It was like the truth punched me in the head, and everything I remembered about that time flew around in shattered pieces. Behind those pieces were memories that I had blocked out, and snippets of things I hadn’t remembered in years stepped forward.
Or maybe after Luci had said it—about us being drugged—everything came into focus.
“You were sick because you were having withdrawals,” I said.
“Yeah.”
“I’d been sick a time or two too.”
She nodded. “Sonny had confronted her about it before, after Molly brought it to his attention and the school started asking questions. Janis said she wasn’t giving us that much. Used a few excuses. We started having some issues when she stopped, and maybe we were getting on her nerves because we were sick and whining. Or maybe going out was too much of a temptation for her and she had no one to leave us with. Whatever the reason, or reasons…she started giving us stuff again.”
“Sonny ran her off.”
“From what I hear, he was going to kill her. I think he gave her the benefit of the doubt before he knew for sure. I mean, what kind of woman drugs her kids, right? He was having a hard time believing it, but that day…he was out for blood.”
“For us.”
“Yeah, and maybe a little for himself. She’d been screwing around behind his back—withmanymen.”
“Why the fuck didn’t he tell us this, Luci?”
She set her hands against the sides of her cup. “He doesn’t even know we know. He didn’t want us to know, because…I think he didn’t want to hurt us that bad. He wanted us to think he’d ran her off, so we wouldn’t think our own mom didn’t love us.”
“He let us hate him all this time.”
“He did—out of love. I mean, Sonny is not going to win any awards for being the best dad of all time, but he cares, in his own way.”
“The day he got hit by the car…that’s the day he stopped working.”
She took a sip of her drink and nodded. “Or shortly after. My memories are a little blurry. The man was going to kill him with his car, but he only got the chance to hit him once. Sonny still sustained injuries from it.”
“All those times he gambled…”
“I think he was doing it for us. Hoping he’d win to help out.” She looked toward her husband and their eyes met. “Lilo’s known about this since the day he met you in the principal’s office, but I didn’t find out until right before we left New York. The way I feel about chocolate, Ava…”
“That’s your substitute addiction.”
Her eyes met mine. “Yeah.” The word seemed to float out. “And I think…you have them too. Or had them. A lot of them. We carried with us what she left behind in us.”
I turned my eyes to my cup, watching as steam wafted from the hot liquid into the chilled air. “How is he? Sonny?”
“Going home,” she said. “Bonny is helping take care of him.”
“Good,” I said, and the word was strangled. I sighed. “Now I know why you said I’d regret that conversation we had.”
“I didn’t mean to—”
“You were right.”
“If it makes you feel any better, I regret a lot when it comes to Sonny too. I took care of him out of obligation, but I had my own resentment toward him. I was just silent about it.”
I had been, too, but Lucila was right. Her resentment sat quietly stored in a jar in a dark place. Mine had been hitting the lid, desperate to get out, a rabid bat going for his blood.
“Lilo has put things in perspective for me too. We were just kids, Ava. Kids who didn’t have a clue what was really going on. We were probably dazed most of the time, then,BAM, our mom is gone, and we have no clue what the fuck is going on. Sonny becomes almost like a…zombie after, and he thinks he’s doing it to protect us. It’s a lot to take in, especially as a kid. Now that we’re adults, though, we realize…most people, even a parent like Sonny, are just doing the best with the hands life deals. We can get angry, blame, cry and scream, but there comes a day when we own that our life didn’t start the best, then move on and make sure we do better.”
My mind and heart were in chaos, and I couldn’t iron all of this out while sitting in a festive piazza, beautiful Italian families out smiling and laughing.
Like I did the night of the event in Venice, I felt eyes on me.
