I’m sitting on the chair next to my window, staring at the Neva River, frozen in place below me. Skaters are navigating therough ice and laughing. Lovers skating hand in hand, parents chasing after their children.
Inessa is leaning against the open door. I remember my mother’s fierce instructions last night. “Do not tell anyone,anyoneabout this! Especially not your sister.”
“I was there, you know, that day at the stables.” She wanders in, sitting on my bed. I’m shocked at the change. Inessa was never less than perfectly groomed, with makeup on, and hair done. Even at home. My sister looks ragged, biting at a cuticle.
“What day?” My brain is essentially oatmeal, and I try to focus on what she’s saying.
“That day at the stables, just beforeOtetswas killed,” she clarifies, unsmiling. “I was supposed to pick you both up and bring you to lunch.”
Thatday, I remember. Everything from our talk to the embarrassment of Alexi overhearing us.
Apparently, he wasn’t the only one.
“Inessa, I…”
“I heardOtetssay that he loved you best,” she says, tucking her hands into the sleeves of her sweater. “It was always you, wasn’t it? I tried to be a good sister, I’d invite you out with my friends, and I would include you. It was never enough. You had to have everything that was mine.”
“Do you hear yourself right now?” I hiss, leaning forward, “I’m sorry that you heard what Father said, but it was because he worried about you and Mom, he wanted to make sure you were always taken care of. I worked so you could go to college. I’ve always-”
“Do you know what it’s going to look like?” Inessa screams at me and I jump, clutching my book. “Dmitri has taken me everywhere!Everyoneknew we were getting married on Thursday! But not anymore, right? Now he’s marryingyou?What did yousayto him? Did you fuck him?”
“Are you serious?” I gasp. “I’m sorry. This is horrible.” Tears stream down my face. “He murdered Alexi! I watched Dmitri shoot him and you think Iwantthat fucking piece of shit?”
“I don’t understand it,” she sobs, “it’s not like Dmitri was my dream man but I accepted it. I did everything right! And now you’re going to walk down the aisle inmywedding dress carryingmyflowers, and-”
I throw my book and it hits the wall hard, right next to her head. “Did youhearme? Dmitri murdered Alexi! He shot him three times, right in front of me!” My voice is rising and I can’t stop it. “Do you fucking understand? He killed the-”
Oh, fuck, I almost said “the father of my child.”
“I’m sorry that you’reembarrassed,Inessa. But the man I love is dead. And I’d rather be dead than marry his murderer. How can you not see any of this? Why is it always about you?”
Her eyes widen furiously. “You’re the one that everyone loves best!Otetsloved you, I’m sure Mother does, and-”
“Get out.” I rub my swollen eyes. “Get the fuck out of here.”
“You have to understand what you’ve done to-”
Leaping to my feet, I push her so hard that she nearly tumbles back onto the bed. “Get out, Inessa. Leave me the fuck alone.”
The door slams and I sit back in my chair, watching the sun set over the frozen city.
Chapter Twenty-Six
In which Inessa attempts to redeem herself.
Lucya…
I spend the next three days sitting in my chair, staring out the window, ignoring questions about flowers and last-minute dress fittings. Mother supplies me with candied ginger and bland bits of toast and eggs, trying to find something I can keep down.
Resting my hand on my flat stomach, I try to picture the tiny life growing there. Will they have their father’s eyes? His strength and courage? I want to teach them how wonderful their father was, how he built rooftop skating rinks to make me happy, and held me like I was something precious.
Ignoring the knock on the door, I close my eyes when I hear Inessa’s voice.
“I’m here to… to apologize,” she says, cautiously moving closer. “I just hope you don’t throw another book at me, though I deserve it.” Kneeling in front of me, she tries to catch my eye. “I’m horrible,pukhlyy-I mean, Lucya. I was so focused on what I thought I’d lost, I never bothered to see what you were going through.
"Of course, you don’t want to marry Dmitri. To be honest, neither did I. I just thought I would be safe - thatwewould all be safe if I was married to the Pakhan. I’m so sorry about Alexi. I’mglad that you were happy, even if it was for such a short time. I’m glad you had that.”
Her voice breaks and I look down in surprise. Inessa is crying for someone else’s pain? For mine?
