ll just sit here.”
He studied my face, and his eyes were soft. “I will drive you to a nicer spot.”
After a second, I nodded and, keeping my dress down, slid over to the passenger seat.
Rules.
Rules were that if we were out and in the “city,” we had to dress like we belonged to this family. With respect. Something Nonno calledla bella figura. I didn’t mind it. My clothes were truly beautiful and comfortable, but it didn’t make this moment any easier on me. The clothes couldn’t stop me from falling apart on the inside.
The first guard said something to the second guard, then took the driver’s seat. I could see that the second guard was speaking. Probably had someone on the phone.
The drive to the more scenic spot didn’t take long, and the first guard got back into the off-road vehicle, giving me privacy. I didn’t even care about the view. I hugged the steering wheel, thinking about what I’d have to do soon.
Be prepared for news I was not prepared for.
If, like mom had said,ifwe had to cross that bridge.
But I could mentally see that bridge up ahead, though, and it seemed like it was getting closer and closer to me, and what I was seeing was on fire.
Because something nagged at me. Something Matteo had told me.
Luca had a first wife, from an arrangement, and she couldn’t have children. Brando was created out of love, and it all worked out between Luca and Maggie, but the rest of his children were from different women. Rocco, Dario, and Romeo all had different mothers. It was impossible to tell, because all of Luca’s sons were different versions of him, but Brando’s brothers were conceived after Brando with the different women. Luca had agreed to the arrangements to keep the lineage going.
What if…what if I couldn’t have children? What if, to save Matteo’s place in line, I would have to agree to something like that? Or would I be able to sacrifice that for him? Giving him up to just the act of intercourse with other women for the sake of his love for the Fausti family? His grandfather was a traditionalman, in some ways, and I wasn’t sure if harvesting my eggs and using a surrogate would even be accepted.
My head was shaking before my mind was even finished with the thoughts.
I refused to—couldn’t—live with that.
“Baby.”
A sigh that held so much weight released from my chest. Then my eyes rose to meet his.
He opened the door to the car, lifted me out, and walked us home. My head was tucked into the crook of his neck so no one else could see my face. It was beyond tears. It was frozen in fear.
The house was empty, and that both comforted and haunted me. I wanted to be alone with my husband so he could make me feel stronger with just the determined look in his eyes. But it was also a reminder of what might be for us.
An empty house without children’s laughter.
After he set me down on our bed, he undressed me, then grabbed some comfy lounge clothes from our closet. He dressed me, then went into the bathroom and wet a washcloth. He sat next to me, gently washing my face, before he flung the rag into the bathroom.
He was angry but trying to hide it.
“Why are you mad?” I whispered.
He shook his head and ran his hand tenderly down my face. “I should have been there for that fucking conversation.”
