He laughed softly, kissing the top of my head. “Yeah. When it’s good.”
“So good,” I whispered. “So, so good.”
We stayed that way for a while, neither of us moving. That was the furthest we’d ever gone. And even though I hadn’t made it to red yet,I was getting closer and closer to the fire. I wanted him more than anything, but there was something in me that stopped just short of going all the way.
Zamboniwas the main reason, but there was another reason, too. I didn’t realize it until after I had moved in, and I found myself flirting with desire, so close to giving myself over to it. I wanted the connection to grow between us before I gave him my body. Love was not an option, he made that clear, but that didn’t mean everything else we agreed to couldn’t deepen.
A deeper relationship. A deeper sense of intimacy. A deeper loyalty.
Maybe even a deeper friendship.
Maybe I was a fool, but I needed to feel more from him, a little more warmth, so that after it was over and done, my soul didn’t feel so lonely. It would sound like total bullshit if I’d said it out loud, but deep down, I knew it was true. His cold nature could be so hard sometimes. Nothing could break it down, not even fire.
Before Jocelyn died, she tried to cram years into months. One night, when her mind seemed to be sharper than usual, she told me, “There is nothing lonelier than waking up to someone you’ve given your all to, only to realize they only gave half in the night. It’ll happen, and it’ll hurt, but you’ll survive.”
Could I survive this arrangement if that were to happen between us?
I could live without love, the kind that people sacrifice their lives and souls for in romance novels and movies, and I guessed in real life sometimes, too, but could I live with not feeling…something mutual from him?
The answer didn’t matter, only my response to it. My loyalty to him ran high, as high as heaven. He had secured that long ago, when I was five.
I’dlivewith this arrangement, but I’d merelysurvivethe sex.
He looked me in the eye, and then he leaned in and kissed my lips. “Get dressed.”
He took a step back and the towel made a teepee in front of him. His size didn’t seem… normal. The towel and how hard he was left little to the imagination. And I imagined a snake. A humongous python. It was one thing to suspect, but another to see the outline of it so close. It was in striking distance.
How wasthatgoing to fit in my oonie?
“It’ll fit,” he said, reading my thoughts. “Your body was made for mine.”
I nodded, looking up at his eyes. My nails tapped against the counter. What he calledagitarsiin Italian.Fidgeting.I stopped because he didn’t like it when I did it. He said there was no reason for me to be nervous. Ever. But if he’d seen what I just did for the first time? He’d be nervous, too.
“Where are we going?” My voice sounded raw, as if I’d been screaming. Every part of me felt drained, but in the best damn way. In some primal way, I liked that he had left a mark on me, something deeper than skin. He had touched muscle and bone.
“To Macchiavello’s for dinner.” He looked me over, naked except for my lace bra, sitting on the marble counter. “Nothing I put in my mouth tonight will compare to what I just had, though.” He raked his teeth over his bottom lip. “Vieni.” He held out his hand. “Time to get dressed.”
* * *
When we walkedinto the master suite, Capo sighed and said, “Tell me what you’re so nervous about.”
Besides the fact that I just saw a mighty python?I was going to say, but I didn’t. The ice that followed him around sometimes was thick. I chose to be honest about something else.
“The, uh, guy that…well, I don’t know what he does. He runs out to meet you when you arrive at the restaurant. He was,kinda, mean to me.” This would be our first time eating at his restaurant. The big-mouthed guy, Bruno, who told me that he’d squish me like a bug, was hard to forget. He reminded me of Zamboni. And the same feelings of shame went straight to my soul like acid.
Capo stopped short, and I almost ran into his back. He let my hand go and turned to me. I almost took a step back but didn’t. His intensity could be threatening sometimes, but one good thing about girl’s night—I learned it wasn’t just Capo. All of the men in that circle seemed to be similar in that way.
Stand your ground,Scarlett had told me.You’re just as powerful as he is.
Her advice ran through my head, but I kept seeing a deer running from a wolf. I glanced down at his tattoo and then back to his face, thankful that he called me Butterfly, not something that was prey.
“What do you mean?” His voice was stern.“Kind of mean.It’s either, yes, he was mean to me, Capo, or,no, he wasn’t mean to me,Capo. There is no in between, Mariposa. Use all of your words with me.”
Great.He was throwing my words back at me from the night at Harrison’s.
I held my hands in front of me, holding them out, popping my knuckles. “It’s not that simple. Maybe I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to. I’m not sure what you hired him for. If it was to run strays away from your window so they don’t scare customers, then, no, he wasn’t mean. He was just doing his job, showing sharp teeth and big claws. If he’snotsupposed to make poor people feel ashamed for not being able to afford a steak at your high-priced restaurant, then, yeah, he was most definitely mean to me. Past mean. An asshole.”
He studied my face for a moment. “Why did you come to Macchiavello’s? Our restaurant. Did you remember something?”
