“She has a name,” I said, my heart pounding and my stomach dipping because he was still next to me. It was a rush that made me feel breathless. If I had any addictions, it would have been my favorite.
Maybe that’s why people say falling in love is dangerous. It isn’t actually the love, but the falling part.
Love.The word slipped right out of my thoughts, like it’d been there all along. My mind just needed a reason to admit it. It made total sense to me. If I was willing to disavow and die for this man, wouldn’t that automatically mean we loved each other? Or was it different for me?
He’d admitted to me at Club D that he’d stop caring about death a long time ago. So maybe he had decided that since they were going after him anyway, he’d give in to desire and have me?
More than the thought of his feelings being different from mine, about why we wanted this, the thought of something happening to him made me feel panicked. It was like nothing I’d ever felt before. I was starting to realize that so many of my firsts—and firsts again—were happening with him. He was making me feel things I’d never dreamed I could feel. I was helpless to stop any of it.
“È ridicolo.Bambina.”
It took me a second to concentrate on him. “Ridiculous? Bambina? Why? It’s Italian.”
“Makes no difference. She needs a real name. Not a pet one.”
I laughed a little to hide my true feelings. “Sheisa pet.”
“Not to you.”
My eyes started to burn. I had to fight the urge not to cry. He was right. She was more than just a pet to me. Like he was more than just a gangster to me.
We both became quiet. Maybe he fell back asleep.
I rubbed a finger over my nail, really trying to concentrate so I wouldn’t cry. “Angelia,” I whispered after a few minutes. “Even though she’s not going to know the name.”
“Still a real name,” he said.
I looked down at him as a tear slipped from cheek on to his. I wiped the other one away before it could fall and turned forward.
“Ooo!” A breathless noise escaped my mouth as he pulled me down beside him. I hadn’t even felt or seen him move.
I could barely make out the features of his face from the faint glow of light, but I could feel the intensity of his eyes.
He said nothing as his thumb dried the trail the tear had left. Then he turned the thumb toward his lips and put it in his mouth. He seemed to know that tears on my cheeks were as rare as blood there.
So much seemed to echo from his body to mine, feelings, not words, and I could feel it in him.
Hesitation again.
I was so in over my head with him, with whatever existed between us, that the breathless feeling increased and made me lightheaded. If he had been wearing a shirt, I would have fisted it in my palms to steady myself. Instead, I placed my hands against his chest, pressing against his heart, trying to count the beats. His heart was pounding as fast and as hard as mine.
A loud knock on my door startled me.
“Rosalia?” Cilla’s mouth was pressed close to the door. “You in there,amica?”
Bambina was already at the door, running in circles, her tail wagging. Her nails clicked against the floor, and I knew Cilla could hear.
“Yeah,” my voice came out as a whisper. I cleared my throat. “Yeah,” I said a little louder.
“Okay. I thought...” Her voice trailed and she sighed. “Okay.”
Then everything went quiet again.
Her voice was off. She didn’t sound pissed, like I thought she would be, but totally defeated.
“I better go check on her.” I tried to move, but his grip was still as strong as titanium. When I realized he wasn’t letting go, I whispered, “What?”
With his free hand, he touched his lips.
