She shrugged. “I don’t really know him. I’ve only met him once or twice. There was nothing between us. No attraction.Niente. He could be a good guy, but I doubt it, given his line of work and everything. But that’s not really the point. I hate him on principal. I hate him for agreeing to marry me when he doesn’t love me either. I’m going to be like a symbol to him. Something that shows how well a transaction between two families went down. Then he’s going to be fucking a bunch ofgoomahswhile I’ll probably be knocked up and taking care of his kids.”
“That might be a good thing? He won’t be around a lot.”
She pushed her plate away. “You’re so desensitized to every piece of poison this life feeds you, you don’t realize how wrong it is to say something like that—he won’t be around a lot, and that’s a good thing. I was brought up in this life, and after I fell in love, there was no gray area. It was black and white. Their bullshit against what should be. I mean, it’s like only having kids to make them clean up after you!” She stood abruptly, leaving her sandwich and the drink hardly touched. “I’m going to change for the market.”
“I thought we could do something else today. There’s a festival—”
Her face went pale before she shouted, “What? NO! We—you have to go to the shelter!”
She said it with such vehemence that it made me narrow my eyes at her. “You meet him—Joey. That’s why you go to the market.”
“If you tell on me, I swear, Rosalia, I willneverdo another show for you again!”
“You lied to me,” I said, nothing joking about my tone. “You’ve been lying to me.”
“Only because I didn’t want to get you into trouble. I swear! If I got caught, it was on me, not you. You don’t deserve to get caught up in our mess.”
“How many times has he come here?”
“Once, a day before Assanti showed up. Remember the new doorman? He believed that Joey was my brother. I told him he was. He looked at the picture once and let him in.”
“The doorman who no longer works here.”
“Yeah, him.” She crossed her arms over her chest and stuck up her chin. “Are you going to tell on me or not?”
I didn’t say anything, because I wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t have children. I had no experience with them. I was old enough to know that, at her age, they probably wanted to run wild, do their own things, find out who they were. This life was so programmed in me, though, that those thoughts never crossed my mind until after Cilla moved in. I probably would have never even considered them if it wasn’t for the accident.
Maybe I hadn’t paid much attention to my moods, but I took notice of hers. She was so different in a world of the same. I admired her for it, but it also made me anxious. It was like she was okay with being a martyr.
“Please,” she whispered. “Don’t tell.”
“I’m not going to tell,” I said, and I wasn’t sure if this was considered giving in or not. Caving to her because I didn’t want to see her hurt. I’d probably be a sucky parent. Because even though she’d broken rules, I hated to hear her sound so defeated. But I also knew what was at stake. “But! You have to stop this. You have to say goodbye to him, Cilla. If not, they’re going to kill him. Or worse, you might get hurt.”
“That’s not worse,” she said. “If something happens to him…” She wiped her eyes, but no tears fell. “That would be a relief if something happens to me too. I can’t live without him.”
I grabbed her by the arms, wanting to shake her, but instead, brought her close to me, hugging her as tightly as I could. “Sometimes loving means we have to make heartbreaking decisions,” I whispered. “If you truly love Joey, let him go. Let him go,” I said more forcefully. “Because if you don’t, I am telling Assanti. Because that’s how much I love you. Enough to sell you out so nothing happens to my show girl.”
* * *
Cilla staredout of the window as we drove away from the house where we’d dropped off Bambina.
Bambina’s vet, Dr. Sharon, dog sat for me whenever I needed someone to watch her. Bambina had been to see her since she was a puppy, and every time we would go, Bambina loved to play with her dog, Mickey. They were around the same size and the same age, and it almost seemed like a crush.
Dr. Sharon offered to have dog dates, or if I ever needed anyone to watch Bambina for a while, it would be great to have her. It made me feel safe to have someone like her take care of my girl, and Bambina loved to go. She loved Mickey as much as he loved her.
Cilla’s silence made me anxious, though. She was never this quiet. She usually babbled on about how ridiculous I was to have convinced a vet to take care of my dog, and I wondered if Cilla’s mood had to do with the fact that she had somehow involved me in what she knew was wrong. Or if she was simply thinking about having to say goodbye to Joey.
She sat in her seat, hand on the door, as I pulled up to the market. It was flooded with people, and I realized how clever she was for finding such a busy spot to meet Joey. She could weave in and out without much notice—and then leave without really being seen.
“You don’t have to worry about picking me up,” she said, still staring out of the window. “I’ll catch a ride home from wherever he drops me off.”
“I know,” I said. “You already told me.”
“Sometimes you’re lost in your own world, Rosalia,” she said. “You don’t always listen to, or remember, what’s going on in this one.”
“I have a lot going on,” I said.
“No, you’re trying to remember too hard. Maybe you should let go for a while. See if the memories find you instead. Just let things…flow.” She looked over my outfit, a low-back black bodysuit, a pair of cut-off jean shorts, and sandals. “That outfit says I’m just a girl wanting to have fun. So be that girl,amica. Be the girl who just wants to live outside of the confines of her life for a while and does it.” With that, she was out of the door, getting lost in the crowd a minute later.
