“I don’t feel good, mom!”
“You’re a liar.”
“I’m not!”
“Shut up, Ava! Just. Shut. The. Fuck. Up!” She stops and pinches the bridge of her nose again. Then she’s shoving me, and my feet twist and I fall.
As I’m going down, I reach out my hand and cry, “Wait, mommy!”
She looks down at me after I hit. “See? See what you’ve done! If you would just listen to me, this wouldn’t have happened.”
Tears are sliding down my cheeks, and I don’t even know where they came from. I just don’t…feel good. I want to cry really bad. Sob it all out. I just want her to hold me, but she’s so angry. She leans down and picks me up by the shirt, setting me on my feet. She shoves me in the back and makes me walk on my own.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“You should be. One day, you will understand how this feels. To have kids of your own who are ingrates. A woman needs to be set free. Marriage and kids are a filthy cage. You know what happens to a bird when it’s caged, Ava? It goes crazy! I’m going crazy here. Sonny is the worst husband, and his kids are just like him. Always needing me!”
“I’m sorry,” I repeat because she’s talking about me and Luci and dad. I don’t know how to not need her. I don’t know why I just can’t sleep. I don’t know why I feel so sick.
She mumbles about marriage and how she hates him and how he’s killing her spirit.
Dad is killing her spirit?
Maybe that’s why she’s hurting so bad?
She’s so angry and sad. It’s kind of scary, but I don’t want to be afraid of her because she’s my mom. She lets us watch television and eat anything we want, even sweets. I go for the fruity candy, and Luci always goes for the chocolate. Luci’s always so happy when we’re eating candy. And that makes me feel good, because I don’t want her to be sad, either.
“How did I do this to myself?” She starts to sob. “How did I let him knock me up? He did this on purpose to TRAP ME! I HATE MY LIFE!”
“Mom.” I tug on her hand. She’s crying even louder. “It’s okay.”
She flings her hand away from me and accidentally slaps me in the head. She doesn’t seem to notice. But it stings really bad from the ring she’s wearing.
“If you remember anything about me at all, remember my face right now.” Her makeup is running down her cheeks in black ribbons. “This is what being locked in a cage looks like. It suffocates you! Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Don’t let a man trap you and knock you up! Fucking Sonny Girardi and his spawns!”
She runs toward the room with our snow globes on the mantle. Dad had given one to me and one to Luci. Luci is more into the dolls he brings home, but I love the snow globes. There’s an entirely new world inside of it, and I like to make up stories about what’s going on. And he showed me if I turned it upside down, the snow starts to swirl.
“Look,” he’d said, shaking it up. “The snow is like chaos in this world, but no matter how bad it gets, it always settles, Ava Bird.”
A crash brings me out of the thought, and I scream when I realize…Mom took a snow globe and smashed it against the wall. I try to tug on her arm before she grabs the other one, but she’s too fast and too strong.
My foot suddenly burns.
I look down.
Blood.
The glass cut me.
She’s looking at it, too, but she’s not doing anything.
She rushes toward our room, telling me I shouldn’t have been playing with glass, that Sonny should have never bought such ridiculous things for kids...
I rush behind her, leaving a blood trail on the floor.
She gets to Luci’s bed, and I take her arm to stop her. I don’t want her to hurt my sister like she did the snow globes. Maybe she might pull at her arms and hit her like she accidently hit me. I think my head might be bleeding too. It feels like water is running down it, but I don’t have time to feel for it. I need to get mom to stop before Luci gets hurt. Mom flings me off again, and taking Luci by the shoulder, starts to shake her awake.
“Lucila!” she screams. “Wake up! Wake up!”
