Which was why guilt was gnawing at my conscience.
All those years, and however Cian imagined that moment playing out, it seemed to happen too fast. When he was staring at the oven that took the two men back to hell, it was like he’d been transfixed. The flames dancing in his stormy eyes had lit him up from within.
Again, though, I’d pulled him away from it, worried that he’d stop talking. That he’d hide deep within himself to find safety, and all would go quiet.
I sighed, because even though I knew it was irrational of me, I wasn’t sure if it was to him. He became inward after, keeping to himself, hardly saying a word. Even after a month had gone by.
Keenan told me to give him time.
Fiona told me to give him time.
Delaney noticed but didn’t say anything, only held my hand whenever she would come over to help me cook dinner. She was so excited about the babies that she could barely stand it. She was already bringing over designing magazines for inspiration for the nursery.
She thought I was being too quiet about it all.
One day, while we unpacked groceries in the new kitchen, she took my hand. “I don’t know what happened after my wedding, but…both of you have changed,” she whispered. “Let me just say this. You can carry a grudge with you for your entire life, but death is not going to change how you feel. It’s not going to make it better. Death doesn’t kill the hurt. It lingers, Mae. It might even feel worse. I know this from experience. I carried so much hurt and anger around for that abuser, and after I found out he died, you know what I did?”
I shook my head.
“I fucking cried.” She wiped her eyes, turning away from me for a second. When she turned back, her cheeks were damp. “Yeah, I cried for him, how about that? Or I thought I was crying for him. It took me hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars’ worth of therapy for me to figure this out…I wasn’t crying for him, per se, but for the entire situation. Some situations have no closure unless we heal the holes emotionally. Because the loss is so senseless. Why did he have to beat me in the first place, Mae? Why couldn’t he just love me? Those are the questions that haunt me, still sometimes, because they’ll never have answers. I’m sure whatever Cian is going through…it’s the same for him, even if he doesn’t fully understand it.”
Her words made sense to me, even if I knew Keenan and Fiona wouldn’t get it either. Those awful men had to go for safety reasons—Oran Craig too—but I knew Delaney was right. Death didn’t mean automatic healing. It might mean being torn open even wider.
Nothing was going to heal the pain because his parents and his brother or sister were never coming back, no matter how many times he killed the men who did it.
Maybe Cian was feeling guilty because of that, wondering why it hadn’t stopped the pain of losing his family. Oran Craig wouldn’t stop it either once he was gone.
Maybe Cian thought if he had been able to savor it…he would feel the satisfaction he always dreamed of feeling, but he had to come after me. It was rushed.
I sighed again. My husband’s mind was a mystery that I was having a hard time solving these days. He was closed off, not letting anyone in.
“I would offer you a penny for your thoughts, but I have an idea where your mind is.” Keely, Cash’s wife, nodded toward the window I was looking out of.
Boston had turned white with snow, the dark bark of winter turning the tree trunks and branches onyx, the leaves sealed in ice diamonds. Smoke purled in the distance from some far-off fire. The kitchen even smelled smoky, and like the clam chowder and fresh baked bread I’d made for Kee, Cash, and their two kids, CeeCee and Ryan.
After the situation with Keely’s brother, Lachlan, had been somewhat settled, Cash came back to speak to Cian, who he still called Cillian sometimes. Except Kee, as she told me to call her, wanted to come too. She was a fierce redhead with eyes as blue as an empyrean sky. She was tall and statuesque, and she seemed to take zero shit from anyone. Keenan had told me she was one of the most dangerous archers alive. I could believe it. I could tell life never ran her, but the other way around.
Whatever was on her mind, she didn’t hold back, but she wasn’t overbearing. She was fun, and I was glad to have her around.
Cian and Cash were out in the yard with the kids. Argus and Grania were barking like mad, thoroughly enjoying CeeCee throwing the ball for them.
“Stall the ball.” Kee used the Irish term, basically meaning,hold up, then laughed some. “Do those men cut fine figures or what?”
“You don’t have to ask me twice,” I breathed out, fogging the window.
“I didn’t think I would.” Kee claimed her seat at the table, going for her cup of tea. “I know we don’t know each other well, but I’d like to. I’m sure Cash will have business in Boston, and Cian will have business in New York sooner or later, but…I’d like to keep in touch even more than that. Cash doesn’t have much family. It seems like Cian doesn’t either. It would be nice for our kids to grow up close.”
“I’d love that,” I whispered. “I don’t have a big family either. My dad, Delaney—the woman I worked for at the bookstore—and her husband, Keenan and Fiona…we have them close, but I really enjoyed our lunch.”
“Me too! The food was soo good.” Kee smiled, studying my face. “These men are not always the easiest to live with, especially when they’re determined to end something. I can tell Cian is determined to end whatever is going on in his city. Especially after what happened with Lach.”
That was a mess, and I’d only heard bits and pieces of it, but Lachlan had worked for Oran Craig for a short period of time. Somehow diamonds were thrown into the mix, and Oran had agreed to trade Lachlan for them after he found him in Ireland and brought him back to Boston. Except something went awry when Lachlan took Oran’s men to wherever the diamonds were supposed to be hidden in New York. Oran flew back to Boston—figuratively and metaphorically speaking. Then it was all about getting Dermot back, which was why Oran set fire to our house.
Or part of the reason.
I was learning in this war that it was hit for hit, which was why I assumed Cash had come to speak to his cousin. Cian had made good on his end of the bargain, but it seemed like Cash wanted to help, since he had it in for Oran too.
Deep down, though, I thought Cash just liked Cian and wanted to see how he was doing, cousin to cousin.
