Snapping out of the meandering stupor that had hypnotized me, I turned to find Vincenzo staring at me.
He had insisted on bringing our bags in when we first arrived, so that all of us could enter together. He refused to leave me alone. Whether it was from the threat hovering, or from a fear that his “charge” would run, who was to say? Since I refused to leave my baby behind, I refused to try to leave, so I wasn’t going anywhere.
“Where do we sleep?” I asked.
“Wherever you want. This place is yours.”
“No. It’s not. Home is where my family is. All of us.” I ventured in the direction of a room that seemed the most comfortable to me during the tour. It felt the warmest.
The bed was massive, with thick comforters and lots of pillows, and the ceiling had stretching wooden beams that seemed to come straight from the forest. A skylight had been carved out, and I sent up a quick prayer that I could see the stars from where I lay.
A nursery had been set up next door to it, with pale gray walls, a pink ceiling, and a crib designed for a princess, including a canopy. White wooden crosses that had been carved by hand hung alongside it. I didn’t feel comfortable leaving Mia alone in a strange place. But seeing it, the question came to me again. How long had this been planned?
Vincenzo followed us to the room, standing by the door. “He will be here soon.”
“How soon?”
“Soon enough.”
I sat in a rocking chair tucked into a corner, positioning Mia to nurse. “Could you?” I chucked my chin toward the door.
“I am not to leave you or the baby alone.”
“Turn around then.”
He took a seat on the bed, his back facing me.
Mia latched on right away, and I winced. Her teeth were sharp, and she didn’t care how hard she clamped down. Sometimes she giggled at me when I made a face. Tonight, she was too tired to do anything but eat and fall back asleep.
Setting her in the middle of the bed, surrounded by pillows, I changed her diaper and then used the wipes Vincenzo had packed to wipe her off. Too tired to care, she didn’t even stir when the cool cloth touched her face.
Vincenzo said something, but I wasn’t paying attention.
“Hm?” I looked up from cleaning Mia off.
He was watching me again.
Suddenly, I was too tired to even pay attention. My entire body ached, as though I had my period and was outside in the cold, the cramps even worse from the chill. I needed to be warm, to be clean, to be next to my daughter and husband all at once.
It wasn’t until that moment that Brando and I under the olive groves came back to me. Years seemed to stretch from the moment we ran toward the house and until then. I felt aged.
“Un bagno, Scarlett. I will keep an eye on ourpappagallo piccolo. She is not waking soon.”
He must have heard my thoughts. A bath.Oh God, a bath sounded like a miracle. I couldn't’ leave Mia though. Not after earlier.
At the end of my pregnancy, I tried to figure out how to get her out, because quarters had become so cramped that neither of us could move without budging the other. After she was born, I went through a period of trying desperately to fill the ache where she used to exist.
Even next to me, she felt too far.
If she was there, I needed to be there, too. To fill the void her birth had left me with, which was ridiculous; shewasthere with me. But not close enough. Not safe enough.
That period was still going strong. I had realized at some point that there was no remedy for it. I would always need to keep her close, keep her safe, and still, the void would always live where she had, right underneath my heart.
“You are having many thoughts,” Vincenzo said, coming to stand closer to me. “I will keep you both safe. Until he comes,” he added.
“Got it.” After flinging the soiled wipe in the trash, I turned to look at him. “And wouldn’t you? If you were me? Have many thoughts, I mean.”
“I would trust me.”
