“Are you inside of my head today?”
“No, and I can’t read your face either,amica. For eyes as blue as yours are, you’d think anyone could. You were either born with the ability to fool the world, or you learned it over the years. Either way, I’m just talking out of my head today. Before the monster left, he told me we needed to go shopping. So that’s whyhe’sinside of my head. We just happen to be thinking of him at the same time but for different reasons.”
“He wants us to go shopping?”
“Yeah,” she said. “He said for you to buy everything and he’ll put the money in your account after you do. He also left us a new car to use.”
“He’s giving us an alibi,” I said. He was giving me an excuse to use when I got back to Club D, especially after Ben was on his way to my condo.
“Seems like it.” She looked around. “This place is probably not even under his real name. Probably paid cash for it so it can’t be traced. No respectful guy in this life has less than five phony IDs and more than a couple of fake social security numbers.” She laughed. “I bet Assanti never had a legit one. He’s probably not even a legal citizen. I heard he came from Sicily when he was a kid. His mamma was from Naples and his Pop from Palermo.”
That was the most personal thing I’d ever heard about him. I knew what the man looked like naked, how he felt buried deep inside of me, all the noises he made when he lost control, but I had no clue when his birthday was, or how he liked his eggs—scrambled or fried or poached? Maybe he preferred an omelet or hated eggs altogether.
That was the kind of shit that kept me up at night.
I stared at Cilla for a second before I cleared my throat. “Do you think—” I took a sip of coffee, stalling. Maybe it was stupid to even ask.
“Do I think what?”
“It keeps me up at night. Thoughts about him. I wonder…so much about him. I know him, but I don’t. In some ways it matters. In others it doesn’t. How do you tell the difference between obsession and love?”
“You’re being that girl,” she almost sang. “But since we live in a world where love is a dangerous business, we often want it to be something…less. Obsession is almost just as dangerous as love. They sort of go hand in hand in this life. Or become interchangeable because possession is everything.”
“That doesn’t really answer my question,” I said.
“How am I supposed to know?” she said. “I’m in the same boat. I mean, I love Joey, but we’re still young, so romance books fill in the rest for me. And to me, and countless characters, love feels like a fire. A raging, out of control inferno. It burns through everything, because everything gets tangled with it, you know? Obsession. Jealousy. A high so addicting that wheneverthatperson walks into the room, or just comes to mind, it makes us euphoric. So honestly, I’ve come to believe true love is what’s left when it burns through the rest.
“Like…it’s what’s left when the attraction dims, when life goes at you so hard, you wonder if you can survive another day, butthatperson, the person who made you feel everything, is still there, but carrying you until you have the energy to take another step. It’s still wanting to cut a bitch, even after years of being together, when you think she’s flirting with your man. Or wanting to hurthimwhen you think he might have feelings for someone else. It’s watching stupid movies, or cooking together, and feeling content in the small moments, when there’s so many things you can do that the world labels more…exciting. It’s fucking like animals but being vulnerable enough to make love too. That’s what love is to me. That’s the kind of love I demand.”
She had me at fire.
Which was what Aniello had told me to do with the note I found on top of my bag in his closet after I read it—burn it.
Cilla can have the car after, but you drive to Desolation.
I need you safe.
That was how he ended the note before he told me to burn it.
I need you safe.
Those four words warmed me more than the fire coming from the note as it turned to ashes.
All his needs had to do with me.
I need to sleep.
I need all of you.
I need you safe.
The thought of him kept me warm the entire day as Cilla and I shopped and then had dinner before we headed back to Desolation.
The radio played in the background as the tires burned the miles between where we’d been and where we were headed.
Bambina slept in the back seat. Cilla sat next to me with her phone out. It lit up her face as she did whatever she was doing.
“Ooohshit!” she said suddenly.
