“Why?” I whispered.
He shrugged. “We didn’t want you to feel any pressure. Things happen when they’re supposed to.”
My eyes narrowed. He was being much too cool about this.
“Your calmness is scaring me,” I said in Italian. And I meant it.
He sighed. It was heavy, and I felt it in the center of my chest. “You’re my life, Mia,” he said. “But children don’t come with handbooks. Each one is different. And as much as I fuc—hate that this is happening at all…You deserve love.”
It took me a second to respond because I knew what he wasn’t saying. I deserved a love like his and mamma’s.
“That’s not you saying that,” I said. “That’s mamma.”
He stared into my eyes, trying to find something. I refused to let him.
“She speaks for me,” he said, “when I don’t have the words.”
“What else did she say?”
“She wouldn’t allow me to cause a crack in our family’s foundation because of love.”
Ah, so he had been mad. She’d brought him down, as usual.
“What are your words?” I said, squeezing the football. “I want to hear them.”
“My words are hers. She’s right, Mia.”
“She’s always right,” I said. “That’s not what I’m asking.”
“Tell me what you’re asking of me, my heart,” he said in Italian.
“I—” I had to take a deep breath. I released it in awhoosh. “I want you to tell me that this is wrong. That I’m too young. That I have an entire life to live before I think about settling down. I have things to experience and enjoy without having my mind scrambled by an all-consuming love. I have so much life to live before I marry a man who I won’t be able to live without!”
His eyes narrowed against mine. “Are you thinking straight now?”
I flung the football as hard as I could in the distance. I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath, even though all I’d done was throw a football.
“No,” I said. “I’m not.” Even though I didn’t shout, my voice trembled with anger…uncertainty…fear. “This decision…” How did I even say this? “It should be simple. So uncomplicated. It’s not. It’s the biggest thing I’ve ever faced, and it only grows every day.”
He nodded, like he completely understood, but he didn’t add anything. We’d had a similar conversation years ago, after mamma almost died and he found out that the connection between me and Saverio was one he could understand.
Of course he did. He shared one with mamma.
He cleared his throat. “Look at me, Mia.”
When I did, I had a hard time controlling the tremble of my chin.
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. You can do whatever you want. The choices of your life are up to you. That’s why mamma gave you life—so you can live it.”
“You make it seem so simple,” I said.
“Because it is.”
“It’s not!”
“Tell me why.”
“Because…strings! That’s why. Sometimes what we sayyesto can’t be undone. And thatyescan doom other people. Sometimes thatyesis selfish. It only thinks aboutus.”
