I stood and slammed the refrigerator, harder than intended. The magnetic calendar went flying off, and all of the little magnets holding numerous pictures drawn by numerous children followed.
“I do,” I said, partially mimicking his stance by crossing my arms.
“You don’t need to do a fucking thing but love me and breathe.”
“I do! It’smyjob!”
“No, your job is to dance. This—” he motioned around the kitchen “—we can hire someone to do.”
“What if I don’t want to dance anymore?”
“Then quit.”
We were both shouting, too frustrated to keep it down.
He took me by the arms. I tried to shove him off, but he refused to let go. “Listen to me, Scarlett. I can’t make this decision for you. And I won’t. Do you hear me? I won’t.”
“You already have!”
His grip slackened enough that I was able to turn away from him. But the look on his face refused to leave my mind. He was at a total loss. Or hiding behind the truth he refused to admit, even to himself.
His arms came around me once again, and he slowly turned me to face him. I looked up at him and he looked down.
“Give me the words, plain and simple,” he said.
I couldn’t get the words out. They were stuck in my throat. I was afraid that if I started, I wouldn’t be able to stop. Eunice had always promised to be with me because she wanted to help me take care of our children. But after I told her that we would never have them, it became the deciding factor in her marrying Burgess.
I wanted her to be happy, more than anything, but it also signified an end to something important in my life. I had been ignoring it for so long that sometimes it became something that I could stick in the back of the closet and not have to face. Eunice’s wedding made me trip over it and land face first in front of the hurt.
“If you don’t say it, I’ll assume it’s worse than it probably is.” I could see his eyes were getting that hardened look about them—he was about to lose it. If his rage were a tidal wave, every fleet in the world would go under. He didn’t like it when he didn’t know what was going on with me. Borrowing his words, not onefuckingbit.
“Children, Brando.” My head fell to his chest. “Eunice said she would always stay to help me with my children, as long as she was able. Now that we’re not having any—” I couldn’t go on.
Instead, I started to sob, and not wanting to cry made me cry even harder. I hated making him feel guilty for something he felt nothing but conviction for. I knew he didn’t want children. I sacrificed what I had always wanted for something he never did because I couldn’t miss what I didn’t have—I had him. Yet, I did miss. I missed having the dream of someday having a baby to call my own. His baby.
“Jesus,” he whispered. “Please stop crying like that, Scarlett.”
He saidplease. That made me cry even harder. I waved a hand, a universal signal forI’ll be all right, all I need is a minute.I couldn’t catch my breath, couldn’t get words out. Perhaps I wouldn’t be able to stop.
All of this grated on the memory of the child we had created together, Matteo, and we had lost. I had had no idea that I was even pregnant. My one chance, and I had lost him!
“Stop crying. Listen to me.” He held me out, staring at my face, but he was a blur in the mixture of tears.
He removed a hankie from his pocket and made me blow my nose. I tried to take it from him but he refused to let me.
“I’ll do whatever you want, baby.” He pulled me so hard to his chest that an uncontrolledoof! escaped from my mouth. “If you want to have children, I’ll do it. Stop crying. I can’t stand to hear you cry like this.”
His surrender almost did me in. I sobbed even harder, the pain radiating from some place that couldn’t be touched. I didn’t want him to break, as insane as that made me. I wanted him to want children too. If not, it was my issue alone.
I wasn’t a big crier, not like this. Sometimes the tears would slip, but I usually had control. Other times, I tucked it away for later, in hopes that I’d forget and get over it. I could get over this, but sometimes the death of that dream slammed me. Harder than anything I’d ever known.
“You would do that for me?” I barely got out. I looked up at him and he wiped the tears rushing down my cheeks.
“Yeah. I would. If giving in means not losing you, I’d do whatever it takes. Even going back on my word.”
“No.” I rested my head against his chest. His heart was drumming overtime. “No. You have to want them too. Not just because you’re afraid to lose me. You’ll never lose me. Never. I only need some time, Brando. To move past this.”
“Move past this with me.”
