Just hearing Fiona say it sent pain slicing through her heart, but Arianna nodded. “Aye. He thanked me kindly for how I cared for him but he is healed now and my family is anxious to see me. Told me how honored he was to help me and even said I could call for him again if I was in trouble. I told him I would just ask my family and left, saying something about needing to pack. Those things I was just saying are what I ken he was thinking, what he has said to a lot of people.”
“And do ye always do what he says?”
She looked at Fiona. “What choice do I have? He wants me gone, Fiona.”
“Nay, he doesnae. He is just doing what he thinks is right. Brian is far too aware of the fact that he is a younger son without land or much coin, a mon of one and thirty who has earned his knighthood yet still lives in his father’s house. Ye, Lady Arianna, are a verra high reach for such a mon.”
“So his pride will send me home? His pride will bar us from even trying to reach for more than an adventure and a few nights of passion? Why doesnae his pride tell him that he is good enough for me? What good is pride when ye are all alone?”
“None, but I think there is a wee bit more than that to it all. Ewan says Brian has seen a lot of sour marriages, ones made for land, title, or money, and has always said he would never marry for that. Mayhap he fears that is what everyone would think he was doing if he wed you. Worse, he might fear that even ye would begin to think so.”
“Why would he think I am so unable to ken what I want or what I can be content with? Aye, the way I let Claud and his kin treat me may have made me look weak, but I have certainly shown him o’er the last few weeks that I have a mind of my own and can make decisions. If he cannae see that after all the time we have spent together and all we have gone through, then how can I e’er make him see it?”
“Look at me. I am called Fiona of the ten knives and pulled a sword on my husband the first time I met him, yet he still tries now and then to make decisions for me. Men cannae help themselves. They often think they ken what is best for us without even asking. That is why we must occasionally let them ken, in the strongest way possible, that we have minds of our own and can make our own decisions about what is best for us.”
“I would have thought ye had all the MacFingals fully aware of that by now,” she said, and managed to share a brief smile with Fiona.
“I also think that, if ye just walk away now, ye will regret it for the rest of your life.”
“And he willnae?”
“Oh, aye, he will, but he will still think he has done the right thing and that will comfort him. Probably thinking this was the honorable thing to do will make him accept it all as something he had to do, too.” She nodded when Arianna snorted softly with scorn. “He truly believes ye are too high a reach for him and he wouldnae be doing the right thing if he tried to make ye stay.”
Arianna put her elbows on her knees and bent to rest her face in her hands. “It may be for the best anyway. It may be that I can convince him that I want to stay with him, dinnae care about bloodlines, finery, or the like, but there is something I cannae give him nay matter how much I love him.”
Fiona frowned. “And what would that be?”
“Children.” She told Fiona about thinking she was barren and all that Jolene had said about the possibility that she was not. “I had thought to talk to ye about it but with everything that has happened, I forgot. Then my bleeding time came last week and all I could think about was that Brian hadnae been able to seed me, either.”
“Ah, weel, I dinnae think ye are barren. Ye were nay with Brian long enough for that to let ye judge the way of it. I am thinking Jolene has the right of it. But, there isnae any way to be certain the problem was with Claud and nay you. There is a hint or two that it was. I also dinnae think that Brian would care.”
“Nay? Men want children. Wheesht,Iwant children. The fact that I actually wanted Claud’s children should be enough to tell ye that.”
Fiona smiled, but then said, “I wager Callum could find ye a few in need of a home and family.”
“I did think on that but they wouldnae be of Brian’s blood. That might trouble him.”
Fiona shook her head. “I doubt it, truly I do. As for ones of his blood? This keep fair bursts at the seams with them. The MacFingals have more than they need. Ye have seen that. We have a whole army of MacFingals and, being the rutting goats that they are, they are still making more.” Fiona stood up. “There is only one way to find out if ye are barren or nay, isnae there? And ye just told me that ye dinnae have that as proof yet.”
Arianna shook her head, the pain she had suffered when she had bled last week still fresh. She had not realized she had hoped for Brian’s child until that hope had been crushed. Her mind knew that the fact that Brian had not seeded her in the few times they had made love meant nothing, but her heart did not. The fear that she was barren had returned in full strength.
“Weel, all I can say is that I wouldnae let it stand,” said Fiona. “I would go right back to the fool and tell him what an idiot he is. There is a chance that, if ye make your own feelings on the matter verra clear, he will change his mind. He could be thinking he can send ye away now because it will nay hurt ye much. Ye need to convince him that he is wrong.”
“Why must it always be the woman who needs to take that first step?”
“Because men are idiots. And as I told ye, they are also verra fond of making decisions for us without discussing it all with us first. So, rouse that anger I saw when I first came in here and then hunt the mon down. Aye, there may be a chance, a verra small one as I see it, that he will still send ye home. But, when ye go, ye will do so kenning that ye had done all ye could to make him ask ye to stay, aye?”
“So then all the blame will then rest on his shoulders?”
“Exactly. Right where it belongs.”
Arianna remained seated on the bed for a while after Fiona left, staring at the mess she had made. It was going to take a lot of courage to go and confront Brian, to lay herself bare in the hope that he would want to keep her. It was also going to be a hard fight to get him to see that she did not need all those things he thought she did, that she did not care if he had land, a castle, or a purse bulging with coin. She had had that for five years in France and had been utterly miserable. Claud had been one of those highborn, landed, and titled men Brian thought she should find and marry, yet the man had been a cruel bastard with no care for her at all.
She tensed. Her fury over being sent home like some wayward child was returning. Arianna smiled. She might be a little lacking in courage but, when she was furious, she tended to forget that.
“So ye dinnae plan to come out of your room and wave us all on our way?”
Brian scowled at Callum. “Strange. I didnae hear ye knock.”
