The fear sucker punched me at the most unexpected times. I’d buried it down so far below the surface that it was usually hidden from the light, but when Capo created havoc on my heart, the way he looked at me, with hooded eyes and an expression that was somehow confused but determined, it freed the panic from its cage.
I couldn’t swim fast enough to hide it again. So I did what I could. I punched fear right in the fucking face. I wanted this, him, more than I was afraid. My words, or what I didn’t say, had already cost me everything.
Being with Capo, I realized, felt a lot like living—and living meant taking chances.
The fear shattered and blew out when his mouth slammed against mine, his hands cupping my ass, pulling me forward. I reached down and undid his jeans, pushing them down as far as they would go, and then his boxer briefs. They were soaked and sticking to his skin. I was too lost in his mouth sucking the beads of water from my skin to even notice that he’d ripped the lacy underwear from my hips.
He stuck them in his back pocket before he lifted me up some, my leg still wrapped around his hip, and then he entered me so hard and so deep that my head knocked against the wall. He pumped into me so fast that my world spun from the sudden overflow of sensations.
For every ounce I gave, he took two. For every ounce I took, he gave four.
I didn’t need him to touch me with his fingers to make me shatter into a million pieces. He knew where to reach me, and he kept touching the spot, sometimes battering it, over and over. So it was hard to keep up, to not give in, but I held on, drawing out the moment, stretching the connection.
“That’s it,” he rasped against my neck. “Give yourself to me, Mariposa. Always.”
Not conquer. Not own. Give.Maybe he’d realized that no matter how much money a man had tobuythings, there was nothing like a womangivingherself to him.
The noises we made were animalistic, and they echoed around us. The smell of water, the earthly smell of a vacant building, and our sex filled the warm air. He seemed to know that I was holding on, not letting go until he did. Even though I was wet, I could taste salt on my lips from how hard he worked my body.
He slowed, his strokes easier, but no less filling. I bit my lip, making it bleed, and he came forward, licking the spot. “Come to me, Mariposa,” he said in Italian. “Come now.”
He thrust so hard, once, that I felt shockwaves throughout my entire body. I hissed out a breath because I was pretty sure he had rammed my uterus. He slowed, only to hit me again, until his pace picked up and I couldn’t deny the tension any longer.
It consumed me. It consumed him. I cried out at the same time he spilled into me, and his mouth slammed against mine again, swallowing it down.
We stood that way for a while, both of us breathing heavy, my head pressed against his chest. When he pulled out of me, I winced, always craving the feeling of being one with him.
“Vertiginoso.” His voice was raw.Dizzy.
I looked up and met his eyes. This time, I wasn’t sure who he was talking about. I held up four fingers. “How many?”
“Eight,” he said, and put my fingers to his mouth, biting them. He used my underwear to clean me up some. After he was done, he stuck them back in his pocket.
A little boy chasing another ran past our secret spot. They were laughing, still trying to fling water on each other. By unspoken agreement, we left the abandoned villa hand in hand. When we got back to the garden, the kids were still at it, the adults still laughing.Nonnowas still after them with the hose.
Capo stood with me for a minute, watching, and then letting my hand go, he took a seat next to his grandfather. He pointed out kids to spray, egging the fun on.Nonnostarted laughing even harder when a little boy slipped and went down in the mud. Capo grinned as he directed his grandfather’s hand to spray the poor kid while he was down.
Our absence hadn’t lessened the joy, but since we were back, it felt even more complete. My heart raced when Capo took his grandfather by the head, pulled him in, and kissed him there. Then he said something in his ear.Nonno’s smile was immediate. Then they both looked at me, before Capo pulled him in once more, shaking him a bit. Maybe the joy of living had lessened the hurt of saying goodbye, in the only way Capo could.
* * *
A butterfly garden.
Where the plants to create one came from, I had no idea, but when I stepped out of the villa, a cup of espresso in my hand, they were at my feet. Capo was unloading them from a cart with four wheels. It had a handle like a wagon. He wore a tight white tank top, khaki pants, and work boots. His top was already smeared with mud.
“What are you up to?” I asked.
He was usually somewhere in the villa when I woke up, but that morning, he was gone. Since our second wedding, he hadn’t left me alone. The first thing I thought was that something had happened toNonno, and I started to panic. But I knew Capo would’ve woken me up, so I calmed down and fixed some coffee before I found him in front of the villa. Unloading.
The muscles in his arms and back flexed when he took a humongous rock, which looked older than the mountains surrounding us, from the bed of the four-wheeled cart. Then he thought better of it and set it back.
“Where do you want this?” He looked between the rock and me.
“DidNonnosend all of this over?”
“No.” He wiped a line of sweat from his brow. It was early, but the sun was already baking the earth. “Where do you want it?”
We had stayed up the night before,all night, so Capo had only gotten, maybe, two hours of sleep. I felt tired to my bones. So I had no idea where I wanted anything.
